Kevin Charnas

I Dared To Dream

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Charnas) — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 19:12:00 +0000

Okay, so... the other night, I had a dream about a friend of ours, Eden Marriott Kennedy Onassis over at Fussy. We're friends from when Will and I lived in Santa Barbara.

We're not like old time drinking buddies, or been through hell and back together kind of friends, but more friends in the general sense.

For instance, Will climbed up a ladder into their home when Eden, Miss Kennedy Onassis if you're nasty (And Janet Jackson means that in a good way, if you're not following me), was accidentally locked out of the place when her husband Jack inadvertently drove off with the keys. And then, I kindly asked her to stop stalking my partner and trying to look up his jeans while he climbs up ladders in front of her.

She was appalled of being accused of such a thing and we pulled each other's hair for like ten minutes.

I'm kidding, of course...

It was more like twelve minutes.

My hair was longer than hers at the time though, so I believe she won.

And for instance, when we'd run into each other, we'd commiserate on the social/political state of our country, or how much should we really write about our families, or how much alcohol we could drink before we got nasty, or how her dogs would charge us or how she had no idea that one of her dogs had smeared shit up her leg.

Oh, she knew... I knew she knew. And she knew I knew.

There was a lot of knowing going on.

She was kind enough to read over one of my one-person plays and give me suggestions without telling me it was complete shit. And I'm still not convinced that I shouldn't just use the whole thing for toilet paper... But, I truly appreciated her efforts and her kindness.

Her husband Jack and I would talk about mid-Century Modern style, and then laugh about mutual "friends" who had too much time on their hands and were causing trouble in the community.

And Jackson, her son, was the coolest kid around. While the other kids in the area seemed to be so afraid of hell that they were raising it, Jackson seemed rather above it all. I think he thought, "I don't believe in hell, so why cause it?" I may be wrong, but it's just the impression I got.

So, you get it. We're "friends". But, we don't even have one another's phone numbers. But still, we're friends... In that realm just past good acquaintances. Someone I would hug, mean it, and genuinely be happy to see. Someone I'm glad I know, but someone that I wish I knew better.

Okay. So, the other night I had a dream about her and thought I should let her know... So, I sent her an email. And I'm going to share it with you now because I just think it's such a logical and inspiring dream.

Hey You,

I hope that this finds you well; in good health and even better spirits! I hope that Jack and Jackson and those awesome dogs are swell too.

It's February now and you guys should come to Cleveland for a visit! After all, February is the best month to be here. HA.

Okay, so I have no idea why I dreamt this, but I did. Last night, in fact. It probably didn't help that we watched "Fight Club" last night right before bed. But anyway, I dreamt we were at your place. And we were sitting around a table and Jackson's art was hanging all over the place. And it was quite good.

Then, at one point, you were hanging from some bars, but you didn't have your head on. I'm not sure what you did with it, but it wasn't "on". THEN, I accidentally (as opposed to "on purpose") had diarrhea on one of your Dining Room chairs. I was quite bothered by this, but was trying to wait for you to leave the room for me to clean it up when you weren't looking.

I don't know how you could've been "looking" when you weren't wearing your head, but still. You were there, hanging from those bars and I just needed to wait.

So, I was all set to clean it up the minute you walked out of the room, or SWUNG out of the room, but one of Jackson's fantastic pieces of art caught my eye and I felt compelled to look closer. So, I got up. It was then that Jack came in and sat in my diarrhea. But, he was a total gentleman and didn't say a word about it. He cleaned it up with a napkin and I just pretended like I had no idea what was going on. I think I pretended it was his. I just kept looking at Jackson's art work. And I can't remember if you ever put your head back on.

Sending you best regards. And hope to see you one of these years.

Sincerely,
Kevin

p.s. Sorry about the diarrhea.

Her reply was kind and funny. I have a feeling that the dream surprised her as much as it did me. But, I can't help thinking that after that email, she's probably glad she doesn't know me better... And she'll probably never let me sit down in one of their chairs. I know after that, I wouldn't want me to.

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Here

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Charnas) — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 18:32:00 +0000

Here I am in the garden laughing
an old woman with heavy breasts
and a nicely mapped face

how did this happen
well that's who I wanted to be

at last... a woman
in the old style... sitting
stout thighs apart under
a big skirt... grandchild sliding
on... off my lap... a pleasant
summer perspiration

that's my old man across the yard
he's talking to the meter reader
he's telling him the world's sad story
how electricity is oil or uranium
and so forth... I tell my grandson
run over to your grandpa... ask him
to sit beside me for a minute... I
am suddenly exhausted by my desire
to kiss his sweet explaining lips

~ Grace Paley

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"I HAD A MUFFIN COME OUTTA MY OVEN..."

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Charnas) — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 18:10:00 +0000

Okay, so while this is slightly disturbing (maybe even more than slightly), it's funny. At least my twisted mind thinks so. I happen to think when she's speaking "French", it's the best. But again, that's just me.

*** Lady GaGa's "Bad Romance"

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Versatile

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Charnas) — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 16:07:00 +0000

(Copyright - The New Yorker)
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Zipper

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Charnas) — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 04:46:00 +0000

Sorry, I happen to love this scene from Muriel's Wedding... Toni Collette was just brilliant in that film.

What the hell am I apologizing for?

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A Devil Republican in Sheep's Clothing or A Guy With Red Eyes In A Really Bad Lamb's Costume

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Charnas) — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 04:29:00 +0000

The campaign for high-profile California Senate candidate Carly Fiorina has released an attack ad against one of her Republican primary opponents that just might be the most bizarre in American political history, one that's already being called everything from "terrifying" to "psychedelic." (Source)

"Terrifying", if you're two years old and retarded.

And "psychedelic", if you're Keith Richards.

Otherwise, it's so silly and weird that it's hysterical.

(At about 2:27 is when the hilarity ensues.)

WHO thought that this costume was a good idea? Like, who directed this??

Carly Fiorina Web Video Sparks Mockery

Actually, I have to say, as bizarre as this campaign ad is, it certainly caught people's attention.

So, if I were Carly Fiorina, I'd be owning that shit. I'd be all quoting P.T. Barnum, "I don't care what you say about me, just spell my name right."

*** Thank you to Jenny, The Bloggess, for tweeting about Dr. Devil Sheep. Thanks, baby! And now, I want that costume.

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John McCain Has Amnesia and General Colin Powell Steps Up

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Charnas) — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 00:31:00 +0000

I'm trying to remember what life was like before I wanted to kick John McCain's ass.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Gen. Colin L. Powell, who as the nation’s top military officer in the 1990s opposed allowing gay men and lesbians to serve openly in the military, switched gears today and threw his support behind efforts to end the “don’t ask, don’t tell” law he helped shepherd in.

Gen. Colin L. Powell in December.“In the almost 17 years since the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ legislation was passed, attitudes and circumstances have changed,” General Powell said in a statement issued by his office. He added: “I fully support the new approach presented to the Senate Armed Services Committee this week by Secretary of Defense Gates and Admiral Mullen.” (New York Times)

*** The Ask And Tell Overture

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A Collection Of WTFs For Wednesday... #2

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Charnas) — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 19:57:00 +0000

Let me guess, Mr. Potter... Your wand fell in Ron's lap. How convenient... So, one more guess... "He Who Must Not Be Named" is getting bigger and difficult to control, isn't he? I KNEW IT!!!

Tastes like chicken.

Seriously. Those are my sentiments exactly.

"UUUuuhhhhh...!" Dude... Nice tongue. And how about the woman in the path of that ball? She's either planning to bite it, or lose some teeth.

I don't know either, okay? All I know is that if I were a troll, I'd be all "GIVE ME THAT FUCKING BONG RIGHT NOW!". And I'd be getting high 24/7.

Holy shit. Is someone planning on cutting the world in half and didn't tell me? (And sometimes I have trouble building a fire...)

Well, you know what? Never fear! I know JUST what "Super Friend" to call to battle Dr. Evil's "Giant Ass Saw Thing"!

That's RIGHT!

"Horned-Kneecap-Ring-Tits-Giant-Ass-Saw-Thing-Dildo-Strap-On-Ninja-Bish-With-A-Rat-Tail" to the rescue!! You thought of her too, didn't you? Don't lie... See? You can always count on her. (Who... the fuck... is SHE?? Like... Wonder Woman's porno, crab-infested, Asian, ninja-sister? She seriously scares me. Like, I mean it.)

Well, while we're on the subject,

That's it, Kirk. Hit him over the head with a giant rock dildo. OR were you? Were you... you know... having a "party" and no one else was invited? Dude.

After the last two pics, is there any wonder why there was a drastic increase in fisting? (While "ass to mouth" has actually decreased. Nice.) But seriously, what the hell happened in January 2006 that anal fisting went through... umm... the roof?

And I'm scared again. Somebody... Hold me. Damn, I bet Dildo-Ninja-Bish up there would have that thing for lunch. Like, she'd be all, "WWAAAA!!! SHAAZZAMM!!" And it'd be in the toaster. Or her butt.

Thank god he saved her.

And.... KICK!

And stretch... and hold... 2... 3...

And... PISS!

Smooth move, asshole. Umm... I believe that would be thumbs down...

*** A Collection Of WTFs For Wednesday...
*** A Collection Of WTFs For Thursday...

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Celebrating Diversity

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Charnas) — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 18:16:00 +0000

Celebrating all diversity...

So, this is pretty funny, but I have to say that their voices are actually really beautiful. And their harmony keen. And by the end, well... it was rather quite poignant.

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The Ask And Tell Overture

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Charnas) — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 18:22:00 +0000

So, as you might know, I'm a veteran. And I've written before about how I proudly served without giving handjobs, blowjobs or getting it up the butt.

I haven't been bothered that President Obama hadn't addressed the issue until his "State of The Union". I didn't feel "sold out". Yes, I believe that "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is discriminatory and breeds contempt. But, I also believe that there has been a reason for his delay. There's been quite a bit for him and his administration to work on. And my hope is that it would be addressed in due-time. That AGAIN, people need to have patience. Change doesn't happen overnight.

So, while I believe that gays should be allowed to openly serve and receive all the benefits of their heterosexual counterparts, I haven't felt much sympathy for people who volunteered for the military FULLY KNOWING that the policy was "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". They signed on, then later didn't like it. Well, I'm sorry, you should've thought about that sooner.

This doesn't mean that I don't applaud their courage in standing up for what they believe in and for what is right. I do. And certainly, if we're paying attention, our awareness is an evolution. We shouldn't think the same way five, or ten years down the road.

Well, anyway, we're at the beginning of it being addressed, and that's a good thing. Overdue, yes. But, it's still being addressed: "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Gays Military Policy Under Fire

Top Uniformed Officer: Gay ban should be lifted

And besides, we're too pure to serve. (Hysterical - courtesy of "The Onion".)

If sovereign people who know nothing other than their freedom had ANY IDEA the insidious self-loathing that accompanies being in an oppressed sect of people, the lowest of the low on the totem pole, there wouldn't be a minute left of discrimination. It would have no place to hide.

Liberty WILL win.

*** If you'd like to tell your representative and senators to repeal this discriminatory law, you may do so here.

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Boys BEWARE!

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Charnas) — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 17:45:00 +0000

"One never knows when the homosexual is about. He may appear "normal".

Don't "thumb a ride", bishes. And "be careful if they are too friendly". Apparently, we DEMAND an intimate relationship with members of our own sex.

And not visible like "Small Pox"?

Umm...

Sometimes it is. But hell, if you're going to be "sick", why not celebrate with sheer fabric, exposed ass crack, pitchforks, head-dresses and rollerblades. I know I do.

(Special Thanks for this rather disturbing video-clip contribution to our dashing correspondent in D.C. Thanks, Dickie! "You see, Ralph is sick...")

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Believe In A Perpetual Sunrise

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Charnas) — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 19:19:00 +0000

It doesn't matter if you make mistakes. Everybody makes mistakes. What matters...

Is what you do next.

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What's Necessary

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Charnas) — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 20:10:00 +0000

So, a little over a week ago, Will and I went to see Tom Ford's film, "A Single Man" with our friends, Tristan and Clancy.

It was a really good film. Set in Los Angeles in the early 60's, it's very stylistic and visually compelling.

And I think Tom Ford does an excellent job of portraying the acuteness and closer scope of vision, metaphorically and literally, that we all have when tragedy strikes.

I strongly recommend seeing it at the theaters while it's out. If you haven't yet seen it, I wouldn't watch any of the clips below. But, to see the high stylization of the film, and how palpable "George's" (played by Colin Firth) heartache is on the big screen is well worth it. It will certainly lose some punch when it's viewed on a small screen, as any movie does.

After the first few minutes of the film, an older woman who was sitting in the row directly in front of us and virtually minutes away from death began talking loudly. She started, "I THINK THIS IS GAY... I THINK THIS MOVIE IS GAY... I THINK THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT GAY PEOPLE!!"

Her ultra-white-hair-covered head was bobbing up and down and turning every which way as though a wreaking ball was going to take her out at any minute. She continued on her rant for the hearing-impaired, "I'M PRETTY SURE THIS MOVIE IS GAY! I'M GOING TO SEE IF I CAN GET MY MONEY BACK!!"

She got up, climbed over 5 people, disrupting everyone and stormed out of the theater never to return. Her permanent exit had NOTHING to do with me following her and stuffing her into a garbage can in the Ladies' Restroom, if you're wondering.

We actually thought it was quite funny and we all guffawed over it.

I have always enjoyed placing the elderly into trash cans. It's a favorite past-time of mine.

So, anyway, during the film, "George and Jim's" 16 year relationship really wasn't taken seriously. Even by the people closest to them. And that was heart-breaking in its own regard.

It was a beautiful film and though it was melancholy, I didn't feel sad so much as I felt grateful. Reminded how temporary it all is... Reminded to be thankful for this very moment, for that's all we really have.

After the film, the four of us went for sushi. And at the dinner table, "Tristan and Clancy" presented us with a card, which also contained a generous gift card inside to one of our favorite shops. It was in honor of our marriage, which they felt they hadn't properly acknowledged. "Tristan and Clancy" are a heterosexual couple, if you're wondering.

We both objected, saying that they didn't have to go through any trouble and that it really wasn't necessary...

They said it wasn't any trouble and it was necessary.

Well, when we opened the card, the front of it said, "BELIEVE".

And on the inside,

"Believe in your dreams. Believe in your love. Believe in forever.

Have a Happy Marriage.

With Love Always,

Clancy and Tristan"

And suddenly, I had a hard time holding back the tears from my dampened eyes...

Some of my oldest, dearest friends (gay and straight), still refer to Will as my "boyfriend". And while I don't refer to him as my "husband", but rather as my "partner". He is. He IS my husband. And I am his.

And acknowledgment from those you love can send one's spirit SOARING. And I was reminded of that.

Thank you... THANK YOU, "Clancy and Tristan". With your belief in us, you help us to believe in ourselves. And that's the biggest gift anyone can ever give...

* "UNCLE! UNCLE!!"
* Where Love Flies
* "I Kevin, Take You Will, To Be Seven Letters..."

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January Swimming Hole #4

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Charnas) — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 18:41:00 +0000

A Russian man exercises after swimming in an ice hole in the Neva River, with The Winter Palace and St. Isaak Cathedral in the background, in St. Petersburg, Russia.

Bishes?

Suddenly, I feel like the biggest pussy EVER.

* January Swimming Hole #1
* January Swimming Hole #2
* January Swimming Hole #3

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WHAT?? SAY IT ISN'T SO!! Ohh... But then again, fear and anger sells papers... or headlines, right?

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Charnas) — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 16:44:00 +0000

A Very Productive Congress, Despite What The Approval Ratings Say

By Norman Ornstein
Sunday, January 31, 2010

"When President Obama urged lawmakers during his State of the Union speech to work with him on "restoring the public trust," he was hardly going out on a limb. The Congress he was addressing is one of the least popular in decades. Barely a quarter of Americans approve of the job it's doing, according to the latest Gallup/USA Today poll, while 58 percent said it was below average or one of the worst ever, according to an NBC/Wall Street Journal survey last month.

It's not hard to find reasons why Americans are down on Capitol Hill, and why President Obama's approval rating has dropped below 50 percent in many polls. A year into the 111th Congress, unemployment remains at 10 percent, and many Americans are struggling to get by -- even as they've watched Congress bail out banks and coddle the same bankers now salivating over massive new bonuses. At the same time, the public has had a front-row seat to the always messy legislative process on health care and other issues, and this past year that process has been messier, more rancorous and more partisan than at any point in modern memory.

There seems to be little to endear citizens to their legislature or to the president trying to influence it. It's too bad, because even with the wrench thrown in by Republican Scott Brown's election in Massachusetts, this Democratic Congress is on a path to become one of the most productive since the Great Society 89th Congress in 1965-66, and Obama already has the most legislative success of any modern president -- and that includes Ronald Reagan and Lyndon Johnson. The deep dysfunction of our politics may have produced public disdain, but it has also delivered record accomplishment." (Keep Reading)

I keep hearing that Scott Brown was voted in because people wanted change. I happen to believe that he was voted in because of complacency and arrogance in the Democratic party that the Senate seat would easily go to another democrat. And the fact that it was an off-season election, thus complacency and arrogance in the democratic voters as well who stayed home thinking that it would easily go to another democrat. But, whether my belief is correct or not, people wanted change last year, that's why Barack Obama was voted in as President.

We received the change we wanted. And now, unfortunately, we're going to have to be a little more patient with the results. Although, I don't believe as citizens that we should be sitting back on our laurels. I believe that we should be holding our politicians accountable and be extremely vocal in our opinions. And hopefully, if we're doing our job, our opinions are based on facts, not hearsay.

So, I'll shut my pie-hole for this post, but not without saying that I'm not giving up hope on this President, or this Congress. At least for the time being, it appears that they're not doing such a terrible job after all.

* Obama, GOP exchange barbs, ideas in rare encounter

* Obama Goes To GOP Lions' Den -- And Mauls The Lions

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Lazy Sunday Morning With Jerry

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Charnas) — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 16:25:00 +0000

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"ME... Has THIS Report..."

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Charnas) — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 01:42:00 +0000

"And ignoring all the pricks milling around him like he's gliding through the fucking matrix."

(Thank you for this hysterical, and spot-on contribution, Beny!)

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Brown In ‘09: Admits Massachusetts Took Federal Dollars To Fund Health Reform, Sees Need For Public Option

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Charnas) — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 17:50:00 +0000

While Senator-elect Scott Brown (R-MA) now says that Massachusetts shouldn’t subsidize federal health care reform, in October of 2009 the then-mostly unknown candidate Brown bragged that his state “took money that was coming from the federal government” rather than raise taxes to pay for its 2006 health care overhaul. During the radio interview with WRKO, Brown also defended the individual and employer health care mandates and admitted that the public option “may be good for other parts of the country“. (source)

Brown implied that the federal government needs to play a role in reforming the health care system and stressed that the federal dollars have helped insure residents who “don’t have any care whatsoever.” “Until they change the federal rules regarding health care and health care coverage for all, and we have to continue to support the folks hare in Massachusetts to keep them healthy,” he said.

* "Most in U.S. Want Public Health Option: Poll," Reuters, December 3, 2009

* "Poll: Public Option Way More Popular Than Senate Health Care Proposal," WhoRunsGov.com, December 10, 2009

* "House Progressives Push Reid To Put Public Option Back On Table," Huffington Post, January 27, 2010

* If you'd like to encourage Senate Democrats to use reconciliation to pass a public option, you may do so here.

* And if you'd like to contact Congress directly. You may do so here.

(Thanks for this contribution, Beny.)

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Big Weather Front

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Charnas) — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 12:11:00 +0000

Umm... WHAT???

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Fernando On A Friday Night, Mis Amigos...

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Charnas) — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 23:35:00 +0000

"If I had to do the same again, I would, my friend, Fernando..."

Live without regrets, mis amigos. No regrets...

I dare you.

Actually, I'm going to break the rules here and

triple-dog dare you.

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Big Ass Moon Tonight, Bishes

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Charnas) — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 21:30:00 +0000

This moon. (source)

Not this kind. Although, I do highly recommend mooning every chance you get no matter what age you are. And at inappropriate times are the BEST. Funerals, for instance. And preferably at strangers. And at a stranger's funeral would be perfect.

Biggest and Brightest Full Moon of 2010 Tonight

FULL MOON AND MARS: Friday night's full Moon is the biggest and brightest full Moon of the year. It's a "perigee Moon," as much as 14% wider and 30% brighter than other full Moons you'll see later in 2010. But that's not all. Mars is having a close encounter with Earth, and on Friday night, Jan. 29th, it will join the Moon for an all-night-long conjunction.

Sky map and images may be found here.

So, look for this one.

Not,

This one.

(Thanks for the heads-up on this, Janice! Get it? "HEADS-UP"? See? HA! Get it? "SEE"? HA... HA.... HO.... aaahhhh.... yeah. Okay. Bye now.)

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HEY, BIG SPENDER!! (WAA-WAA-WA-WA!) Sppeeenndd... A Little Time With Me...

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Charnas) — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 20:34:00 +0000

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Just so we have our facts straight.

(Putting the CON back in conservative.)

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Well, At Least They Didn't Name It "iPon"

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Charnas) — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 02:35:00 +0000

"I just hook up my apple, to my keetch."

That wasn't exactly the wisest choice for the name... Was there not a woman anywhere around the team working on that?

(Thanks for the cartoon, Heidi!)
(And thanks for the video contribution, Beny!)
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Quit With The Bulldozer Mentality Already... It's Not Pretty

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Charnas) — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 02:05:00 +0000

As he boasted in his first State of the Union address that his economic program had cut taxes for 95 percent of working families, Democrats jumped to their feet to cheer. Republicans sat quietly. Mr. Obama paused as he glanced over to their side of the House chamber. “I thought I’d get some applause on that one,” he said. (source)

WHO doesn't agree with that? Tax cuts for 95% of working families. And the Republicans sat still.

If people can't figure out who the conservatives are currently working for, they missed something on the way to the forum.

"Start thinking of each other as Americans first. We're all Americans. We all should anticipate that the other person, even if they disagree with us, has the best of intentions. We don't have to call them names. We don't have to demonize them." - Barack Obama (source)

* Republicans Give Obama a Frosty Reception

* Obama's State of the Union: How did he do?

* And a little bit of satire, Instant Poll: 90% of Republicans Who Did Not See Obama's Speech Disagree With It

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You're The Love Train

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin Charnas) — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 20:14:00 +0000

"JUST LIKE I IMAGINED!!"

You'll have to excuse me, I'm partial to barking.

(Thanks for the video contribution, Jen!)
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