"Michele Marie Bachmann (born April 6, 1956) is a Republican Congresswoman from Minnesota, a former Senator, a homophobe, and a dick.
In addition to being a dick, Bachmann's track record has proven she is also a full-fledged nutjob. The type of person that makes you turn to your friend the moment she gets up to use the bathroom and mouth "She's craaaaaaazy," complete with hand motions and bug-eyes.
While Bachmann has always been a local dick, she didn't come onto the national dick scene until the 2008 election when she accused Barack Obama and many members of Congress of being "anti-American."
Like her pal Palin, Bachmann is deceptively attractive. While Palin is attractive in a "if she just put down that gun, took off those glasses, and started forming complete sentences" sort of way, Bachmann has the whole girl next door thing working for her. But only if you grew up next to an insane asylum.
Bachmann has claimed that many of her career moves have been dictated by messages from God. Abraham, Moses...Michele Bachmann. That sounds about right." (Please, read on)
Or, there's
DICK CHENEY
"Richard Bruce Cheney (born January 30, 1941) is a former United States Congressman, Secretary of Defense, the 46th Vice President of the United States and a dick. He also served as White House Chief of Staff, and in the private sector was the Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of Halliburton Energy Services. Every decision he has ever made has been wrong.
Early life and family
Cheney was born in Lincoln, Nebraska, to Richard Herbert Cheney and Marjorie Dickey (sic). His family later moved to Wyoming. In 1959, he matriculated to Yale University, where it was thought to be impossible to flunk out. After flunking out, Cheney returned to Wyoming in 1960. He ended up graduating from the University of Wyoming at the age of twenty-four, the perfect age for a young black man to serve his country in the army.
In 1964, Cheney married Lynne Vincent, his high school sweetheart. Mrs. Cheney would go on to become an accomplished dick in her own right, serving as the Chair of the National Endowment for the Humanities, a senior fellow at the American Enterprise Institute, and a writer of filthy pulp novels about lesbian sex and rape. The Cheneys have two daughters, Elizabeth and Mary, also dicks. Mary Cheney is an attractive though somewhat tomboy-ish femme lesbian. Her partner, Heather Poe, looks a bit like Dad. Mary Cheney and Heather Poe have one child." (Please, read on)
And of course, there's
SARAH PALIN
"Sarah Palin began her shockingly easy ascent from second place in a beauty pageant to potential second-in-command of the world’s largest nuclear arsenal from her birth on February 11, 1964, a birthday she shares with Burt Reynolds, Jeb Bush, Sheryl Crow, and TV’s Moesha, who also had her share of run-ins with unplanned pregnancy. Born Sarah Louise Heath in Sandpoint, Idaho, Palin grew up mostly in Wasilla, Alaska, a town that has also given the world porn actress April Flowers, star of such classics as Dead Men Don’t Wear Rubbers, Sodomania Slop Shots 9, and 100% Blowjobs 32, 26, 21, and, to a lesser extent, 18. As a student and basketball player at Wasilla High School, she earned the nickname “Sarah Barracuda,” presumably for her powerful jaws, bony web-like fins, and small smooth scales.
In 1984, Palin won the Miss Wasilla Pageant, a feat that sounds a lot more impressive than it is unless you’ve ever met a girl from Wasilla, few of whom have either a full set of teeth or a vacant womb. She then finished runner up in the Miss Alaska pageant, a feat that sounds a lot more impressive than it is considering the state is nearly 75% male." (Please, keep reading)
(And for all of you conservatives out there, they lambaste liberals as well. And possibly your favorite entertainer or athlete.)
Not even the Olympics are spared.
Olympic Games
"The Olympic Games (born 776 BC) is an international multi-sport event, a contest to see which country’s chemists can concoct the least-detectable performance-enhancing drugs, brought to you by Visa—it’s everywhere you want to be—and a dick.
The original Olympic Games first took place in 776 BC in Olympia, Greece, the same year Ashur-Dan III succeeded his brother Shalmaneser IV as king of Assyria. (Coincidence?) Outlawed by the Romans in AD 393, the modern international Olympics started up again some 1500 years later, sponsored in part by Greek businessman Evangelos Zappas and Taco Bell, who remind you to think outside the bun.
To some, the Olympics are an opportunity for the nations of the world to come together in peace; to others they are a telltale sign of continuing globalization, and the unequal distribution of resources. To everyone, the Olympics are an excellent excuse to sit on the couch for two straight weeks firmly convinced you’re doing something worthwhile.
Notwithstanding, the Olympics have continued to thrive, with each successive Games adding more events, tighter lycra-spandex uniforms, and, as a result, increasingly egregious camel toe, or, in the case of male athletes, “moose knuckles.”
Participation in the Games has increased to the point that nearly every nation on earth is represented, even if it’s just one “athlete,” in one dinky event like the women’s 10m air pistol. This growth has caused numerous challenges, including boycotts, performance enhancing drugs, bribery, terrorism, and seriously mismatched commentators like Bill Walton covering co-ed speedwalking.
Thanks to the Olympics, no one really cares that Russia bombed the hell out of Georgia, that former vice presidential candidate John Edwards turns out to be a bastard factory, or that they finally unveiled a long-overdue bronze statue of the Fonz in Milwaukee." (Please, keep reading)
(Thank you for the heads-up on this, Fred! It's brilliant.)
Will and I were at my brother Craig's home for the Super Bowl on Sunday. I kept saying that I was excited to see it because I love basketball and hadn't watched it in years. Then, we'd all snicker and I'd say, "I know! I know! It's BASEBALL." And we'd all snicker some more and stuff more hot wings in our mouths and fight over the celery and bleu cheese dressing. We were all just really in it for the great food my brother and his wife put out and the commercials, of course.
I think the Betty White one cracked me up the most.
She is so damn funny. And as of last month, turned 88 years old.
I know you have plenty of other things to really be concerned about and whether or not Betty White ever hosts Saturday Night Live really isn't imperative. But if you're on Facebook and so inclined, there's actually a group that is vying for her to host SNL.
I just LOVE that she's 88 and still vibrant, bright-eyed and funny. She'd put all those other hosts that are often on there that are barely legal and just grew pubics like four years prior to shame.
Just remember, bishes, crack attracts. Jeezuz... That shit is just awful. (Some pun intended.)
If you're having trouble seeing this, it's as follows:
RESOLVED QUESTION
Can your baby get pregnant if you have sex while pregnant? "like if you are pregnant with a baby girl, and you have sex while you are pregnant, can the sperm go up in there and impregnate the baby?"
BEST ANSWER - Chosen by Voters
"The baby can get pregnant only if it's a female. If you suspect that your baby is pregnant, try not to have sex again. You run the risk of getting your baby's baby pregnant and that can lead to complications like an infinite loop."
I couldn't breathe after I read this... And then I thought, you'd be pregnant forever! There'd be all kinds of babies popping out of there at different times.
"Louie decided to leave me his apartment keys for a week, so a group of friends and I decide to wrap his entire apartment in wrapping paper."
It's funny. And wasteful, yes. But still funny. If I were you, I wouldn't bother watching "Louie's reaction". It's anti-climatic and he was rather dumbfounded, understandably.
So yet again, what really steals the show are the ensuing comments. There were people who thought it was funny and fake and wasteful. And then there's always that bunch that thankfully add that extra little somethin'-somethin'.
There was "rootedbox" who scolded, "thanks for creating so much waste! the joke is on all of us! thanks!"
Oh, Mr. Box, don't be too hard on them. I'd suggest focusing your anger on say... Standard Oil or the "Let's-Burn-Coal-'Til-We-Choke-And-Die" companies. You know, the whole fossil fuel fiasco... What's that you say, Mr. Box? It's more difficult to get mad at them because you're actually a customer of theirs and thus support their practices?? Oh... I see... Well, still. Save your anger until everyone starts doing this.
Then "jazmin826" squealed out, "hahahah omg is that for me hahahaha so awesome love the prank lol."
Jazmin, I think we got the part where you thought it was funny. The "lol" was a little over-kill, honey.
"rachaelveronica235" exclaimed, but I think it might be a question, "When will a cobra come down my rat hole!"
Dear Woman With Two First Names, I have no idea what you're fucking talking about. Are you referring to sex? Is "Cobra" code for penis and "Rat hole" code for vagina? Like... Are you frustrated so you're exclaiming your question about when you're going to get porked? 'Cause how would we know that? But, if that is really what you're wondering, we hope that it's sooner rather than later. Just please use birth control. Lots of it.
Then, there was "cheeseball49" who asked, "Why is everything is your house wrapped?"
Mr. Cheeseball, I believe you wanted to use "in" there, rather than "is", but why bother correcting you if you can't figure out what's going on in the first place. Which leads me to believe that "cheeseball" is actually your head. Sorry, I'm not very encouraging, maybe I will be in 2010.
Now, "NawinAhmad" advised, "U really need to get laid mate!!!"
So Nawin, (I always loved the name "Nawin"...) if someone, ANYONE plays a practical joke, they shouldn't bother?? They should just fuck? Aren't we fucking enough?
Then, "CHEFSUMDAY" yelled, "NOBODY TOLD THEM HE IS JEWISH."
Umm... Mr. Day, first of all, you don't need to yell. We're all right here. And second of all, if this is indeed true, it doesn't matter. I don't think it's really Christian-specific. I mean yes, it's CHRISTmas paper, but I think the point was the joke.
"JapsEye2" suggested, "Good, but you should have logged one off into the toilet then wrapped it in xmas paper and left it sitting there."
Mr. Eye, Yes. That's exactly what I thought when I watched it too. They totally missed out by not wrapping a turd.
"weiner66" sleepily said, "aaayyyeeeyayyyeeeawning my goddamn head off right now."
And "TheGeekproduction" said, "what a waste of paper fools? u ppl ruin earth omg lol?"
Are you sure your name isn't Mr. "TheGeekdestruction"? 'Cause yeah, it's just going to be hysterical when the earth is destroyed. I can't wait to lol over it.
And "skavinkrew" confessed, "Thats awsome!! lmao I could beleive it but I saw it on CNN.. That is awsome the only thing else they should have done is wrap a girl and put here under the tree..."
Now Skavin, you had a bunch of typos. But that aside, yes, right after wrapping a piece of shit in the toilet, that just would've been the next best thing. Grab a girl, wrap her up and stick her under the tree. That's just brilliant. They're going to be so mad that they didn't think of that.
"georgewilly100" wrote, "this is crap."
That apparently should've been wrapped and left in the toilet.
"kickthebass" said, "I couldn't help but get enraged, thinking about the time and effort that went into this."
Now, Mr. Bass, Are you enraged because of the time and effort that went into the prank? Or are you enraged because of thinking about the time and effort involved? Like... It hurt your brain or something? You just seem a little edgy right now. But then again, your first name is "Kickthe". So, I guess that should've been my first clue.
"Captain Colon" lamented, "thanks for ruining christmas asshole."
Captain Colon, I couldn't agree more. Christmas is now, just ruined, RUINED, RUINED, RUINED!!
But then, on a cold Winter's night, as the shepherds were watching over their sheep, chasing away the darkness a bright star shined in the North and was brighter than all the others... "Distinctforever" wrote, "Totally amazing and beautiful. SO much effort involved. Wow!"
And calmly my bitter laughter subsided and a quietness descended upon the snow covered plains of my soul. And nothing was stirring, not even in my rat-hole. And I said unto thee; Miss Distinct, In an age when so often people waste no time in tearing one another down, I think you happen to be very sweet. Very sincere acknowledging their efforts and therefore, actually, "Distinct". I hope that you are indeed that way forever.
And we shall all be better for it. Gathering ourselves at the hearth of your heart and warming our hands by your tender fire. May lights like yours never go out, so we'll have something to guide us through the Winter nights and keep us warm.
Two For Tuesday, Or... I Hope I Don't Break My Teeth On The Floor, Or... Maybe I Should Think About Breaking My Teeth On The Floor
So... I'm guessing that they don't put any type of tread on the bottoms of those things? I mean, an afro isn't that heavy, is it?
And I don't know about you all, but I'm going straight to "Studio Montarna" for my holiday makeover. 'Cause... well... wow. You just can't argue with those results. (Please feel free to click on the image to enlarge it. The "Before" shot is well worth it.)
(Special thanks to our hottie-pa-tottie correspondent, Enrique, for this contribution. Muy bien, amigo... Mucho gracias.)
It's astounding to see how arrogant people are about what they don't know. Blows my mind every time... The idiot's hero. It's nothing short of an assault on the intellect... as though logic and deductive reasoning should be shunned and feared, rather than something to emulate and revere.
And of course, one of my favorite scenes... How many times I wished I could do this. Hell... I still wish I could do this. Except for maybe the very last part. I don't really need that.
Will and I CAN'T STAND the whole notion of "Black Friday". We actually abhor it. All the commercialization, the advertising being shoved down our throats, people going crazy and breaking one another's limbs over toys that they're told to buy. I fucking hate it.
I just asked Will, jokingly, "Hey, let's go shopping."
And he replied, "Umm... I just don't feel like being trampled to death today. Maybe another time."
Now, if we could set up a couple of lounge chairs in a parking lot, start a little fire in a chiminea, open a nice bottle of Bordeaux, with some Camembert or brie, or Doritos, and sit back and watch civilized interaction between humans such as above? I'd be there by 6 a.m.
Besides the U.S. needing DESPERATELY to have election reform (Publicly Funded elections) and a viable multi-party system (not this RIDICULOUS duopoly bullshit), at the very least, it would help if we had people in Congress with brains AND balls. Now, THAT would be something worth voting for.
This HYSTERICAL contribution comes to us from our dashing and debonair correspondent in D.C., Dickie. THANKS, BABY!!
I died. I just died. And actually, Will did as well. So, now we're both dead.
I now have a crush on this dumbass Evil Clown thinking she's all Beyonce in a weird dream.
I'm sorry, try and be all hot and suave and sexy and that just won't do it for me. All I'll do is yawn and move on... which you just might appreciate.
However, slip and fall down a flight of stairs?
I'm yours.
Bend over to pick something up in the middle of a crowded party, slip and fall down the stairs and accidentally blow a big fart when you reach the bottom?
I'm really yours. Although, I'll wait for the air to clear.
And yes,
I'll still be yours even if you have a bad mohawk and terrible jacket. I'm loyal to accident prone people no matter what their color or what they're wearing.
Bend over to pick something up in the middle of a crowded restaurant, twist your ankle, jack-knife and tumble down the stairs taking cocktail waitresses with you, THEN accidentally blow a big fart ON THEM when you reach the bottom stair?
When you emerge from the hospital and are no longer allowed back in that restaurant, you'll be Mrs. Kevin Charnas. Or the Second Mr. Kevin Charnas... Or... my mistress... Or my mister... Or something similar. Even if you're in a wheelchair. Remember? I'm loyal.
Working the runway for the Spring line and you jackknife and take out Madonna in the front row?
I hear wedding bells.
Fall out of the car when we get to our destination and have trouble even standing back up?
You'll be Mrs. Kathy Griffin Kevin Charnas. But, pregnant.
And if you happen to be on a bike in the rain and bite it?
You might as well just call yourself my baby's Daddy. Although, I would strongly advise you to NOT try and use your umbrella while you're RIDING A BIKE just to impress me. But then again, if you don't fall, I'm not interested. And don't wear tee-shirts that make your skin look pasty. But even if you do and you fall, I'll still love you. The key is, you need to fall.
And if you have any type of British accent and you're chasing a 3.5kg wheel of cheese and you jackknife?
My pants are off and I'm totally yours and I'll wrestle that damn cheese wheel for you naked. Because people wiping out while chasing giant cheese balls down a hill is just plain fucking hot. Don't even tell me it's not. (source of photo)
***SOME COMMENTS FROM THE POSTED VIDEO:
Chairmanpanda advised, "When I dance to beyonce in a lion mask I make sure that the eye holes are very big and easy to see out of. if you're attached to the clown mask you can maybe cut the eyeholes bigger."
Okay. First of all Mr. Panda, you dance to Beyonce in a lion mask. Now, I'm not really a connoisseur of Beyonce videos, per se. I don't think I've actually ever seen one of them. But, does she dance in masks or something?? If so, I think it's BEYONCE'S fault that she made that poor young woman crank her head on the television set.
And second, Mr. Panda/Lionman-With-The-Big-Eyes-All-Cutout-Dancing-To-Beyonce, that is so very kind of you to give such solid advice. I'm sure that she'll take that into consideration the next time she dances with a mask on next to large objects. I know I will.
And Lenay321, "At least she popped her head on beat with the music."
Miss Lenay, always looking on the bright side. I like that.
Tslobarod, "beyonce should have home girl on the next tour."
Mr. Tslobarod (presumably pronounced, "Slobber-Rod" - real nice), I would think only if Beyonce wishes for her set to be destroyed should she take "home girl" on tour. Now, go clean yourself up.
Ashleybozzelli, "This is the best thing ever. That's what she gets for wearing a mask."
Ms. Bozzelli, I'm not sure that it's actually "the best thing EVER", but art is subjective. However, I think you're kind of mean saying she deserved it. I mean, maybe she did, maybe she didn't. Is it really up to you to decide that? I mean, maybe you deserve to have a big plate of Italian meatballs stuffed straight up your ass... Is it really for me to decide that? Sadly, I don't think so.
GOOD MORNING AND HAPPY MONDAY, you Supastar you...
Whaddya say you and me and Mary Katherine SPANK MONDAY'S ASS!!! YEAH!!
Take THAT, MONDAY!!!
'Cause this one's bigger than this one. And Monday ain't so tough.
DO YOU HEAR ME, MONDAY???
You ain't so tough.
So, do what you have to do to prepare...
Whatever that might be.
And remember that
only a fool hesitates.
So, wrestle those demons that are whispering doubt in your ears... telling you that you're not good enough... that you don't deserve it. Whatever IT may be. And punch 'em in the boobs! YEAH, TAKE THAT, BOOB!
And even if
it doesn't quite turn out how you planned.
The time's going to go by anyway, regardless of what you do... Time keeps its own time.
So, you'll get back up and dust yourself off.
And do what you have to do to prepare...
Whatever that might be.
And remember it's good to surround yourself with people who will dance with you no matter what.
Don't waste time on the others.
And even if you don't quite reach your destination, you'll be headed in the right direction. Because persistence still pays off. And knowing that you did your best, you'll be able to feel rest assured that you'll be a SUPASTAR in the most important of eyes...
Your own.
So, do your best.
Because less is less.
NOW, LET'S SNIFF OUR ARMPITS AND GO OUT THERE AND KICK MONDAY'S ASS!!!
Monday?
You ain't so tough...
But, we sure are.
AIN'T WE, BISHES!
dang.
**"Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." ~Winston Churchill
Oohhh... It's MUSIC that makes you lose control...
I couldn't breathe the first thirty times I saw this. She's so excited to surprise him. Then the way he looks at the empty box on the sofa with apprehension like, "Uh-oh. Now, what..."
And once she kicked off her shoes, I knew it was all downhill from there.
I can identify with this poor thing.
Friday night, the last words Will said to me before he rolled over and went to sleep were, "Your name is not "Carlisle". I don't want to see your "kitty", because you don't have one, you're a boy. Now, Good Night."
SEE? Just throw me down the basement stairs AND PISS ON MY HEAD, WHY DON'T YOU!! So much for role-playing...
Me and that poor thing pole dancing, well... we're like sisters-in-arms, we are.
DUMB'S DAY AND THE DESTRUCTION OF THE MIND AS WE KNEW IT
oh my god...
oh. my. god.
i'm dying here.
I'M DYING HERE, BISHES!! DO YOU HEAR ME???
DYING!
The following video is disturbing, but completely mesmerizing and once I picked my strong, sexy, defined yet sophisticated jaw (my pointy chin) up off the floor, I must admit I began to snicker. And after the shock wore off, I can't help guffawing at these people... It leads me to believe that when people like this have diarrhea, they must rub their 4 brain cells together to remind themselves that they're actually not melting.
"MMAAA!! WHAT'S HHAAPPENIN'?? I'M MELTIN'!!"
Ma, "Oh Junior, we done beeen through dis beefor. Ya gots the sheets is all."
Junior, "Oh... tha's right. I remembers nows, Mama. Well, thanks baby Jesus. Thanks for not meltin' me and my Ma. Even though it smells like we is. Aamen. And puleeze tell Santa I said, "Hi". Now, aamen."
There's just too many wonderful things to quote from this footage. But, here's a few;
"BOYCOTT HOLLYWOOD AND ALL OF THE COMMIES!!! MCCARTHY AND JOHN WAYNE WERE RIGHT!!"
"STOP THE SPENDING OR LEARN CHINESE!!"
"IIii'addd liiike to see a Chreeestiiun in the Whiiite House."
And look for her later in the clip (she won't be difficult to spot), when she starts crying it's just so fucking money.
The CZAR comments are truly awe-inspiring...
And my favorite?
"It hasn't even been a year yet and he's destroyed MOST of the country! I mean, come on! That's crazy!"
You guys, it's true. I mean... this is my neighborhood since Barack took office in January,
And the White House has honed a laser that just this morning came shooting out of President Obama's hole and it destroyed this car on my street!
That's the paperboy running for his life.
And Barack's honed-laser hole struck for the first time just last week at a Mary Kay Convention in Tampa!
Those used to be brilliant, shinny, pink Cadillacs belonging to some of the TOP Mary Kay reps in the NATION. Barack Obama HATES Mary Kay.
The media is SO liberal, they're not reporting it though. It's just FUCKING TERRIBLE!!
YOU GUYS!! IF WE DON'T STOP BARACK OBAMA'S HOLE NOW,
Well, there's NO TELLING WHAT COULD HAPPEN!!!
RUUNNN FEERR YER CHREEESSTTIIUNN LIIIVVEESSSZZ, FFUUUKKERRS!!!
This hysterical contribution comes to us from our latina goddess Diana. Thanks, Diana! Muchas Gracias, Culo.
Diana writes, "I'M TOO OLD TO BE A CHONGA, DAMN IT!!"
Culo? You'll never be too old to be MY chonga.
Text contribution as well:
Chonga: A girl of Hispanic origin, usually between the ages of 12 and 19, but sometimes as young as 8. Primarily found in Miami (most famously, in Hialeah), the chonga is known for her cheap form of dress, a combination of the so-called gangstalook and that of a prostitute, but can vary between the two.
She wears ridiculously large hoop earrings large enough to be bracelets, which are usually gold and have their name written in them, and diamond studs high up on her ears. They may also wear thick, gold bangle bracelets in stacks on their arms.
Depending on how ghetto she thinks she is, she may wear oversized men's t-shirts with tight, usually white Brazilian pants, with a colored thong worn underneath that shows through (on purpose).
The chonga's shoe of choice is usually either the traditional black Reeboks, white Nike Air Force Ones, completely black Converse high tops, velvet black ankle boots, or the most popular, Chinese beaded slippers in the same matching color ad their top, and worn with ankle socks.
Most recently, Chongas have begun listening to reggaeton, but also enjoy rap, R&B, and the radio stations that play these genres of music. They can also be heard frequently calling these stations to make "shout-outs" to their babydaddy.
Chongas have a very distinct form of speech, a cross between poorly imitated black slang and a thick Spanish accent, which emphasizes on the vowels. Some chongas even speak entirely in Spanglish. Here are some sample sentences, and how they would be pronounced in Chonga:
"Eyy yu no daa kih in fahrs pihreeuh OMAIIGA daaaaaaaaaaaaam he faaeeen!" (Hey, you know that kid in first period, oh my God, damn he's fine!)
"Eyy yu go-eentu Maariisleyseesiz quinceson Fraidei?" (Hey, are you going to Marisleysise's quince on Friday?)
"O HELLNAA bish Ima beesho azz, waash! OMAIIGAA!" (Oh hell no bitch, I'm going to beat your ass, watch! Oh my God!)
The Chonga also has a distinct form of writing as well, whether it be on bathroom stalls or their Myspace pages. A typical chonga-vandalized school bathroom stall (or wall, or classroom desk, or school bus seat, or most any other form of public property) would consist of poorly imitated graffiti in permanent marker or whiteout, usually insulting a rival chonga, warning fellow chongas to "Bak da Fuk Off", "claiming" a fantasy crush, (for example Nelly, Bow Wow, Chris Brown, Ludacris, Chingy Lil Wayne, Daddy Yankee, etc., referring to themselves as the rapper's "wifey" or "baby girl" or "fine Rican mami"), or simply tagging, using nicknames such as "Baby Girl" or "Brownie" or "Tweety" or "Rican Mami". However, being the unique individuals they are, they tend to write F's backwards, I's (ii) double, S's accompanied by a Z (Sz), and when typing, lowercase q's substituted for g's (BaBii qiiRl) or 3's for e's (N3LLySzi RiiCaN PRiiNC3Sz). Examples of this (written either on public property or online) would be:
The chonga may also have a special nickname for her real-life boyfriend, a chongo who may go by the name of Mauricio or Junior or Angel or Juan, but whom she affectionately calls Cio or Coco or Snickers or Scooby.
Chongas may be found riding Metro buses, the chonga vehicle of choice, in groups of 4 to up to 15 of their kind, if her cousin Kenneth is not available to give her a ride to the "flea" (explained later) on the handlebars of his stolen tricycle.
Chongas can be seen at the flea market (or "flea"), Dolphin Mall, roaming the streets of Hialeah, around basketball courts, public parks, or in their cousin Junior's bedroom.
Well, it's day #5 of me lying about flat on my back. I can't believe that my back is still whacked. And Whitney, did indeed call me and when I answered, knowing it was her because her number showed up, I asked, "What up, girl?"
And then, she replied, "YOUR BACK IS WHACK!! SHIT, DOG!!"
And then, if I didn't already know it was her, she started yelling, "BBOOOOBBBAAYYYY!!! BBBOOOBBBAYYYY!!" before she hung up the phone.
So, I'm stir-crazy. I've been hobbling about, trying to do some light stretches, but they just seem to aggravate my back even more. I've been icing and trying not to do much.
So, "trying not to do much" SOMEHOW led me to the following video. Don't ask me how I came across it, for I truly don't know.
The video was fine, not really, but it is what it is. However, what kept my attention were the comments that followed.
Holy smokes.
For instance, "deltaman" wrote, "well if you wanted a reward for fucking whining.. you got it. Throw some cheese on dat bitch!"
"hoipoi10" was tongue-tied and wrote, "OMG!"
"JawJaws" wrote enviously, "nice lips"
"SeamusHobo" wrote, "You're not funny, you're not original and at at the end of the day.. you're an American! Fancy a ride?"
Oh Seamus, you're such a romantic hobo... And anyone who stutters even in text just wins my heart, even if you ARE ARE stupid.
"bigart1993" was really sweet and said, "What she really wants: A SLOPPY FACIAL"
And "davidwallis85" no doubt wanting to encourage "bigart1993" commented on HIS comment, "lol great call"
Oh David. Why not just get it over with and ask Big Art if you can suck him.
THEN, "Damian Grover" was just plain exuberant and exclaimed "Marry me!xxxx"
"AlcoholicFelix" asked, "is she crazy?"
You're one to talk, Felix... all self-medicating with the booze.
"CreatorOfPorn" pronounced, "she s hhhhoooottttttt deamn"
Where "alexkiller1" just wrote, "bitch", which is always really sweet.
"Fattyjey" jumped on the romantic bandwagon and said, "Sho me somegoddamn tittis".
Mr. Fatty, you're more romantic than Seamus!
"livedeath2222" wrote, "the only reason this video has so much views is cause the girl is a whore".
In which I say, Mr. Livedeath, that might not be the ONLY reason...
"bitesizereeces" exclaimed with a little prejudice I believe, "Justine this is my all time favorite video of yours!! Give me the cheeseburger! Lol absolute favorite.".
Jesus Bitesize... you're a wreck. We should just call you "Bitesizepieces".
"geniusxkiller" professed his love, "Marry me plz! My name is Bob Thomas, I'm 5 feet 9 inches(penis size also!). I want to sex on you. I take ballet classes and write poems. I make very good spaghetti and likes to watch sun sets. I draw unicorns and rainbows and likes to take bubble baths. I make delicious hamburgers. I don't like salmon either. I watch all your videos. I have blonde spiked hair and love you. My favorite food is pizza. I don't like tomatoes. Icarly is my second favorite show (yours being the first)."
I thought you were "geniusxkiller"? Okay... Well, Bob, I bet she'd be interested in you if your penis wasn't as long as you are tall and if you weren't gay and in 5th grade.
"CrustySmegma", who only has a name someone completely vile could love, wrote, "dam that chick isnt funny at all... why do people watch this shit..."
Mr. Smegma? It's damn, not "dam". A noun there just doesn't make sense.
To which, "nycl3gendkiller" got up alll in "CrustySmegma's" business and was all, "cause she is hot, why is ur dick broken?"
Dang, no he din't.
Then, "frikz123" wrote, "i want a titsburger.. titsburger.. yeah titsburger.."
And "hgemon" wrote, "you need sperm milk in your face".
Then, "beastmode003" wrote, "ILL GIVE U MY BIG OL CHEESE BURGER".
And "kevsixteen" choked out, "i love u ij but let me tell u that u almost kill me cuz i was chewing gum while i was seeing this video so i swoalo it and choked and i almost got killed by u cuz i was laughing soooooooo much i love u ij !"
I hate it when I swoalo gum and almost get kill.
And "greygirl 9999" exclaimed, "omg i HATE it when waiters do that!!!!!!! it makes me wanna kill baby kittens!!!!!!!!!!!!! =("
Okay, first of all... "kittens" ARE BABIES, YOU ASSHOLE. YOU'RE BEING REDUNDANT. But besides that, REALLY, MISS GREY? THAT makes you want to kill kittens? :( I'm pretty sure that when life really gets rough for you, we're ALL in trouble. Even baby babies.
Well, then the comments on Miss Grey's comment;
"MrStarstrukk283", "hahahaa same here...and whats a mahi mahi".
And, "salth2omermaid" explained, "mahi mahi is dolphin".
While "lovefromcaroline" exclaimed her uncertainty, "mahi mahi is tuna ?!?!?!".
"androoschlong" doesn't really care WHAT Mahi Mahi is and yelled, "show ya poon!!"
"GeneralG1810" jumped on the bandwagon and asked, "Can I eat your furburger?"
Something tells me there's no "fur" down there, General.
And "recheveste31" exclaimed, "jizz!!! lol"
Yes, Mr. Recheveste, that's just hysterical. I'm lol too.
Where "horstens" exclaimed, "I´m doin`your mom!"
Again, terribly sweet.
Now, "BigOleWolrd" wasn't too fond of her and wrote, "This bitch is so damn stupid. You can take that cheeseburger and shove it up your ass."
"Livinginoneness9" had a spiritual bend to their comment, "i eat fruit that wants to be eaten for seed despersal and eat a few other vegies on the side for nutrients to continue living i dont end the life of an animal that thinks and has emotions just so that i can satisfy my taste buds."
Mr/Miss Livinginoneness, I applaud your higher consciousness, I truly do. I've given up pork for the very same reason. But, I think it's okay to eat fruit and veggies that DON'T WANT to be eaten for seed dispersal, especially because I highly doubt you're flying over fields and streams shitting in them. I could be wrong, though. I know. I'm a barbarian. The whole "seed dispersal" thing just has me thinking you really only eat dust and rain.
"housechores" wrote, "Funny...and I'm in love with the way you say cheeeeeeeeseburgers"
Get back to WORK, CINDERELLA!
"MrBarrackosama" smacked everyone down with, "madafuckin cheeseburga . why all these niggas saying she so special coz she has looks. she just put makeup on and is FIT. doesnt mean she makes good videos ma niggas".
Umm...okay, Mr. President... No wonder you're having so much trouble with your health care plan.
THEN, "AzeoxKun" wrote, "wow if i was 6 years older i fucked u"
And the past tense just confused everyone, beginning with;
"xxxtobyx3", "I don't understand your comment. Are you saying that if you were 6 years older you would have had already engaged in sexual intercourse with her?"
And "IslandTess07", "I agree - I'm very confused with his comment?"
Mr. Byx and Ms. Tess? I think he's 12. Or 10. I know, it's kind of a mind-bender. But, I think he's saying if he were older, he'd be pouncing on her "poon".
"gilboypogi" told her, "i'll fuck ur curtain pussy!!!"
Now, I'm the one who's confused. I don't know what "curtain pussy" means.
"jono2687" wrote, "youll be fat and ugly in a few years you fucking cunt !"
Now, I really don't like the "C" word. In fact, I highly doubt that it's EVER made an appearance on this blog. But, I had to on this one. I think ssooommmmeboooddyyy is a little bitter. And their name begins with "j".
"codytheking313" was very technical and thus, boring, and said, "show us your genitals."
Yawn. Mr. King? Get with the profanity.
"eagertomeetmiley11" expressed her frustration, "omg she is soo cute!!!!i want her hair i hate mine!!!!ugh!!!!!!"
You know what, Ms. Eagertomeetmiley? Again, Yawn. Get with the profanity. Like you couldn't have said, "omg she is soo cute!!!! i want her hair with spooge in it!! i hate mine!!! It's not stuck to the pillow!! ugh!!!"
And Mr. "Doob776" confessed, "i watch ijustine's video's with the sound off and my pants off, its ALOT better that way".
"doubledutch9r" explained, "if you want to eat a cheeseburger at a place that sells mahi mahi with lime juice, pan seared halibut, and salmon, you should really take a good long hard look at yourself and think: wow. this is why the Europeans hate us."
So, Mr. Dutch... THAT'S the reason? THAT'S the summation of our foreign policy? Well, that was easy enough.
And Mr. "SoldierMedicPATMAN" asked, "whats with all the perverted comments? imma keep it clean and just say i would love to fuck you crazy and eat your asshole."
That's just really quaint. Mr. Patman, you are just SO old-fashioned!
And "iJakeTV" said, "I would have gone to a different place!!"
***(Insert sound of screeching brakes)***
And then I thought, Jake! What? No "pussy burger" comment?? No "You're hair needs a cum bath!" comment? No, "that makes me want to kill kittens, do your mom and see your poon!" comment? Just "I would have gone to a different place!"?? Just like that?? With two exclamation marks? That simple?
But.... But, if she would've just "gone to a different place", we would've had NONE of this! It would've just been business as usual in poon-ville. "Hgemon", "CrustySmegma" and Mr. "Beastmode" wouldn't have been able to express themselves. Actually, well over 15,000 people wouldn't have been able to express themselves. As vulgar as they might be.
And I wouldn't have gotten to laugh. WE wouldn't have gotten to laugh. Not really at the video, mind you, but at the disaster of comments left in its wake.
Oh sure, there may have been a whole other story, a whole other set of circumstances. But, there wasn't. She went where she went. And we got what we got. And we all dealt with it in different ways. It made some of us angry. And some of us happy. Some of us confused. And quite a few of us horny.
But still, the experience she had set off its ripple effect and we all had different experiences because and in-spite of it.
And really, Jake... HOW do you know what you would've done? HOW do you REALLY KNOW?? I believe you THINK you know what you would've done. But, you don't. Not really. How arrogant and self-centered to think that you would.
And funny enough, out of all the stupid, nasty comments, I think yours might be one of the most judgmental. Simply put, because you knew better. Of a situation that you weren't in, you so easily thought you knew what you'd do.
Jake, I'm being unfair to you. We've all probably done this at some point. I know I have. I seemed so certain that I knew what I would've done in someone else's circumstance. But, I believe that I wouldn't have truly known until I was in that person's shoes, which unfortunately, just beyond the realm of empathy, is impossible.
So, I suppose, like any self-expression, including my own, it speaks more about the person saying it, rather than who or what they're talking about.
This contribution comes to us from our brilliant on-line marketing guru, Jim Kukral. Thanks, Jimmy K!
Wow. There sure are a lot of peeps getting it in the can. I half-expected to see my 3rd Grade teacher confessing. Her name was Miss Tush. Seriously, bishes. Like we didn't have a fricking FIELD DAY with THAT name! That poor thing... she had facial hair too... which tasted AWFUL. Dang.
Grace Jones' 30th Birthday Party at Studio 54 in New York City in 1978. And Divine looking all bewildered, no doubt, getting blown over by her own fart.
So, Will made me watch "Breakfast at Tiffany's" for the first time the other night. I KNOW! I KNOW! DON'T TELL HEADQUARTERS. They'll kick me out. A gay man not seeing "Breakfast at Tiffany's" before he was 40?? Scandal.
Well, of course, I loved it. And this clip from Holly Golightly's party from the film is one of my favorite scenes. And I'm afraid to say, but a little proud too - in a twisted sort-of-way, that the party guest that I identified the most with would be the woman staring in the mirror... maybe just on an occasion or two. Maybe three.
"You know the part... you know the part whaaa... shit... what was it, man... you know the part where the guy comes out? With the gun? You know what part I'm talkin' about? It's in the beginnin'? It may not have been a gun... Maybe it was a rock... He comes out of that little room? That was so cool..."
So, the other day, Will and I took the pups for a walk around Wade Lagoon, which lies in front of The Cleveland Museum of Art and is only about 5 minutes from our home. Okay, maybe 7 minutes... Alright, maybe 8. But, NO MORE! Well... maybe sometimes 9, BUT THAT'S IT, DAMN IT!!
The Lagoon itself is gorgeous and surrounded by ornamental flowering trees, fountains
and sculptures.
This is "Night" passing the Earth to "Day", with the Museum of Art sitting proudly in the background.
Even the lamp-posts are fantastic and are art in and of themselves.
And then,
there's the Museum of Art itself.
A structure from another time...
From a period of grace in the pride of continuing classical architecture, which is indeed timeless, without the need to forge one's own design and masterbate one's own ego and piss all over something that we're going to consider atrocious in 30 years.
I guess you can probably tell how I feel about most modern architecture... I'm not a big fan.
Now don't get me wrong. I understand the psychology behind the attempt to be original. And I DO appreciate some contemporary architecture. And even the shitty stuff is a great contrast to the stunning works, providing perspective. I mean, how would we know what's good if we haven't seen what's bad, right?
Anyway, enough of my silly rant, here's the beauty settling in
at dusk.
And more dusk.
And slumbering peacefully at night.
Wade Lagoon is surrounded by other fantastic structures that make up what's called "University Circle".
And then, the holy oil can church, as we like to call it.
With its stunning patina copper steeple.
And at night, shinning bright like a pale Aquamarine stone.
So, Will, the pups and myself continued our meandering around the serene lagoon. And we came across the Koi or, "Nishikigoi" (Living Jewels), as the Japanese also refer to them, but when speaking more formally. And when pronounced out loud, sounds more like a sneeze, I know.
Now, Will and I actually have a Koi pond with our new home. And it really is tranquil, SO meditative... I really never thought I actually WANTED a Koi pond, I guess I never thought one way or the other about it. But, now that we have one, I LOVE it. Will and I take our coffee out there in the mornings and it practically lulls me right back into bed. So, it's good for the soul, but maybe not so much for the productive end of life.
Well anyway, we were watching the rather large and in-charge Koi at Wade Lagoon when these kids of maybe 18 came bouncing and sauntering up. Their pants were barely hanging on and they had probably only been the proud owners of pubes for about 4 years now.
So, they walked up and were all, "DUDE! LOOK AT THAT BIG ASS GOLDFISH!"
And I should've just kept my mouth shut, but I didn't want them to be dumb, so I said, "Actually, it's a Koi."
And they all just turned their heads and stared at me as though I just asked, "Well, Hello there... What do you all say on the count of 3, we have a 20 minute session of sucking my balls? Who's first?"
So, convincing myself that they must have not heard me, I repeated myself, "They're not really 'Goldfish', they're called 'Koi.'"
Again, nothing. They all turned around ignoring me and kept looking at the big ass goldfish.
Had I only had a slide show presentation with me. I could've said, "This is a GOLDFISH, bishes."
A super fancy one at that.
Then, there's this one,
that makes my eyes hurt. Or my eyeLIDS hurt. Or my eyes, my eyelids AND my ears. Actually, it just makes my whole face hurt. And you KNOW that he's all, "Dude... Thanks a lot for breeding me to look like this. WTF? Real nice, bro. Reeaalll nice..."
Then, there's THIS one,
Black Goldfish (wouldn't it just be called "Blackfish"? Or... "Slightly Gray and Dull Blue Fish With Lots Of Fucked Up Shit on its head"?) from GuangZhou Zoo. It's also called "Black Lion". His roar tends to be a little muffled though... with a few bloops. And you KNOW that he's all, "HEY! WHERE YOU BE AT? DANG, I CAN'T SEES A THANG! THIS SHIT BE CCRRAAZZYY, YO!"(source)
We've named our Koi... Or rather, I'VE named our Koi. Which can be unfortunate when there's an f-ing Blue Heron that occasionally lands and STEALS our family membered fish from the pond for dinner. At a later date, I shall take some pics of them and post them with their names, if there are any left. But, in the meantime, we DO have a yellow/gold one like this kind
that I've named "Goldie Hawn". She's going to be a STAR, I just know it!
Now, this is some serious dedication to Koi, no?
And I haven't quite figured it out yet, whether or not his body art is suppose to be symbolizing that his ass BLEW that Koi and those water lillies out of there, or whether his hole is like a big drain and it's going to suck them up. I'm sure that it's one or the other.
So, Will and I are loving the Koi. Although, we know that they just love us for the food.
It's crazy, you can hear the fish speaking Japanese! The translation, you ask? "I NEEDS ME SOME FOOD, BISH! AND KEEPS YOUR SLIMY SCALES OFF ME, SUCKA! DANG! ALL Y'ALL BE CRAMPIN' MY GAME!! shiiiitttt.."
You're probably wondering where I'm going with this post. Well, like a stroll, really no place in particular. And that's the point of it, I guess.
Will and I continued our walk with the pups around the park.
And I noticed that there weren't too many people on their cell phones talking, or texting, or facebooking. They were looking at the trees, the flowers and the bees. They were watching the "Big Ass Goldfish" and talking with one another...in person. And it was extraordinary in its simplicity.
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