Blog O'Gram! I HAVE A BLOG O'GRAM!! For You...

AM STILL BREATHING. STOP.

HAVE BEEN ON VERGE OF BARFING ALL OVER MYSELF AND WEEPING FOR 4 WEEKS. STOP.

HAVE BEEN ON VERGE OF BARFING ALL OVER ANYONE WITHIN 20-FOOT RADIUS AND HANGING OFF OF THEM WEEPING FOR 3 WEEKS AND SIX DAYS. STOP.

WILL AND I HAVE SOLD OUR HOME. STOP.

WE HAVE A MATTRESS LYING ON THE BEDROOM FLOOR AND ALL OF OUR SHIT HAS BEEN PACKED IN A TRUCK (OR STOLEN) BY TWO EX-CONVICTS THAT SHARE 5 TEETH BETWEEN THEM. STOP.

WE LEAVE FOR CLEVELAND, OHIO TOMORROW. STOP.

SCRATCH THAT. WE LEAVE FOR McCAIN/PALIN HEADQUARTERS IN WARREN, OHIO (MY PARENTS) TOMORROW. STOP.

WE WILL BE LIVING THERE FOR THE MONTH BEFORE THE ELECTION BEFORE WE BUY AND MOVE INTO A HOUSE IN CLEVELAND, OHIO. STOP.

I'M ACTUALLY WORKING UNTIL THE NIGHT BEFORE WE LEAVE...WHICH MEANS RIGHT NOW. STOP.

I'M EXCITED. STOP.

I'M FREAKED OUT. STOP.

I'M NAUSEATED (WHICH YOU ALREADY KNEW). STOP.

I'M SAD. STOP.

AND I'D REALLY RATHER JUST CURL UP IN A BALL AND SHIT MY PANTS AND MAYBE EVEN WET MYSELF. STOP.

OKAY, MAYBE NOT "SHIT MY PANTS". STOP.

MAYBE SHIT SOMEONE ELSE'S PANTS. STOP.

I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO TOMORROW BEING OVER. STOP.

BECAUSE THE LOAN ISN'T EVEN FUCKING FINAL YET AND OUR SHIT IS GONE AND WE HAVE NOTHING AND WE QUIT OUR JOBS AND SAID 'GOODBYE' TO PEOPLE WE LOVE AND IT WASN'T ENOUGH TIME AND I DIDN'T GET TO SAY 'GOODBYE' TO ALL MY FAVORITE PLACES AND I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT THERE'S A POSSIBILITY THAT JOHN McPAIN AND SARAH FLAILIN' MIGHT WIN AND MY PARENTS HAVE A SIGN IN THEIR FRONT YARD FOR THOSE ASSHOLES AND WE HAVE TO LIVE THERE AND I'M PRETTY SURE THAT I JUST DID INDEED BARF ALL OVER MYSELF AND I'M THINKING OF RIPPING ALL MY HAIR OUT, STARTING WITH MY PUBES AND WEEPING IS STILL A VIABLE OPTION AND.

I WISH I COULD. STOP.

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler: The Interview

And just in case you missed this brilliance, VOILA!

Charlie Rose - Sorensen Endorses Obama

McPain's Brain

McPain's Brain's all BOM CHICKA WOW WOW!! on Governor Flailin'...which kind of makes me sick. Shouldn't he be under a bridge somewhere collecting tolls?

There's Strength In River Otters

So, yesterday my head almost blew off my body. It began at 8 a.m. when our real estate agent called. I'll get into that in another post, just know that my hair stood up on end I was so pissed. And my eyes may have turned red...it's certain, in fact. My eyes turned red and Satan even shivered.

Well, then, already in a ripe mood, I took the dogs out for our morning walk and I ran into a neighbor who happens to wear


Daisy Dukes ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I'm not kidding. It's awful.

HE even wears them in Winter.

And he thinks he's a


badass Navy Seal...or something.

But, he's not. The Navy Seals that I've met and worked with years ago were never so arrogant. They didn't need to be.

This guy walks around in his short-shorts exposing WAY too much of his stick legs strutting as though one of these


poor logs were trapped in his rectum. That very well might be the case, which would explain everything.

I've often wanted to scream, "HEY, DAISY DUKE! WE ALL KNOW THAT YOU FINGER YOUR OWN HOLE FOR MOST OF THE DAY, SO WHY DON'T YOU GIVE IT A BREAK!!"

He drives a big ole truck to compensate for his tiny


fuzzy bubbles.

And I can't stand him...If you hadn't gathered.

Well, Daisy and I had a run-in yesterday. I didn't appreciate the way that he and that log up his ass and his tiny bubbles almost walked into me and the dogs, so I told him so.

And he didn't like that very much. But, that's okay, 'cause I didn't care very much for his attitude either, so we were even.

He told me something along the lines of "DON'T MESS WITH ME! YOU'LL REGRET IT!!"

So, then, because I was Satan and was ready to destroy all life as we know it, I stood my ground asking him with my arms stretched out so I looked like a ninja warrior ready to fucking pounce, (okay, maybe not a "ninja warrior" per se, but I looked limber, k? Even my back was nicely arched.) "Just what is it you plan to do? What is it you think that you're going to do that I'll regret? 'Cause I'm a really nice guy, but I'm quite capable of wiping your face all over the pavement." Then, I strategically added, "You should really calm down..."

This of course, just made him more angry, which sadly, was my intention.

He screamed back, "I'LL MAKE YOU PAY! YOU'RE GOING TO PAY!!"

And I stood there almost snickering (which infuriated him even more) and continued my interrogation, "So, HOW am I going to pay? Tell me."

He turned, adjusted the logs in his ass and strutted back to his lair, where he's probably planning my demise as I write this...and inserting more logs.

I'm not proud of egging him on even more, but I really have a hard time letting bullies get away with being bullies. Hopefully, one of these days I won't get shot...or dragged by Sarah Palin's El Camino. (Sorry, I had to.)

Well, I had that tightness in my chest all day, that comes with stress and confrontation. But, as the day wore on and I talked with Will and then a couple of neighbors and some friends, I started to relax and remember what goodness surrounds me. What great people I know and am proud to know. And things didn't seem so bad. And it reminded me what strength there is in numbers...that can drive the most sinister of things away.

So, speaking of strength, I have a confession...



River Otters make me weak in my knees. They're just SO fricking cute I CAN'T STAND IT! I want to hear their little plush-toy squeak and smush them to my face. Although, they'd no doubt rip my nose and lips off and gouge my eyeballs out. But still...

So, anyway, in this video, these FUCKING ADORABLE River Otters stand up to a CROCODILE! SERIOUSLY IMPRESSIVE. So, besides being so god damn cute? They're total badasses.

And remember, my brothers and sisters, there's strength in numbers, so we need to stick together. Got it? Good.

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

Just in the event that you missed this...

Gina Gershon Strips Down Sarah Palin

See more Gina Gershon videos at Funny or Die

This contribution comes to us from Roland and Ravedogg. Thanks, you two! Love it...

Our Dare-Devil Hair Stylist

He is a "hair stylist", but I wouldn't really call my haircut a "hair style". It's just there, mostly brown with some slight blond on the edges from the Summer Sun. I part it to the side and usually have bangs. I don't put crap in it, I don't really care. So, it's pretty boring.

Hopefully, my piercing blue eyes and ginormous penis and rockstar ass are enough excitement that I don't need my hair to be.

Although, that's not to say that if I had great hair, I wouldn't do great things with it. I'm sure I would. I would save the planet with the best hair style EVER.

I wouldn't have to crane my neck to smell the flowers, they would bend their stems and lean my way just in order to catch a glimpse of my amazing hair.


And their petals would shiver as I walked by. I don't have to tell you what their stamens and pistils would do. I hate to brag, but I bet there'd be some premature pollinating going on...

Yeah. That's right. My hair style would even make plants horny.

And birds would stop in mid-flight and drop to the nearest perch to gaze at my luxurious, luminous locs.


They would think, "WOULD YOU JUST LOOK AT THAT SILKY NEST BUILDING MATERIAL?? IT'S JUST LUXURIOUS!! BUT, MORE THAN THAT, LOOK AT THE WAY IT'S STYLED!! IT'S SO TRES CHIC. I've always been envious of a nice crest! Bitch! Chirp, chirp, chirp."

My hair style would alter the evolution of botany as we know it and would turn the aviary world on its beak!

But alas...My hair will do no such thing without weaves, extensions, glue and wire.

I DID have a few braids with beads put in it one time when I was vacationing in the U.S. Virgin Islands with my ex-fiancee years ago. I'm not sure which looked more ridiculous, the braids with colored beads in MY hair? Or how that side of my head frizzed for days afterward when I removed said braids. I had half an afro...or half a frizz-fro. Whatever it was, it was enough to garner quizzical stares.

So, anyway...I managed to throw my back out again last week. And it's still pinging and panging. I'm taking it easy, stretching almost every hour and icing. I carry stress in my lower back, thus the two injuries in the last 3 months.

And just HOW did I throw my back out of whack because crack and back are whack?

It was EXTREMELY exciting and sexy. That's ALL you need to know. (I was turning to pick up a dish. A PLASTIC dish that probably weighs an ounce. It's aalllwwayys frickin' humbling.)

So, the other day, I hobbled into the salon where Will and I get our hair cut. Actually, we get ALL of our hairs cut there. Okay, not ALL of them, but many of them.

We used to go to that one chica who mangled our hair for $15. And the haircut would be fine for a few days, but then as it began to grow, we'd invariably have to add gel, or paste, or scotch tape to fix whatever she fucked up...which was usually most of our heads.

Not to mention, that was the place that announced to the free world that I had back hair and where I should go for its removal. Remember that? Yeah. Me too.

So, we go to "Ryan" now. Ryan is very cool. He's a young guy, wears more rings than Liberace, but somehow isn't flamboyant. He's not gay and isn't screaming cool, he just is. If you know what I mean...Kind of metro-sexual meets skateboarder meets surfer.

Well, when I went in the other day I asked him how he'd been and he replied that he had been fine, but that he hurt his shoulder and it was bothering him.

I said, "Oh, I hurt my back last week. How did you hurt your shoulder?"

And he nonchalantly replied, "Well, I was at a concert and went into the mosh pit. Normally it's fine, but these dudes were extra aggressive, so I got kind of slammed. It sucked. But, we still had a good time. How did you hurt your back?"

Needless to say, I did NOT want to reply that I turned and lifted a dish. A PLASTIC dish weighing an ounce. I wanted to say, "The mosh pit, huh? What a coincidence! Me too!"

Or, "Oh, it's an old injury that always flares up when I wrestle wild boar...naked."

Or, "Oh, dude, my chute caught on the propeller of the chopper and fuckin' flung my sorry ass around and around and around until I cut the straps and fell into the Ocean when I landed on the nose of a Great White and had to sucker-punch that crazy fucker and I was all like 'BAM! TAKE THAT, YOU STUPID FUCKIN' SHARK!' And then I had to swim to shore and my back was all 'Dude' and it was gnarly. But, it was still a good time."

But no.

I told him how I actually hurt it and we both got a good laugh from it. Like I said, he's cool. I told him that I was thrilled that he didn't injure it doing something like picking up a utensil.

So, anyway, would you like to see Ryan and the epitome of his coolness?



Here he is skate-boarding down Old San Marcos Pass here in Santa Barbara, which runs down the side of a mountain. He's the shirtless one, with the red hat and red and green SAIL trailing behind his skateboard. Yeah...I told you. Even when he goes flying off the road at the end of the video, he's still cool.

Craig Ferguson - "Exercise Your Right As An American, And Listen To Yourself"

Brilliant. And funny. And right on.

Remember?

I saw a bumper sticker the other day and it said, "Remember Who You Wanted To Be."

It was a statement, not a question.

Although, I heard it in my mind as a question.

And so I wondered...

I'm not sure WHO I've ever wanted to BE. But, I think for the most part, I can say what I've wanted to be...



A SMOKIN' HOT PIECE OF FRENCH RUGBY ROCKSTAR ASS!

Non?

Oui? Or non?

Okay...

Well...Maybe for the most part I've wanted to be a...



BLACK JESUS!

How AWESOME would that be?? The Second Coming and I'd be all, "DAT'S RIGHT, FOOLS! I'M BACK AND I'M BLACK! ALL YOU MUTHA-FUCKAS BETTA RECOGNIZE!! ALL YOU CHUMPS ACTIN' ALL CRAZY AND SHIT!! KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF, BISHES! Sshhiitttt...Now hand me that Colt45 and stop the hatin'! Dang."

If there ever was (or is) a Second Coming, we'll (we'd) never know, 'cause we'd kill him all over again.

So, where was I before all of this tomfoolery took hold of me?

Ahh yes, I was talking about what I've wanted to be...


A pavilion. At the end of a pier wouldn't be so bad...

I could provide shelter for those seeking shade from a scorching Sun. Or shelter from the rain.

They could stand under my roof, in safety as they contemplate cool, still waters that calm their spirits into lullaby.

They would look forward to reaching me as a destination as they walked down the pier.

And would remember me with fondness when they depart...

But, my presence would be barely noticed. Almost taken for granted. Unconscious, in appreciation.

And yes, a big tropical storm or hurricane could come flying through and wipe me out, it always does to the best of us, even if it's under the quiet cloak of time...

But yeah, I've wanted to be a shelter...


For those who've needed it. And for those who don't. And I hope that there have been moments when I have been. And I hope that there are moments when I will be.

And more than anything, I'll be here. And I'll keep trying.

Suck And Shift

As opposed to sit and spin. Compliments of our Goddess Diana. Thanks, Diana!

Go Matt...

I'm dating Matt Damon now.

Thanks, Jimmy K.

So, What Time Is Trash Pick-Up? 'Cause This Shit Really Stinks

Sarah Palin: A Champion for Brutal Aerial Hunting

Despite strong scientific, ethical and public opposition to aerial hunting, Governor Palin has…

* Proposed paying a $150 bounty for the left foreleg of each dead wolf.

* Approved a $400,000 STATE-FUNDED PROPAGANDA campaign to promote aerial hunting.

* Introduced legislation to make it even easier to use aircraft to hunt wolves and bears. (source)


Haven't we had enough garbage in the Executive Branch of our government?

If any of you other countries are interested, we have another asshole for sale. In fact, she's free.