Kevin Charnas

William Bezek's Mad Hatter

2010-03-07T10:38:00.000-08:00

Will's latest bit of brilliance.

Will's Etsy Shop: Wormwood Hollow

And Will's Pansgarden

*******************************

Molded Image

2010-03-07T10:14:00.000-08:00

Heads Up: Prayer Warriors and Sarah Palin Are Organizing Spiritual Warfare to Take Over America

And the devolution of the American intellect continues:
Top home-school texts dismiss Darwin, evolution

I've never understood why god and evolution have to be mutually exclusive?

*********************************

From The Russian 70's With Love

2010-03-07T10:01:00.000-08:00

This rather disturbing contribution comes to us from one of our favorite correspondents Suebob. Thanks, Suebob!

Dude... WHAT is he DOING???

I feel like either HE'S trippin'? Or I am... And I'm pretty sure I didn't put any LSD on our poached eggs this morning...

***********************************

Context

2010-03-07T09:40:00.000-08:00

Just a little bit of history. 'Cause you know, it's kind of important...

Please feel free to click on image to enlarge. (source)

Reconciliation has been used 21 times. Most of it's been used by Republicans.

Partisanship's bad now in Washington? Try again

***********************************

Where Life Blossoms

2010-03-04T09:51:00.000-08:00

Recently, I feel like my faith in humanity has been hanging on by threads. And you probably read what I recently wrote about it...

It may just be the weather... This time of year in a Northern climate can be a little trying.

It's probably a combination of things. I'm probably reading too many sensationalized headlines. The political milieu certainly isn't helping. The recent massive earthquakes in Haiti and Chile were deeply disturbing, yet humbling. Reminding me how fortunate I am. That I have so much to be grateful for... I could do with a bit of a news fast though.

But, anyway... I've been in a bit of a funk that I'm having trouble shaking.

I will. Emotions are seasons and will pass. And anger, hope, despair, unabated happiness, it all passes. It just takes me some discipline and grace to ride those waves. To let happiness flow like a free river. And to cradle anger or despair like an infant. That either has its place and right just as happiness does, but I should be more gentle with them... and with myself during times like this.

So, while I've been contemplating my place in the world... Wondering why and what and IF it all matters, I received a message the other day from an old friend that I haven't spoken with in probably at least 10 years, probably more like 14 or 15. It hasn't been intentionally that long... It's just that the years go by so damn fast...

She wrote, "Friday my 8 year old was hit in a cross walk by a Hummer. I have been in the worst state of my life, as we have gone through this. She will be okay, three breaks in her pelvis, one in her foot. I've never been so scared. She is in terrible pain however, using a wheelchair and will be moving to a walker when she can. I have missed you old friend and as I have walked this path this weekend I have felt the need to cry on your shoulder as somehow I know that the depth of our friendship has been a source of soul strenghtening for me. I could use some strength, I know the lady that hit her (small town).

"We are at the Hospital right now but we will be leaving it today as she doesn't need iv's anymore. We all need to go home. What a mess I don't even know if this all makes sense. Sorry if I don't make sense as I write to you but hopefully a little of it does. I haven't had much sleep. I am going to try to catch a nap now. Thank you for being my friend, Thank you for the times you have held my hand listened to my words, given me a hug, I love you friend."

That reminded me.

That to live for one another, is where life blossoms, where it moves beyond merely breathing, into the magical realm of love. And there really isn't anything else.

**********************************

Me And My Three Teeth Live For The Baby Jesus! AAHH!! AAAHHH!!!

2010-03-04T07:48:00.000-08:00

Just in case you guys didn't know who the crazy-crazy was down below. She was on "Trading Spouses", which Will and I watched about five times back in the day. And we were fortunate enough to catch this episode.

As our jaws dropped, I turned to Will and said, "You KNOW that the producers of the show were all like, 'SCORE!'"

In her words, "I have taken a stand. I have taken a stand. I am not a fence rider."

No, honey. You're certainly not.

*** In Ray Abruzzo's words, "Dear God, please protect me from your followers."

*****************************************

Blubber

2010-03-03T15:17:00.000-08:00

American Family Association: Stone To Death Killer Whale Who Killed Trainer

"KILL THAT WHALE! STONE THAT WHALE!! I'M GONNA THROW MY LAST THREE TEETH AT 'EM!! BABY JESUS WANTS THAT WHALE DEEAADD!!"

They want to STONE THE WHALE TO DEATH.

And, American Family Association Pins SeaWorld Death On Lack Of Christianity: ‘Bible Ignored, Trainer Died’

OF COURSE, that's what it was. That was my very first thought too.

People really need to stop taking the bible so literally. It's super embarrassing. Stupid, really. Super stupid. Psychotic and super stupid. And it's just bad form. It's like they're 5 year olds amped up on Mountain Dew right before bedtime. Do you know what I mean? Little assholes fucking bouncing off the walls...

Idiocy at its finest.

Let us get on to at least some logic... even if it is without panties...

I told you some time back that Sharon Stone and I think that saving whales is really hot. Remember that? I thought you might.

Well, before we get on with the task at hand, I thought you might want to see some true majesty. The following photos from a diver swimming with a 50ft Humpback Whale (and NOT in a fish tank, bishes) are a contribution from my sista, Suebob. Thanks, baby!

You guys, you've GOT to click on these images to make them larger... Or visit the link to their origin above. They're too incredible not to.

So, in relation to the enslavement of Orcas and dolphins for our "entertainment"... Of having WHALES do TRICKS in a FISH TANK...

Joyce Tischler, founder of and general counsel for Animal Legal Defense Fund:
"She compares an orca’s life in captivity in a tank to keeping a human being in a bathtub for his entire life." (From DawnWatch) For the full Christian Science Monitor article: Death of Sea World trainer: Do 'killer whales' belong in theme parks?

Revenge At SeaWorld: Orca Attack Shouldn’t Come As Any Surprise

And if you're so inclined, you may Tell SeaWorld: Free Tilly, and No Wild Orca For Entertainment! It's easy.

"The time has come to view captivity of whales and dolphins as a part of our history... Not a tragic part of our future."

- Jean-Michel Cousteau

*** And if you're on Facebook and would like to join the group: Free Tilikum

*******************************

Celebrate Yourself

2010-03-02T07:32:00.000-08:00

And celebrate one another. After all, we're all flawlessly flawed, no?

Just in a bazillion, beautiful different ways...

********************************

February Swimming Hole #3

2010-02-28T09:17:00.000-08:00

SWIMMERS!

READY?

TAKE YOUR MARK!!

BBUUURRRR!!! Even the starting blocks are ice.

SHAAZZAAMM! That's some cold-ass snow on my bubbies.

* February Swimming Hole #1
* February Swimming Hole #2
* January Swimming Hole #1
* January Swimming Hole #2
* January Swimming Hole #3
* January Swimming Hole #4

*******************************

His Costume

2010-02-27T17:26:00.000-08:00

Somehow I never stopped to notice
that my father liked to dress as a woman.
He had his sign language about women
talking too much, and being stupid,
but whenever there was a costume party
he would dress like us, the tennis balls
for breasts - balls for breasts - the long
blond wig, the lipstick, he would sway
his body with moves of gracefulness
as if one being could be the whole
universe, its ends curving back to come
up from behind it. Six feet, and maybe
one-eighty, one-ninety, he had the shapely
legs of a male Grable - in a short
skirt, he leaned against a bookcase pillar
nursing his fifth drink, gazing
around from inside his mascara purdah
with those salty eyes. The woman from next door
had a tail and ears, she was covered in Reynolds Wrap,
she was Kitty Foyle, and my mother was in
a tiny tuxedo, but he always won
the prize. Those nights, he had a look of daring,
a look of triumph, of having stolen
back. And as far as I knew, he never threw
up, as a woman, or passed out, or made
those signals of scorn with his hands, just leaned,
voluptuous, at ease, deeply
present, as if sensing his full potential, crossing
over into himself, and back,
over, and back.

~ Sharon Olds

***********************************

Le Blute-Fin Mill

2010-02-27T16:42:00.000-08:00

Van Gogh experts authenticate unusual VG painting

This image released by Museum de Fundatie, Zwolle, Netherlands, on Wednesday, Feb. 24, 2010, shows a painting entitled 'Le Blute-Fin Mill', by Vincent van Gogh. The newly authenticated Van Gogh has gone on display 35 years after an art collector bought it in Paris, convinced it was painted by the famed Dutch master but never able to prove it. Louis van Tilborgh, curator of research at the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam, said 'Le Blute-Fin Mill' was done in 1886. He said its large human figures are unusual for a Van Gogh landscape but it has his typically bright colors.

********************************

"THEY CALL ME STACEY..."

2010-02-27T05:27:00.001-08:00

That's not my name, bishes...

********************************

A Collection Of WTFs For Friday (And The "Lots of Skin Edition")

2010-02-26T09:30:00.000-08:00

Let's just get right to it, shall we?

While you were at it, it would've been great if you would've had them tattoo clothes on you. No, I mean it. Like really great. Like really, really great. And I really, really mean it.

YYEEE-HHAAWW!! Bish, you're covering that horse's eyes. He totally can't see where he's going. You two are going to jackknife any minute.

Ah.... yeah. There's nothing like an actual banana in a gold lame banana hammock. Dude. And if you're looking for your car key, I'm pretty sure it's in your belly button.

And what the hell? Do you not normally make it in time? This saves time if you're prairie-doggin' it? And I hope you only sit on your towel.

I don't really know what "DIRTY" is all about... The car? The armpits? Or the bellies... Dunno. All I know is this photo is so creative, it should've won some kind of award. And of course, I'm SO curious as to what they're all pointing at. Maybe it's a giant, flying, sweaty, fur-covered Middle Eastern belly... Their Mothership. Oh, the luck some people have.

Dude! Oh my god, I didn't think you were going to make that last curve.

Umm... Are they giant mites? Or something? And... Are they mugging the guy in the spacesuit? Or molesting him? Like... tickling his hole and nibbling his nipple while the other one holds him back? OR is the one on the left, using it as an opportunity to touch the other mite? Either way, sign me up. Sand mites do it better.

What the fuck are you doing? Let me guess, you were high and thought this would be a good idea. I know that tune, sister. Been there, done that, and burned those photos. You should've done the same.

Holy crap, Shakira... I say FIRE whoever does your hair. It's a wreck.

And what the fuck are YOU doing?? You REALLY don't like your neighbor, huh? You should've been wearing a gold lame slingshot like your friend upstairs. It would've saved you time. And who are those guys helping you? And is the one on the phone looking at your vagina giving a play-by-play? AND WHY ARE THEY WEARING TEAL??

*** A Collection Of WTFs For Wednesday...
*** A Collection Of WTFs For Wednesday... #2
*** A Collection Of WTFs For Thursday...
*** A Collection Of WTFs For Thursday... #2

***********************************

High Over Shit Creek

2010-02-25T16:30:00.000-08:00

Thank you for this contribution, Molly! Dana Carvey is as funny as ever.

************************************

A Tough Crowd

2010-02-25T15:54:00.000-08:00

And I mean that in more ways than one.

SeaWorld will keep whale despite trainer's death

Look, I'm not trying to be mean. Really, I'm not. But, it's a KILLER WHALE.

In a FISH TANK.

It's a WHALE doing

TRICKS in a FUCKING FISH TANK.

And I'm pretty sure they should be in something bigger.

Yeah, that's it... PETA are the crazy ones.

*********************************

Dude, We're Trying To Breathe Here...

2010-02-25T07:44:00.000-08:00

Hey GORDON! Quit with your nasty gas, bish... It's our air too.

Are you tired of corporations trying to greenwash their environmental blunders? So are we. This week, Royal Bank of Canada (RBC) gets the greenwash-of-the-week award for spending $105 million (USD) to become a lead sponsor of the 2010 Winter Olympics, while simultaneously bankrolling billions of dollars in investments in the dirtiest oil project on Earth - the Alberta tar sands. RBC's efforts to advertise themselves as Canada's most caring corporate citizen through their Olympic sponsorship is incompatible with financing Canada's most polluting industry.

The tar sands oil extraction project is systematically turning vast stretches of the breathtaking Canadian boreal forest into a wasteland the size of Florida, eradicating wildlife habitat and jeopardizing the health of First Nations communities across Alberta. Let's do something about it.

If you're so inclined, you can add YOUR name to a petition to Royal Bank of Canada CEO Gordon Nixon. And you may do so here.

***********************************

Bible Humpers

2010-02-25T07:06:00.000-08:00

Beauty queen cites Bible for gay death ("Beauty" - HA. I love irony.)

(Lauren Ashley = Dumbass)

"In Leviticus it says, 'if man lies with mankind as he would lie with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination — they shall surely be put to death and their blood shall be upon them'," she was quoted as saying.

"If (God) says that having sex with someone of the same gender is going to bring death upon you, that's a pretty stern warning … and he knows more than we do about life."

OH, that's right! I forgot "God" faxed that shit down here.

What a jackass... Lauren, not "God".

Dear God, I know you're real busy writing the sequel to the bible and everything, but if I go ahead and sacrifice my own gay ass, will you please make people unstupid? 'Cause, I will! I'll do it in a heartbeat. Some pun intended. I'll go out in a blaze of something fantastic - like, death by disco-ball! I'll do it RIGHT AFTER you show me they're not stupid anymore. k? Great. Thanks.

Sincerely Yours,

Kevin S. Charnas (The "S" is for sassy, in case you forgot.)

*UPDATE: Beverly Hills disowns Miss California contestant

Beverly Hills Mayor Nancy Krasne said Wednesday she is outraged over a Miss California USA contestant who is claiming to represent the city in the upcoming pageant and who spoke out against same-sex marriage in recent media interviews.

Krasne said in a statement that 23-year-old Lauren Ashley does not live in Beverly Hills or represent the city in any capacity.

OOhhh... So, she's not just a dumbass, she's also a liar.

********************************

First Impressions

2010-02-25T06:28:00.001-08:00

Thank you for this contribution, Holly! It's classic.

************************************

Her Lamp In The Night

2010-02-24T06:55:00.000-08:00

There's been such a divisiveness in our country. Such a darkness that has settled on people's spirits. It's almost like it's sucking the life out of the world.

Almost like media, giant corporations and many politicians are conspiring against the average American citizen. Lining their players up in order to control the masses.

Like they're dementors.

Circling and waiting for us to get tired...

And then, when the timing is right, they'll swoop in and devour the goodness, our souls right out of us...

I know this all sounds very dramatic, and maybe it's just because it's the end of February. But, I can't help feeling a wickedness in our social and political climate right now.

And I believe that besides ignorance, which breeds fear, that the main cause of this shadow, once it's whittled down, boils down to people looking outside themselves for something to make them happy. That on an individual level, it's about wanting more. And that more will never be enough.

Whether it's a CEO sick with greed, hoping to fill a void that he or she has always had... And by being financially successful, that this will make up for that emptiness that resides somewhere in them.

Or whether it's a politician, hoping that the recognition of holding an office will be some kind of an award of esteem. That power will fulfill them.

Or whether it's a parent. Working too late and too much in order keep up with the neighbors or others' expectations? Thinking that their children need more things, need to be involved in more activities, need this and that when really, the kid just wants their parent's attention and presence. (I'm talking of extremes here, not someone working their tail off to put food on the table.)

They're diluted to think that "more" will eventually be enough. That it's just right around that next corner. It will always be right around the next corner... All the while walking on Greed Street, USA.

Whether it's money or power, it boils down to greed. And greed is a symptom of lacking in something else, some stealth vacuity inside themselves.

And I firmly believe that if you're not happy without it, you're not going to be happy with it. Whatever that IT may be.

I grew up thinking something different. And hoping for something different. So, I believe in something different.

I believe that we're all interconnected. All fingers on the same hand, limbs on the same body. All waves in the same ocean. All sentient beings a part of one being. That there really is no "us" and "them". That it's all US. And I don't believe this is exclusive to humans, but to ALL life.

That we are a part of everything else. And everything else is a part of us. And it has always been this way. And it always will be... in some form or another.

Therefore, if we're in this giant mess together, and I ain't NEVER gonna get my stank ass away from you crazy bishes and your stank asses, then I also believe that the better off someone else is, in turn, this will help me as well. That to insure someone else's happiness, is to insure my own. And thus, we'll all be better off.

And it certainly doesn't hurt and never fails that every time I'm able to help someone, whether it's as simple as listening (which isn't always so "simple"), or something requiring more effort, I never feel so alive as when I do.

So, in regards to the healthcare reform debate, I've written quite a bit.

I've written about Jesus Christ and His Tennis Shoes. And I've been quite vocal about the Criminal Sabotage taking place in the States right now.

And when I think of our interconnectedness. And the healthcare debate and the corporate greed that's poisoning the American spirit. When I think of the freedom and welfare of all people, I can't help thinking of a brave woman, standing out in all kinds of weather.

She stands decidedly, unwavering in her mission.

It doesn't matter what kind of storm is brewing, she stands.

Looking out to sea for those that are trying to find their way...

I was always so proud of what she represents.

And as an adult, she affects me no less deeply than she did when I was a child.

Her message resonates with me to my very core...

And I hope I never, NEVER forget that.

The New Colossus

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame,

"Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she
With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore,
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

~ Emma Lazarus, New York City, 1883

Those words dampen my eyes with humility and pride every time.

Today is a virtual march on Washington. People are signing more petitions, MoveOn is sending faxes and people are calling their members of Congress. If you're so inclined, please feel free to take part. And here are six easy ways to do so:

Virtual March for Real Health Care Reform (When you sign up, they'll prepare faxes in your name and send them to your senators. They'll also send you a reminder to call Congress.)

We'd rather have a good bill than a bipartisan one.

Tell your Senator to sign the Bennet letter for the public option

Americans want a good bill -- not just bipartisanship

Contact your Senators

Contact your Representative

* Obama backs repeal of decades-old antitrust exemption for health insurance companies

****************************************

Toxic

2010-02-23T09:02:00.000-08:00

Just in case you bishes missed this article: The Top 10 Toxic Products You Don’t Need

I didn't want your stank asses being stanker.

I know mine be stank enough. Sshhiiitttt...

************************************

HEY!!!

2010-02-22T16:21:00.000-08:00

(Thank you for this contribution, Ryan! You have no idea how much I needed to see that little guy today...)

***************************

Night Picnic

2010-02-22T14:46:00.000-08:00

There was the sky, starless and vast -
Home of every one of our dark thoughts -
Its door open to more darkness.
And you, like a late door-to-door salesman,
With only your own beating heart
In the palm of your outstretched hand.

"All things are imbued with God's being" -
She said in hushed tones
As if his ghost might overhear us -
"The dark woods around us,
Our faces which we cannot see,
Even this bread we are eating."

You were mulling over the particulars
Of your cosmic insignificance
Between slow sips of red wine.
In the ensuing quiet, you could hear
Her small, sharp teeth chewing the crust -
And then finally, she moistened her lips.

~ Charles Simic

********************************

Clean Balls For Monday

2010-02-22T08:06:00.000-08:00

Because really, WHO doesn't want clean balls?

Nobody. Nobody, I say...

THIS will make them sparkle.

(Thanks for this contribution, Jimmy K!)

********************************

Shit Geysers

2010-02-19T16:50:00.001-08:00

That's right, kick people when they're down. Good form, sport. What class you have...

Cleveland tops this very subjective (what isn't?) list of;

America's Most Miserable Cities 2010 written by a SPORTS writer who's in the Top Ten List of Greasiest Heads in America.

Bish...? NEWS FLASH! It's 2010. Dudes don't really put gel in their hair anymore. Time for an oil change, slick.

That's right, Kurt Badenhausen. So, Mister Bad-in-hosen, should we be judging you on your greasy locks and receding hairline? Huh? Or should we be judging you for looking PINK in the first pic and like stale lunchmeat in the second one? I bet there's more to you than that though, isn't there? We really shouldn't pass judgment on the origins of your family name and the curse it's left on the men in your family line of not really knowing how to handle your penis though, right? You stupid, unimaginative, uncreative, unoriginal piece of shit.

I shouldn't really be angry, because you're really only demonstrating your own ignorance. Actually, you're broadcasting it. So, I'm a little embarrassed for you. But, not too much.

I shouldn't be focusing all of this onto just you, though. It's just that you're at the end of a long list of a whole line of self-inflated, pompous, egotistical douche bags. So, I suggest you cover your oil slicked head 'cause here comes the shit, bish...

When Will and I talked about moving to Cleveland a couple of years ago, we started hearing all kinds of crap from people who knew NOTHING of the city, its history, its art and culture, or its people.

When we were contemplating leaving California because of the extraordinary high cost of living, we were considering a whole gamut of places to relocate to.

We thought of Santa Fe or Taos. We thought of Portland, Oregon. We talked about Asheville, North Carolina. We thought of the Hudson River Valley of New York. We talked about Spain, Buenos Aires and Paris. We really could've moved anywhere. We visited quite a few of the places to see how they felt and we were still not sure. Then one day, I said, "Will? Are we silly for not considering Cleveland?" Being that I grew up in nearby Warren, Ohio, we still had family here and old friends that I had grown up with. And we had visited many times and always enjoyed ourselves when we did.

I thought Will, mainly being a California boy, would not really be too keen on moving to Ohio.

But he rather surprised me when he replied, "Well, why wouldn't you want to?"

And I didn't have a good reason. Oh sure, my first thought was FEBRUARY. But, we didn't really think that should be in the "logical reason" category. Then Will said, "We could give it a try and if we don't care for it, we don't HAVE to stay. We could go someplace else."

And a little light bulb went off in my dim head and I said, "Oh... Yeah. That's true."

And so we decided on Cleveland. And ever since then, there's been such a barrage of people's mis-informed opinions and apparently they're more necessary than our feelings. Such a vanity of candor... which is rather over-rated.

So anyway... When I lived out in Santa Barbara for the past decade, I had to defend Cleveland much of the time. And Ohioans for that matter. And eventually, I had to defend Californians as well. People in California thought that everyone in Ohio ate potatoes and drank whole milk daily (I literally was asked this question from a friend in Los Angeles). And people in Ohio thought that everyone in California lived off astrology and tofu (I heard from a friend here in Ohio that no one in California is even named anything "ordinary").

(Terminal Tower and Tower City Center)

But, invariably, people would say, "CLEVELAND! YOU MEAN "THE MISTAKE ON THE LAKE"?! I bet YOU'RE glad you left!"

And I'd say, "Well, first of all, the whole "mistake on the lake" thing was funny the first 200 times I heard it. And second of all, have you ever been to Cleveland?"

And they hadn't. And if they had, they had a lay-over at the airport. And then, they'd go, "The Browns suck! But, they got the Rock-n-Roll Hall of Fame! That's cool! And Drew Carey and all. 'Cleveland Rocks! CLEVELAND ROCKS!"

And I'd reply, "Yes. Yes, that's true. There's a bit more to it than that though. But, okay."

Then, if they pushed me more and said something about the Cuyahoga River catching on fire, I'd have to let them have it. And I'd say, "So... Did you know that virtually ANY industrialized city during that time was mass polluting? And it's rather surprising that more cities' waterways didn't catch fire. Did you or your parents buy cars during the 40's, 50's, 60's, or 70's? Or did you guys just walk everywhere? Did you or your parents buy anything that was constructed of steel during that time? Because if so, then you or your parents were accomplices to the immense pollution which led to the river catching on fire. The consumer is as much to blame as the producer. A symbiotic relationship.

"And, at least it spurred on the EPA and the environmental movement. Unfortunately, sometimes things have to get worse before they get better...

(The Garfield Monument)

"Or I guess you don't know too much about art, classical music or theater, huh? Because Cleveland already had a world class art museum to begin with due to all of the old money in Cleveland (including the Rockefellers) that established it. But then in the 50's when the Hanna Estate left the equivalent of today's one BILLION dollars to the museum, that sent it up into the sky. The collection is astounding and it's free. FREE. Every day. AND it's accessible. You don't have to fight off hundreds of people to see a work of art.

"And The Cleveland Orchestra is in the top five in the world. THE TOP FIVE IN THE WORLD.

"Or... How about The Playhouse Square Center, in downtown Cleveland? It's the second-largest theater complex in the United States (second only to New York City's Lincoln Center).

"Or, how Cuyahoga County Public Library received the highest score among the nation's biggest libraries. That's just chicken shit, right? (And it's both buildings, bishes.)

(This is in the entrance hall of the library.)

"Or do you know about The West Side Market?

"The 1912 structure - a massive yellow-brick building with an interior concourse providing room for 100 stalls of ethic food, fresh meats, fish, seafood and cheeses, as well as fresh baked goods and staples of any American kitchen, an outdoor arcade with 85 stands of fresh fruits and vegetables, and a large clock tower, it's where grocery shopping actually becomes an "event", which is all just a miserable hunk of steaming shit, right?

"Or how The Cuyahoga Valley National Park is the largest urban forest in the lower 48 States.

"And that doesn't even include The Cleveland's Metorparks, which is a system of nature preserves in Greater Cleveland. The preserves, which encircle the city generally follow the rivers that flow through the region to Lake Erie. Referred to affectionately as the "Emerald Necklace", the network of 16 reservations across 22,000 acres includes hundreds of miles of walking, bicycle, and horse trails, parks, picnic areas, five nature education centers, seven golf courses, and abundant fishing holes. In addition, the park district manages the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo and Rainforest."

And then, whoever my victim was would just stand there speechless and blinking thinking I had been possessed by Julie McCoy, the Cruise Director from the fucking Love Boat.

(The Arcade, built in 1890)

This of course doesn't even touch on Little Italy, or the other ethnic neighborhoods and abundant festivals that happen in the area from late Spring well into Autumn. Or that we're a six hour drive from Chicago (apparently another "miserable" city). A six hour drive from D.C. A little over seven hours to NYC, and just under five to Toronto. What a horrible location we're in...

Little dinky Cleveland. Little dinky, "miserable" Cleveland...

And they're still talking about the river catching on fire. How refined.

Kurt went on to talk about Cleveland's sports teams. What I ADORE, love and admire about Cleveland fans is their immense tenacity. They LOVE their sports teams. Not because they win, obviously. But, just because. They're not fickle, fair weather fans. And that's very cool. Actually, it's quite deep. They don't really care whether they win or lose, they just enjoy the game and the camaraderie of their fellow fans.

And funny, "Kurt", in studies conducted by The Economist in 2005, Cleveland and Pittsburgh were ranked as the most livable cities in the United States and the city was ranked as the best city for business meetings in the continental U.S.

I could go on to tell you how just on our side of town in Cleveland Heights, we're at the crossroads of three major Universities, five Colleges, seven museums, botanical gardens, and two literally world reknowned hospitals - The Cleveland Clinic Foundation and University Hospitals. This is all within ten minutes of our home.

And I could go on and tell you what diversity and culture that this brings to our area. But hopefully, "Kurt", you can probably reach that conclusion on your own. Maybe not, though...

(These are some examples of the incredible, historic architecture just a few blocks from our house.)

OR, I could go on to tell you how you could own a four bedroom home with character AND a yard in our neighborhood for $150,000. You could then actually walk to restaurants, art galleries, theatre AND movies a block away. And I'm not fucking kidding, asshole.

OR, shall I go on to tell you that when we moved in, neighbors left candy, scones, sticky buns, coffee cake, cookies, cupcakes, a history book on the area, and INVITATIONS on our doorstep - WELCOMING us to the neighborhood? Yeah... And in weeks, we had a social network of friends of all ages - like-minded, educated people, that are kind and actually look out for one another. The people around here are among the best I've ever had the pleasure of meeting.

AND everything in this city is accessible, besides being affordable.

Granted, the Winter is challenging. But, those neighbors and friends of ours? They're tough. They're not some fucking pansies that start crying because of snow and cold. As a matter of fact, they're OUT IN IT AND LOVE IT.

Our first Winter here, for the first two months, I stood in the Dining Room window shivering and practically crying. I watched neighbors literally cross-county ski right down the road and I wanted to throw firecrackers at them. They were snow-shoeing, running and BIKING in the snow. And I stood there on the verge of sobbing with dynamite in one hand and a lighter in the other.

But then, I was all Miss Fucking Unsinkable Molly Brown and shit, because I was like, "THAT'S IT, BISHES!! NO MORE WHINING!" And we bought a toboggan, sleds and snow shoes. And we've been running in it as well. And when we dressed for it and embraced it, it suddenly became fun.

All that it took to change my circumstances was to change my attitude.

When the hell did everyone become such whiners??? Myself included.

I remember one time I started to bad-mouth Detroit. And then I stopped myself. And I actually said, "You know what? I've been there once. When I was a teenager. And it was for a cousin's wedding. And it was actually really beautiful where we were. Otherwise, I have no idea..."

I think people want it easy. They want to say this place is better than that place. Or whatever. But, I've found that I can't really compare too many places. They're just too different and if you can't find something beautiful right where you're at, well then, that's your problem.

When I lived in California, I missed Ohio. I missed the rolling hills. I missed thunderstorms and lighting bugs. I missed warm Summer nights and the buzz of the cicadas. I missed the silent nights of Winter. When you're walking in the Winter woods and snow clings to every branch and twig and the only thing you hear is the crunch of snow under your feet. I missed the smell of Lilacs and Lilies of the Valley. I missed skinny dipping in fresh water lakes and rivers. I missed Rhododendrons and Dogwoods. I missed the brilliance and melancholy of Autumn and the smell of fallen leaves. And I missed the incredible anticipation of Spring and the smell of the first cut grass.

And now, I miss California. I miss the mountains and the ocean. I miss the smell of the salt air and staring out at the Channel Islands. I miss giant bushes of Lavender and Rosemary. I miss dolphins and pelicans and California Oaks and Eucalyptus trees.

They're just too different to compare. And each place is beautiful in its own regard.

Well, besides Cleveland, I just don't know what tearing apart cities or where people live really serves. Are you telling me that there isn't joy in Chicago or Miami or ANY of these places??

People LIVE in these places. They're born there. They're raised there. And they raise their children and grandchildren. They build their homes there. They build their LIVES there. They go through good times and bad there. And they DIE there.

And you called their homes "miserable".

And besides, even if this bullshit article were even remotely accurate to what really matters, when people are down, why would you want to smash their faces in it?

Kurt, you're an idiot. Not talented enough to be an athlete yourself, but you have to write about it. THEN, with all the crap that's happening in this country socially and politically, THIS is what you write about?

How constructive you are. Uneducated is more like it.

Oh, and tell Forbes they can suck my balls.

I think critics like this should ask themselves, what purpose does my life have? My work... What am I doing for the betterment of this planet and the life that resides here? Or am I just going to sit here and criticize... spewing shit. You're like a SHIT geyser.

By the way, "Kurt", I've ALWAYS been for the underdog. So actually, you just made me love this place more. So, thank you for that, grease ball.

One more thing before we part, that "lake" that this "mistake" happens to sit on happens to be a "GREAT" Lake, but is really more of an inland Sea. And here it is:

Yeah. Real "miserable", fuckface.

* Philanthropist Toby Devan Lewis gives $625,000 to MetroHealth Medical Center to aid research and support arts program (What a "miserable" bitch.)
* 36 Hours In Cleveland by the New York Times (Because they're just so miserably stupid at the NY Times...)
* The Hopeful Laundry in the January 9th, 2010 issue of The Economist. (These people are trying... trying to rise up. And you so flippantly send your "miserable" message. How fucking dare you, Mr. Badenhausen and Forbes Magazine. How philanthropic... Shit geysers.)

********************************

Ain't That The Truff

2010-02-19T13:08:00.000-08:00

Doesn't he look like a chump too?? Dang...

(This hysterical contribution comes from an old friend of mine, Reiko. Thanks, Reiko! And if you're so inclined, Reiko even provided us a link if you'd like to purchase this badass Teddy.)

*******************************