Battle of the Bulges (Caution: Weiners Ahead… don’t say i didn’t warn you)

by Kevin Charnas on June 9, 2011

I’m sorry… I just think this whole Weinergate has gotten a little over-inflated.

Do I think it was foolish and stupid of him?

Yes.

When men think with their penises, which we probably do more times than not, we’re ALWAYS foolish and stupid.

Do I think it makes the man WORTHLESS?

No.

I can’t believe people are this freaked out over this… If he didn’t commit a crime, what the hell? Is everyone that FRICKING PURE?

WHAT. THE. F-BOMB…

What a lynch mob of puritanical BULLSHIT.

Pressure mounts on Weiner over sex scandal (How funny is that HEADline? That was their original title, which they have since changed. But, pressure, MOUNT, WEINER, OVER, SEX…? tee-hee-hee)

Howard Witz, a real estate broker in Brooklyn, part of Weiner’s district in New York City, said he would support Weiner again should he remain in politics.

“It’s a shame because he’s a very effective politician,” Witz said. “Disappointed? Maybe. But does it make me quit on him? No it doesn’t. As long as he didn’t commit a crime.”

Another New Yorker, Joe Mele, was more blunt.

“Mayor? I don’t think he should be dogcatcher,” Mele said.

Really, Joe? REALLY? He shouldn’t even be “DOGCATCHER”? Shall we just KILL HIM???

How about a little perspective…

I mean think about the crimes against humanity, the economy and the environment that the war criminal


Dick Cheney and HIS BULGE did (what the hell IS THAT anyway? A PUMPKIN?). And that asshole is still slithering on the streets.

If only our society was as vehemently intolerant of violent images…

So, yes. Anthony Weiner actually has a weiner… And as stupid as Weiner was with his weiner (I know… Old joke by now.), is it really so bad that the man is considered worthless? Are we that high and mighty that we can cast such simple and easy judgment? Apparently so…

I think given the attention that this has received, the man certainly regrets it…

AND DON’T WE HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO BE CONCERNED WITH?

Like the crimes against HUMANITY, the ECONOMY and the ENVIRONMENT?

When people start completely freaking out about other people’s private lives, I just think it’s so delusional and extremely judgmental. Pathetic… Unless it’s actually a crime, really… What does anyone care…? I just don’t get it… Yes, he showed a great lapse in judgment. But, FAR WORSE things have happened and are happening RIGHT NOW. With all the challenges that we’re faced with today, THIS is garnering our attention?

So, WHO CARES about how the U.S. Intervened To Keep Haiti Slave Wages Low On Behalf Of Hanes, Levi Strauss…

Or… WHO CARES about how The U.S. and Its Allies Will Do Anything to Prevent Democracy in the Arab World…

Or… WHO CARES about how Republicans Seek To Cut 1.3 Million Vets, or how UK’s Factory Farm Dairies May Have Created New Strain of MRSA.

And if that’s all too heavy for you, how about how Peace Activists were Arrested for Dancing at the Jefferson Memorial – literally throttled by the neck, because of a federal court ruling barring dancing at national memorial sites. Not that I MUST dance at the Lincoln Memorial, but what if I WANT TO? Umm… FASCIST MUCH?

But, no. We’re ALL PISSED OFF over a peeper on twitter.

So, all this circus and hoopla and rigmarole… Before my head explodes, let’s dissect it, shall we? Let’s see EXACTLY what he sent. And more importantly, what he SHOULD HAVE sent.

So, this is Weiner’s chest…


Really, dude? That’s all you’ve got for us? You don’t even know these women… You could’ve sent them ANYTHING… And you sent her THAT? I mean, it’s not bad… It’s just kind of… slight, almost delicate. But, whatever… But Anthony… Can I call you “Anthony”? Cool. Anthony, dude… You could’ve used ANYONE’s pics. You could’ve been all


SHAAZZAMM!! on her ass.

Or…


BAABAAMBII!!

Or just to mess with her, you could’ve been all


Get in me hairy belly!!!

Or you could’ve been all


REALLY GET IN ME BELLY!! DEEAADD SEXYY!

But, no. Instead you sent this,


Yawn.

THEN, you sent this…


Dude. Brother… THIS? Dull gray boxer briefs with barely something for a chicken to scratch at… REALLY? You might as well have sent a pic of your piss-stained Underoos from 6th Grade.

I totally would’ve been all, “Hey, baby… Want to see what the Weiner is packing? Of course you do. Silly question… Well,” [send]


SSHHAAZZAMMM!!

Or… “Do you like red…? Good. We’re in luck.”


BABAAMBII!! “Now, hand me the suntan lotion.”

You could’ve done SO MUCH to mess with them. And now, I bet you’re wishing you did… It would’ve at least made this witch hunt you’re in a little more worth it…

You could’ve been all,


“Here I am back in the day. I know, you had NO IDEA I was this old, right? Me neither. Time flies when you’re having fun.”

Or,


“Here I am when I was in 6th Grade with blond hair in my pissed-stained Underoos at the beach! FLEXIBLE, right? I know… Those days are gone. Dang.”

Or, “Here I am when I looked nothing like myself,


but I was in college touring Greece in my man panties and a wife beater.”

Or…


“Here I am when I looked nothing like myself, but I just won the French Open. That was a cool day.”

Or…


“Here I am when I used to run a jazzercise class by the pool back in my Vegas days…”

Or… “Did I ever show you “Rudolph”? No? Well…”


“How about that pickle?”

Or…


“Here I am when I was a matador back in Spain and my bulge was mongo. I’m the one on the right. Oh, wait… I’m the one on the left. Or… Umm. Yeah. Let’s talk about when I was a cop.”


“See? That’s me on the beat back in the day.”

“And did I ever tell you that I’ve competed in the Ironman like a zillion times?


‘Cause I have.”

“And did you know that I used to wrestle in college?


‘Cause I totally did. I KNOW, RIGHT??”

“I know my bulges are totally hot. But, I just wish they were as big as the bulge in Kevin Charnas’ pants.”


“‘Cause that be some impressive shit…”
(I still have no idea why my pants were doing that. Oh, wait a minute, yes I do! Because I DO HAVE a giant bulge. Hey, don’t shoot the messenger.)

Look, I know he screwed up. He was stupid. And at this point, he’s finished. But really, besides Huma Abedin, his unfortunate wife, who REALLY got hurt here? This should be between him and his wife. And I think it’s unfair to completely measure a person’s worth on foolish moments. ESPECIALLY when no one was really harmed.

And an “angry” Nancy Pelosi…? Please… Talk about protruding bulgesHouse Democrats Step Up Calls for Weiner to Quit

As though all her freakish plastic surgery doesn’t perpetuate a more harmful message to women everywhere…

And “angry”? Really, Nancy? “ANGRY”??

Well… apparently,

(don’t say i didn’t warn you…)

********************************************

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Suebob 06.10.11 at 2:02 pm

This post made me realize I have been missing out by looking men in the eyes all this time.

And that photo of Cheney is very, very disturbing unless he is smuggling dachsunds.

Kevin Charnas 06.10.11 at 2:27 pm

Sista, men have EYES??

and thank you for the smuggling dachshunds image! as trite as it’s become, it truly did make me LOL. So, thanks for that. :)

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