Rob Lowe’s Bouncing Bulge

by Kevin Charnas on July 17, 2006

Saturday morning I was walking the dogs at the beach. They were frolicking and rolling on anything dead that they could and devouring anything that originated in someplace nasty. Yes, ass…I’m referring to ass. They chow down on anything that comes out of any thing’s ass. We feed them expensive human grade food and they LOVE shit. Shit’s free, we should just feed them shit. But then, their breath would never really be just plain old dog breath, would it? It would be plain old dog breath with a chaser of shit 24/7. Sounds like something you’d order at an old Irish pub. “I’LL HAVE MESELF A PINT OF THAT PLAIN OLD DOG BREATH, MRS. O’LEARY AND GIVE ME A CHASER OF THE SHIT 24/7 WHILE YOU’RE AT IT! I’LL MAKE LIKE A SCREAMIN’ BANSHEE AND HEAD ON HOME TO ME WIFEE, WHERE SHE’LL JUST YELL AND HOLLER AT ME AND CALL ME A STUPID BASTARD! ‘TIS MESELF AND ME LIFE….AND SO IT GOES…HEAR-HEAR-TO THE LAND OF IRIE!”

Sorry…I don’t know where I was going with that.

So the dogs, I take them on their walks quite early so we avoid a lot of people and hopefully don’t encounter any terrible mishaps. I’ve learned from the past. Now I’m on high-alert when I take them to the beach. It’s far from relaxing.

When I do see people, I assess the situation and if they’re running or on bikes, I leash both of the dogs. Usually, I just leash the dogs anyway. It’s the considerate thing to do. Not everyone likes dogs, nor does everyone care to have their shins or crotches removed and I can appreciate that.

So, we were walking and I was yelling, “STOP ROLLING ON THAT YOU LITTLE FUCKER! STOP EATING THAT YOU SILLY BASTARD! YOU WANT SHIT? I’LL GIVE YOU SHIT!!” I didn’t know the people that I was yelling at. I’m pretty sure they were tourists, but I didn’t like the looks of them, so that’s why I lit into them. They certainly looked confused though. It’s good to keep people on their toes.

A couple of guys, followed by two women were running down the beach toward us. I leashed the dogs so they didn’t attempt to dismember anybody. As the men approached, one of them didn’t have a shirt on and was EXTREMELY tan, like George Hamilton 1980′s tan. His bulge looked stuffed and was bouncing all over the place. I walked the dogs up a little bit toward the bluff to give everyone plenty of room. The guys were about 30 feet away when the hottie with no shirt yells, yells “GOOD MORNING!!!” It was so loud I almost jumped. I waved and smiled. I really didn’t need to shout “Good Morning” back at him, it was kind of early to be giving morning salutations, let alone shouting them. But he was being nice. And then I realized, oohhh…that’s Rob Lowe. He was extremely handsome in person. Maybe it’s because he was so nice. But in a way, for him to yell “GOOD MORNING!” and then look back at me a couple of times, it was as though he were trying to see if he knew me, or if I knew him. I think it was the later. I don’t think he reads my blog. Maybe it was the mini-skirt and tube-top I was wearing that got his attention. That and I was doing the “Bend and Snap”. Although, he may have seen me perform around town when I was involved in Children’s Theater. He has kids so he may have seen that. Which doing Children’s Theater is a whole other story…or five. Or he may have seen the recent Indie that I was in that played at the Santa Barbara International Film Festival, but then again, I don’t think so…

So, I thought, that was kind of odd to yell “Good Morning”. He might as well have yelled, “GOOD MORNING! I’M ROB LOWE!! CAN YOU SEE MY BULGE BOUNCING? ‘CAUSE I SURE CAN SISTER!” boing, boing, boing.

And I thought, “I just saw Rob Lowe’s package doing a boing, huh…weird.”

I saw Jaclyn Smith’s pantie lines one time. I was in Los Angeles watching a friend perform in a show and the former Charlie’s Angel’s daughter was in it as well. She was sitting at the next table over from us. She was beautiful. I don’t think that she’s been able to move her face for about 10 years, but she’s still a beautiful woman. When she arose from her seat to head to the little girl’s room to either whizz, or drop a bomb, I saw her pantie lines. I kind of crinkled my nose (cause she also blew a big fart – she later denied it, but we allll knew it was her) and said to my friend, “I just saw her pantie lines. She’s Jaclyn Smith, she’s not suppose to have pantie lines.” We laughed until my friend also smelled the fart and then we weren’t laughing anymore.

Being in Santa Barbara, we see quite a few celebrities. I don’t know a lot of them as in, I don’t know who they are. I really don’t know a lot of what’s going on in pop culture. And I have to acknowledge, that sometimes I get a little too elitist about it. “Everybody should READ more! Everybody should learn how to play a musical instrument! Everybody should…” Oh hell… Everybody should do what the hell they want and I should shut the fuck up. Will or our friends often have to tell me who someone is. Will practically has to staple me to the couch to watch TV and occasionally I do give in and go to a movie now and again. So, I really don’t care when I see someone famous. I give them their privacy because that’s what I would want. I think that may be a dying art form; treating others how we would like to be treated ourselves. Unless we just have a lot of masochists running around. Then that would make sense.

Well, on Rob’s return trip down the beach, the women this time were running ahead of Rob and his buddy. I leashed the dogs again and headed over to take a perch on a rock to watch them and Rob boing by. I was avoiding eye contact to give him a little bit of privacy and honestly, I really didn’t care that much. I was curious, I admit, but not overly so. Then he yelled again, “THEY’RE BEATING US BACK!” I wasn’t even looking at him at the time, so I looked over and said, “SORRY?” And he yelled again, “THEY’RE BEATING US BACK!!!” Like I gave a shit, Rob boingie Lowe. So then I yelled, “OH YEAH, I NOTICE THAT…”

But something peculiar happened as they continued their jaunt down the beach. He left me feeling kind of stupid – in a coy sort of way. All of a sudden, I was embarrassed. In a bizarre, giddy kind of way, I kind of liked Rob Lowe now…I almost began to fucking giggle. What the hell was wrong with me?? I felt ridiculous. I never really cared before. But, he was nice and though he was overly friendly, whether he wanted noticed or not, I don’t care. He was friendly. And handsome. And his bulge was bouncing all over the place. And something absurd, gay and silly in me almost made me start twisting my hair around my finger and I suddenly felt the urge to skip all the way home.

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