The Dragon's Breath

HELLO!! HELLO IN THE HOUSE!!! IS ANYBODY STILL OUT THERE???

Or have you all left by now?

I see a lot of empty wine glasses lying about. A few over-turned tables and broken beer bottles...Some busted chairs, burnt drapes and small bundles of hair wafting around the joint like tumble weeds.

You people are quite the crew.

And I don't think that I have to tell you, that you guys are MY kind of people!

I'll take winos and beer drinkers busting up the joint ANY day compared to something a little less...intriguing.

Anyway, I wouldn't blame any of you for leaving. You're probably all like, "Who the H E double toothpick does this asshole think he is?? Stringing us along like this?"

Sorry, Mom.

And Dad.

It hasn't been intentional.

So, coming from a newly married man, Thank you SO much for your good wishes!

The wedding was spontaneous, beautiful, surreal and intimate.

We wish that we could've afforded a big party and would've LOVED to have all of our favorite people there, but to avoid what could've gotten out of control and to avoid further discussion (argument) about the matter, we decided to just do it. And we were glad that we did.

I think.

I'll have to get back to you in ten years on that one.

Anyway, I cried like a black woman at a funeral. And Vera Wang never looked better...until my mascara started to run. Then, it didn't look so good. And I should've shaved my shoulders. Why didn't anyone tell me that if I was going to go strapless that I was supposed to shave?

Thanks a lot. A little man-scaping advice would've been good.

And the roller skates weren't such a great idea either. I should've AT LEAST taken them off at the restaurant. But, no.... life ALWAYS has to be a learning experience.

Okay, so I owe you a better post than this. And I promise to, with humiliating pictures of my bod wrapped in Vera Wang, my pale, taking on the color of stale lunch-meat, crinkled face choking back tears as I worked for that Oscar while walking down the aisle.

For our honeymoon, Will and I went to a VERY exotic, VERY chic place to avoid the paparazzi.

It's called, work. As in...back to work. Summer Session at UC Santa Barbara is usually pretty busy and busts my ass for at least the first 6 weeks of Summer. I have one and a half weeks left and then I'll be back to pestering you all on a more daily basis.

Until then, I'd like to leave you with a recent story.

Many of you know that Casa Bezek-Charnas is for sale. Or...Casa Charzek-Benas. Or Casa Charbez-Eenek. Or Casa Harness-CheeseWhiz. Or Casa Charbroiled-Bean-Burrito.

Yeah, you remember that whole brain-stream of Penis-Bee's Wax...Or...Bee's Penis Wax. Or...Wax a Bee's penis.

Ew.

Sorry...I can get carried away.

So, our agent who's been super-duper-pooper-scooper...Actually, she's so damn pretty and gracious, that I gather that there's NO WAY that she poops. I'd never believe it. Not for a minute. Okay, maybe for a minute, but, I'm getting off subject...Well, not THAT far off subject...

Anyway, our agent wasn't able to show our place the last few days. So, Will and I had to scurry around sweeping up dog hair, staging brand new towels perfectly rolled and in-place in the bathrooms, hiding all the leather, whips, restraints and harnesses, adjusting pillows, tearing off a shirt that one of us is wearing and running it over furniture to dust. (All guys dust this way, yes?) And basically, our lives are about showing our place and everything else seems to be on the back burner...not even simmering.

So...the other day, Will took our little beasts out so that the potential buyers wouldn't be dismembered or murdered when they entered their possible new crib. 'Cause losing an arm or even a finger might turn them off from buying the place, right? AM I RIGHT? Right...

Unless it's a prosthetic limb.

Then, it wouldn't be SO bad...'Cause they would've already...You know...lost it...

Never fucking mind...Why the hell do I THINK these things??

Well, Will was out with the dogs and I greeted the extremely sweet couple and their agent as they knocked on the door. I let them in and welcomed them. I think that the pasties and the thong may have surprised them, but they played it off well. And of course, my enormous penis distracted them from the lack of an outfit.

Although, they did trip over it.

Twice.

I didn't really appreciate it and told them to watch their step, but nnnooooo...

They proceeded to trip over it three more times. And I was beginning to think that they were doing it on purpose.

I asked them if they'd prefer to look around, instead of tripping over my penis and I would more than happy to step outside in my little get-up (much to the dismay of the neighbors, though they're used to it) for as long as they'd like so that they could look around without feeling any pressure. I, myself, would prefer to look around without the owner there breathing down my neck.

Unless...the owner was hot. Then, I'd ask where I should leave my clothes.

They asked that I tag along so that I could answer any questions that they might have. Plus, I think that they reluctantly had an affinity for my pasties.

They were an extremely nice couple. The woman was Chinese and her family comes from Taiwan. She commented on all the Asian influence in our home and I told her that we had acquired most of it from our travels in Asia. We then lamented China's recent history with the lack of human rights and briefly contemplated the upcoming Olympics and its effect on the country and its politics.

Well, we were walking, we were walking, then we were stopping. And I was talking about the fireplace that Will custom designed and built himself.

Then, we were walking, we were walking, then we were stopping. And I was talking about the Venetian plaster that Will put on our Living Room and Dining Room walls.

Then, we were walking, we were walking, then we were stopping. And I was talking about the guest bathroom and all of the tile work that Will did.

Then, we were walking, we were walking, then we were stopping...in the Master Bedroom, where I was talking about the moldings that Will had put up to draw one's eyes up to the full height of the ceiling.

And then,

THEN...

The very sweet Chinese woman...

blew a HUGE fart.

Yeah...

HUGE.

It was the kind of fart that startles a room and stops EVERYTHING.

Unmistakable.

SHE even jumped.

The kind of instant acknowledgement where all the brain cells that are paying attention between all the occupants of the room do this,


"Oh my god!"

We all stopped for a second...or three.

The silence was acknowledgement enough and all I could think about were the moldings. My brain started yelling, "THE MOLDINGS! TALK ABOUT THE MOLDINGS, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE AND JUST HOPE THAT DAMN THING DOESN'T COME WITH A SCENT!!!"

So, I quickly said, as though I was replying to her anus, "Yeah...Well, Um...Will put these molding ups to match the bead board and moldings that he did in the master bathroom and well...Yeah...That's what's going on there..." I forced an uncomfortable smile and inquired, "Would you like some alone time in our place now?"

Then, her husband asked, "You guys seem to be in a nice secluded corner of the compound, how is the noise level back here?"

And I wanted to say, "Well, besides your wife blowing big, loud farts, it's usually pretty quiet."

I went outside to give them some time to look around and...whatever else she may have needed to do. I found Will walking the dogs and said, "That poor Chinese woman just blew a giant fart in our bedroom."

Will crinkled his nose in disgust and frowned, "SHE DID WHAT?? WHERE?? THAT'S DISGUSTING!! IN OUR BEDROOM?? Nice..."

He was announcing it for the hearing impaired. I said, "I highly doubt that she did it on purpose, Will. I'm sure that she's mortified. Now, could you please not scream how disgusting she is? I don't think that will be incentive for them to buy."

He still wasn't going for it, "Well...still."

The REALLY unfortunate part was when we walked back into our home after they left. We walked into the bedroom where the harsh blow was dealt and looked at the poor wall that was the innocent bystander behind her and... well...



Thanks a lot, bish. Is THAT how they do it back in Taiwan??