5 Things That I've Overheard (Or Were Said To Me) Recently #2

#1. "I was born when I was 6 months old."

(Well, that must have been fun for your Mom.)

#2. "You mean I have to cook my own food and then I'm forced to PISS ON MYSELF? WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF RESTAURANT IS THIS??? I'M NEVER COMING HERE AGAIN!!"

(Well, FINE! BE THAT WAY! JUST LEAVE THEN! What an ungrateful bish.)

#3. "HI THERE!! MY NAME IS EMERALD! AND I HAVE THE MEMORY OF A GOLDFISH! May I take your order??"

(And then not surprisingly, the young woman with the name of a precious stone and a brain of a small, shiny fish that eats shit, jacked my order up.)

#4. "I kind of find it disturbing when she calls her kid a little fucker. She's like, 'YOU LITTLE FUCKER! THAT KID'S A LITTLE FUCKER!!'. And I find it disturbing...especially because SHE'S MY SISTER!!"

So, I asked, "Would she be like that if Will and I were there?"

The reply, "She would if you brought over a case of Bud Light for her."

#5. "I had no idea I was so close to the dog's butt. I almost kissed his hole. I'm not kidding. I was like an INCH from it."

(If I'm not mistaken, I'm pretty sure that dogs prefer to rim themselves. I might be wrong though.)