When Panic Attacks (Part Uno)

Well, the other night, I was startled awake at around 3 a.m. with a racing heart. And I mean that fucker was pounding. I was short of breath and chilled. I laid there for a while trying to catch my breath and not panic.

But then, I started to panic, which didn't help matters.

I started to think of a few friends that I've lost over the years to early heart attacks. And even though one was from a drug overdose, the others were from natural causes and so far, I've out-lived them. So, why not me? Why wouldn't I have a heart attack? Who am I to think that I can't at a relatively young age?

So, I woke Will up. I tried not to scream, "I'M FUCKING DYING! I'M FUCKING DYING! MY HEART IS GONNA BLOW FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!! WAKE UP!! WAKE UP!! JESUS CHRIST I'M NOT READY YET!!"

I didn't do that, although I wanted to. I told him what I was experiencing and told him that I didn't know what the hell was going on.

He thought that it was probably a panic attack, "It's probably an anxiety attack...Bish."

There's only been one time I can remember when I really thought that I was going to have a full-fledged panic attack.

Now mini-panic attacks? I encounter those fairly regularly. And as much as I don't really appreciate them, they do keep me "edgy". But, full-fledged anxiety? I've only truly encountered it one other time, and it's the closest I've come to spontaneous combustion.

It was about 14 years ago and I was moving to Osaka, Japan to teach conversational English. I didn't know a soul in the city of Osaka, which at the time was home to 12 million people. And I also barely knew any Japanese.

I knew how to say, "Good Morning!" Which is, "Ohayougozaimasu!"

Which sounds eerily similar to "Ohayou-hows-your-mustache?"

And seeing how I was from Ohio, they thought it was hysterical every time I said, "Good Morning". They used to say, "Ohhh...You from the 'Good Morning' State!" Because "Ohio" is so close to "Ohayou-hows-your-mustache!"

And I knew how to say, "I'm sorry", which is "Gomennasai", which literally translates to, "I beg your pardon". What I SHOULD of said for "I'm sorry" was, "Shitsureishimashita".

Shit-sure-is-him-a-shit-a???

SHIT-SURE-IS-HIM-A-SHIT-A???

ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

That is so fucking money.

I should've been running around the city smacking people in their heads and pulling their hair and bumping them off their feet just so I could exclaim, "SHIT-SURE-IS-HIM-A-SHIT-A!!"

And maybe I could've taken that a step further, because I've been known to do that and continued in my exclamation,"YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S WHAT I SAID, SHIT-SURE-IS-HIM-A-SHIT-A!! AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?? WE REMEMBER PEARL HARBOR! YEAH! HOW'S THAT SOUND?? SO, WHO REALLY SHOULD BE YELLING, 'SHIT-SURE-IS-HIM-A-SHIT-A', HUH, MR. TOUGH GUY-KAMIKAZE??"

.....

.....Umm...What the hell just happened? Where was I?

Ok, so, I had just landed in Osaka after an extremely long, arduous flight. I was already strung out on barely any sleep before I left due to the reality that I was SO FREAKED OUT about moving so far away from home.

I was standing there in front of the bus terminal trying to figure out how to use the damn automated ticket system. And I was determined that I wasn't going to take an expensive cab ride to my hotel, so I stood there watching people get their tickets. And when I finally did purchase mine, I had NO IDEA where the hell I was going to. I had NO IDEA if I was even headed in the right direction.


I boarded the crowded bus (with no open windows) dragging my bags behind me and took my seat.

I was the only person of European descent on the bus and so everyone was staring at me. I was too tired to care. Maybe had I had more energy I would've been doing the whole thing of pointing to my eyes with my index and middle finger, then point at them like, "I'm watching you" and mouthing "Pearl Harbor" to them while shaking my head like, "Yeah...".

And then, they would've been like, "Dude. Hiroshima and Nagasaki."

And then, I would've been all, "True, true...Okay, let's be friends."

And then, they would've been like, "Cool."

Or, maybe more like, "Coor."

So, I sat there while the bus meandered into the heart of Osaka, with people staring and sneaking glances at me and whispering to one another, "Rook at that asshore. He has no idea what he is doing. He think he so smaarrt, he foorish American."

Or maybe they were saying, "Rook at that asshore. He rooks rike he's gonna fhrow up."

Which would've been more accurate.

As the bus ride continued, and the bus began to warm, the blinking lights outside and the signs that were appropriately ALL in Japanese seemed to be taunting me, teasing me, "Rook at that asshore. He rooks rike he's gonna fhrow up."

I was exhausted and the bus was still with air and the warm humid smell of people that are too close together.

As the bus continued to its mysterious destination, I began to panic. I started to realize just how far I was from home, knowing not a soul, nor the language, knowing nothing...

I felt my heart begin to race, and I became short of breath and I started to sweat. And I thought, "WHAT...THE FUCK...HAVE I DONE???" Then, I felt the puke rising in my throat.


I was just on the verge of screaming at the top of my lungs, "I'M GONNA BARF! I'M GONNA BARF! I NEED AIR!!"

And they'd probably start cheering back joyfully, "HIS NAME IS BARB! HIS NAME IS BARB! HE NEEDS HAIR!! YYAAAYYY!!!" And then they'd all start fucking clapping.

But no, just as I was about to hurl on 50+ Japanese business men and women, the gentleman next to me nudged me.

I sat there on the verge of projectile vomiting and he nudged me again.

I looked over and he was reading a Beverly Hills 90210 handbook with English subtitles. And he was trying to get me to realize that he was reading it.

I saw him looking out the corner of his eye at me and slightly tilting the book towards me like, "Hey, asshore, rook. I rike Donna Martin."

So, I turned towards him, preparing to spray him with barf and asked, "Do you speak English?" Because, I was going to ask him to tell everyone that I was going to hurl at any moment.