Caution: High Winds and Screaming Ahead

Remember those horrible tornadoes last week in Tennessee, Kentucky and Arkansas? Yeah? There were like, 5000 of them, or something like that.

Well, the morning after those wreaked havoc, my parents decided to leave Ohio and DRIVE their extremely old, rickety car directly through Kentucky and Tennessee on their way to Florida.


It was also my Birthday. And thank you to so many of you who commented or sent me 'Happy Birthday' wishes. I sincerely appreciated it.

I actually hadn't heard about the storms until my friend Jen (the one who keeps a vibrator in her glove compartment for when she's in heavy Los Angeles traffic...yeah, that one) text messaged me and said, "OH MY GOD, KEVIN! IS YOUR FAMILY OKAY???"

I had no clue what happened, so she filled me in. I was concerned, but not freaked out. In my family, we try to follow the whole "No news is good news" thing. Which usually holds true. Unless,


they were hanging upside down in a tree. And their cell phones were embedded in someone else's skull. Then, that could be a problem.

So, I didn't call. I waited. And waited. And waited.

And finally they called. And this is how the conversation went. Imagine... Remember, my Dad is 80 and my Mom is 76.

I answer my phone, seeing that it's them, I hope that they're not hanging upside down in a tree, "Hello, Hello? What are you guys doing?"

***Insert the intense roaring sound of wind.***

Mom is talking to my Dad, "It's ringing...I SAID IT'S RINGING!" And then, she hears me and rather loudly replies, "KEV? KEV? OH HONEY, YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN IT!! IT WAS RAINING SO HARD THAT YOUR FATHER COULDN'T SEE OUT THE WINDOW!!"

It's obvious they're driving. So, I ask, "Mom, what's all that noise?"

Mom yells back, "OH, YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT!! IT'S SOO WINDY, I THOUGHT THE WINDOWS WERE DOWN!! BUT, THEY'RE NOT. THEY'RE UP! BUT, THE CAR'S BLOWING ALL OVER THE PLACE!! THE WHOLE AREA'S A MESS! YOUR FATHER CAN BARELY KEEP THE CAR ON THE ROAD! IT'S AWFUL!"

I want to fall over. So, I inquire, "So, you guys left for Florida anyway? Didn't you hear about all the bad weather and tornadoes?"

Mom continues screaming into the phone over the howling wind, "WHAT?? WHAT DID YOU SAY??? I CAN BARELY HEAR YOU OVER ALL THIS WIND!"

I still want to fall over. So, I yell back, "YOU GUYS LEFT FOR FLORIDA ANYWAY?? DIDN'T YOU HEAR ABOUT ALL THE BAD WEATHER AND TORNADOES??"

Mom replies, "OH THAT...YEAH, WE SAW IT. WE WAITED A FEW HOURS, THEN WE FIGURED THAT WE'D BE BEHIND IT ALL. PLUS IT'S SUPPOSE TO SNOW IN OHIO TONIGHT AND WE WANTED TO AVOID ALL OF THAT. OH HONEY, IT'S SO WINDY. THE CAR IS REALLY GETTING BLOWN AROUND THE FREEWAY!! YOU SHOULD SEE IT. YOUR DAD IS REALLY GETTING A WORKOUT!!"

At this point, I think I DID fall over. So, I inquire some more, "Mom, are you sure that you guys should've left today? Maybe you should've waited a few days..."

Mom keeps screaming, "YOUR FATHER REALLY WANTED TO GET GOING. WE'VE BEEN DRAGGING THE HOT WATER HEATER SINCE WE LEFT. A TRUCKER PULLED UP NEXT TO US AND WAS PULLING ON HIS HORN AND MOTIONED TO ME THAT WE WERE DRAGGING SOMETHING. SO, I SAID, 'OKAY! THANKS!' YOUR FATHER CAN'T EVEN HEAR IT OVER ALL THIS WIND. OH, AND WE LOST A HUBCAP! YOUR FATHER WANTED TO GO BACK FOR IT, BUT I SAID, 'STEVE! YOU CAN BARELY SEE THE ROAD, HOW ARE YOU GOING TO FIND A HUBCAP IN ALL THIS RAIN AND WIND??' I WOULDN'T LET HIM GO BACK FOR THAT STUPID HUBCAP. WHO NEEDS A HUBCAP ANYWAY?"

I was probably lying on the floor now, shaking my head. I asked, "Well, what did you do?"

Mom, "WHAT, SWEETY??"

Me, "WHAT DID YOU DO???"

Mom, "WE DIDN'T GO BACK! I TOLD YOU, I DIDN'T LET HIM. THAT HUBCAP IS STUPID."

Me, "NO! ABOUT WHATEVER IT IS THAT YOU'RE DRAGGING..."

Mom, "WE JUST KEPT GOING! WHAT WERE WE GOING TO DO? YOUR FATHER CAN'T EVEN HEAR IT...BUT I CAN. OH, YOUR FATHER JUST SAID THAT THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A 'HOT WATER HEATER' ON A CAR. HE THINKS IT'S THE TAILPIPE. I THINK IT'S THE HOT WATER HEATER."

Me, "Are there sparks coming from it?"

Mom, "WHAT, KEV??"

Me, "I SAID, ARE THERE SPARKS COMING FROM IT??"

Mom, "WELL, I DON'T KNOW, HONEY. YOU'RE SO SILLY, HOW WOULD I KNOW? IT'S UNDERNEATH THE CAR!!"

She did have a point.

Me, "MOM! MAYBE YOU GUYS SHOULD PULL OVER AND GET IT CHECKED!!"

Mom begins talking to Dad, "Steve, he thinks we should pull over and get it checked. YOUR FATHER SAYS HE'LL GET IT CHECKED ONCE WE'RE IN FLORIDA!!"

Me, "WHERE ARE YOU GUYS NOW?"

Mom, "OH, WE'RE JUST OUTSIDE CINCINNATI."

Me, "ARE YOU SURE THAT A TORNADO DIDN'T PICK YOU GUYS UP AND YOU'RE REALLY IN NEBRASKA OR KANSAS??"

Mom begins talking to Dad again, "Kev thinks maybe we're in Nebraska and we just don't know it. HAHAHAHA!! OH KEV!! YOU'RE SO FUNNY. IT'S TOO BAD A TORNADO DIDN'T JUST PICK US UP AND DROP US OFF AT OUR PLACE IN FLORIDA."

Me, "Umm...yeah."

Mom, "OH HONEY, IT'S GETTING BAD AGAIN. WOW. YOU SHOULD SEE ALL THE CARS AND TRUCKS OFF THE ROAD! IT LOOKS LIKE A WAR ZONE!! WE'D BETTER HANG UP, HONEY. OH, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! YOUR FATHER SAYS, 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY'."

She begins talking to my Father again, "What, Steve? What? Oh jeez... OH, YOUR FATHER WANTS ME TO RECOUNT SOMETHING FROM YOUR BIRTH. I CAN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING FROM YOU KIDS BEING BORN. I CAN BARELY TELL YOU RETARDS APART. OKAY, KEV, WE'LL CALL YOU LATER. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

Well, they DID call me later. This time it was night time. Will and I were just leaving from having sushi with Will's Mom and sister. And Mom called...It was no longer windy. "Hi Kev! Look, honey, we're about 20 miles from some place called Bowling Green, Kentucky. Can you find us a hotel on your phone?? Your Father is just exhausted. He's practically falling asleep at the wheel. And me too, I'm just wiped out. I'm so tired, honey."

I, however, was wide awake.