An Open Letter to My Friends in My Bulk Folder

Dear Bulk Folder,

I hope that this finds you well. I'm sure that you're full, on the verge of throwing up. Believe me, so am I.

First of all, the last thing I need is Viagra. If the wind changes direction, I'm aroused. It's almost a curse. Nothing seems to have changed since I grew pubes.

Second of all, if I'm going to buy from ANYONE, it's going to be my good friend "Wilma Arnold";
Lynette Gay: "Price for Viagra 50mg x 30 pills $89.95"
Lucinda Grady: "US $ 69.95 Viagra 100mg x 10 pills"
Wilma Arnold: "Viagra (Sildenafil) 50mg x 60 pills $119.95"

Dear Lynette and Lucinda, I happen to think that Wilma has the best prices...even though she's really not selling "Viagra", but rather "Sildenafil", which just sounds limp. But hey, a good price is a good price.

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cbuott@ipvset.com: "No games, just free games."

Dear Cbuott at Ipvset, I thought you said, "No games"?

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dizzysal@wii.com: "You won't believe this"

Dear Dizzy Sal, I have a distinct feeling that I will. I'm going to take your word for it.

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Brain Powers: "Clifton's capacious shaft"

Dear Brian, "capacious" means roomy. Are you telling me that I can store stuff on Clifton's penis? 'Cause that'd be great. Our garage is full.

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Rita Hemphill: "spacious penis for Michele"

Dear Rita, Is it yours? Or just someone you know? Or are you looking for someone who might know someone that has a "spacious" penis? As though it's an apartment. 'Cause I believe that Brian knows Clifton. And although Clifton's is only "capacious", it might make Michele happy.

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Arsalan Kukkonen: "keshiki"

Dear Arsalan, If that's a sneeze, then god bless you. And if that's a cereal, I'm not interested. I like oatmeal. And if that's the name of some exotic Turkish butt-plug, I'm still not interested. I don't do buttplugs (I suppose that in actuality, they would do me, huh?). Sorry, I know that I'm missing out, call me "stupid", but I'm just not interested in anyone named "Arsalan" and his/or her "keshiki". It just sounds too itchy.

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Stanley Pix: "gonautic"

Dear Stanley, What the hell is "gonautic"?? Are you referring to "gonads"? Are you talking about balls, Stanley? Does "gonautic" mean that you want to go crazy on someone's balls? 'Cause if it does, I'm telling your mother. Unless her name is "Arsalan". Then, I'm not telling that itchy bitch nothin'.

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Rickey Finn: "sizeable rod for Kelvin"

Dear Rickey, Thanks so much. I'll tell "Kelvin" when I speak with him. And "sizeable"? Is that all you've got for "Kelvin"? "Sizeable"? 'Cause everyone else is pretty damn creative. But, "sizeable"? *yawn*

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Laura Feldman: "Felicia's gigantic penis"

Dear Laura, if Felicia HAS a gigantic penis? I don't want to know about it. You'd think I would, but I don't. Thanks for thinking of me though. That was terribly sweet of you.

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Rene Aguilar: "Angelica's prodigious penis"

Dear Rene, please tell "Angelica" that Michele would like to speak with her. And actually, maybe with "Kelvin" as well. And now that I think of it, you may want to tell "Felicia" too, maybe they can sword fight. Thanks.

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Backyard Makeover: Get A Backyard Makeover On Us!"

Dear Backyard Makeover, Guess what, fuckheads? That's be great if I had a backyard. I don't even have a backdoor, unless you count my hole.

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And speaking of "holes", I wish my Bulk Folder would find one. Why the hell do we HAVE a "Bulk Folder" anyway???