Lunch Lingo

The above commercial is an excellent reminder why it's good to learn other languages...or at least slang in other languages.

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So, I've HAD IT with the Subway that is 30 feet from my office door on campus. I always end up going there because I'm lazy and don't want to make my lunch, nor do I feel like walking very far when I'm hungry.

I've at least managed to not go to the pizzeria next door, because I try to watch how much fat I consume. Sometimes I watch it as it heads right for my mouth. I don't have the best liver in the world, so I'm trying to be good. And I've also managed to stay away from Doritos for the past few months, and we all know that I want to marry them.

So, I've had it with Subway...at least for the next 3 days.

Chiquita Banana who works at the Subway at the University is an asshole. I'm ALWAYS nice to her. I smile and say "Please" and "Thank you", which seems like more than what many people do who order their lunch while talking on their cell phones. Most of them even seemed bothered that they have to delay their conversation to place their order.

Well, anyway, I'm nice and try to remain that way even though she keeps just staring at me with a blank look that says she'd like to kick me in the mouth.

I can tell when they're ripping on their customers in Spanish. First of all, they think that no one in line knows Spanish. And for the most part, they're probably right. However, when someone is talking about you in ANY language, it's easy to tell. If you're awake, you can tell. Our languages might be different, but our facial expressions are not. You just KNOW. You know when they're truly being nice and you know when they're not.

She's not.

I understood her today. And it wasn't really what she said, but how she said it. She was upset because I asked her three times if the cookies that she was grabbing me were indeed Oatmeal-Raisin cookies. They were being blocked by the chocolate chip cookies, so I asked her three times because I couldn't even SEE the oatmeal-raisin cookies. So, fucking sue me, I made you say, "Yes" three times.

So, she recounts the story for her colleague in Spanish right in front of me 3 seconds after it happened as though something were lost on me in the translation from "Yes, yes, yes," to "Si, si, si".

Senorita Estupida? I fucking know what "si" means.

So now? She can suck it.

I'm going to show her. I'm not going in there until AT LEAST Friday.

I hadn't stepped foot in a Subway for many years for various reasons. However, let me recount for you, reason #1.

Quite a few years ago when I was a social worker, I went to the local Subway to retrieve my lunch. I watched as a gentleman who seriously looked like


Lurch, was making my sandwich and REALLY piling on the extras, which was awesome. I was truly excited and hungry and couldn't wait to get that Sub. And just at the pinnacle of his success with my lunch, a very llooonnnnggggg piece of drool dripped from his lower lip, bounced, BOUNCED and snapped onto my sandwich.

I stood stunned.

My eyes bugged out of my head and my mouth dropped open.

And he pretended that it hadn't happened. Either that, or it was a regular occurrence with him and he didn't even notice.

So, I said, "Excuse me...but did you just DRIP something onto my sandwich?"

And he muttered something guttural like, "NNnnooo....fire bad. FIRE BAD!! Aagghh."

And then I repeated, "I'm sorry...but I just SAW YOU DRIP SOMETHING ONTO MY SANDWICH...FROM YOUR MOUTH!"

And he began kind of swaying where he stood as though he were a tree that had been cut at the base and didn't know which way he was going to topple and he grunted some more, "NNoooo...AAagghhh...Frankie no...FIRE BAD...Not mean to kill those people...AAAGGHHHH!!!"

There was a line of people behind me standing there aghast. I wasn't sure whether they thought that I was the deranged one? Or whether that the one muttering, "AAAHHH...Fire bad...aagghhh...kill...kill..." was a dead give away.

Anyway, I couldn't help it. I'm sorry that he escaped from Azkaban or from the land of Mordor or from some castle in Bulgaria, but I was NOT BUYING THAT FUCKING SANDWICH. Although, for a moment it did occur to me that he could reach across the glass partition and snap my neck and I'd end up on the "Cold Cut Combo" for the next month.

So, I didn't buy the sandwich. And after I walked out the door, I turned around when I heard people screaming and saw that as of the next day,



there would no longer be a Subway in that location.