Forgot The Assless Chaps, Damn It...

Well, LA Bloggers Live! was lots of fun. After driving for 3 hours in traffic and almost getting rear-ended by one of the Olsen twins (which I realized it wasn't Mary Kate or Ashley, because I doubt that either one drives a Ford Festiva), I finally arrived at the Tangier Lounge around 10 minutes late.

I no doubt bowled Darling Leah Peah over with my breath when I burst through the door, it being an aroma therapeutic mixture of coffee,pastrami and car exhaust. I'm sure that my crack sweat really added something special as well.

Leah worked hard to put the whole event together and did so quite gracefully. She refused to take any money, but preferred her payment in spankings, which we were all happy to oblige. And all I have to say is that she was married the second time by a midget in a wig. You're going to have to take up your curiosity with her.

Then Julia Frey was up, terribly sweet and gets hot by singing "Hungry Like the Wolf", which Kurt (her other half) is probably playing 24/7.

Liz Rizzo then spoke of dragonflies and it was painfully beautiful. That kind of beauty of knowing...and being liberated, yet with a tinge of ache.

Then, there was this guy named "Kevin Charnas". What a dork. He had coffee/pastrami/car exhaust breath and was perspiring all over the damn place. He should've worn a sweatband across his forehead and packed his crack with paper towels. Then, all he talked about was his father training his mother with a shotgun (which no one found funny) and poop all over the floor (which two people found funny). He talked WAY too fast and his nostrils were enormous.

Leave it to the guy in the group to talk about guns, farts and turds.

Bonnie Gillespie was adorable and hysterical. And I wanted to run up and hug her...and not in a pervie way. Although, if my peep accidentally rubbed up against her, it wouldn't have been a tragedy.

Colleen Wainwright was like a fire cracker. VERY funny woman. I was thrilled to receive a souvenir from her performance, which said, "If I meet you at a speed-dating event, try to see how much venom you can spew about 'money-grubbing bitches' and 'cheap whores' before the bell rings." This was one of many dating/on-line experiences that REALLY happened to her.

And then there was Carly Milne who delivered an engaging account of her beloved cat watching her masturbate. Yes, both pussies were quite busy.

Neil over at Citizen of the Month, didn't read this time, much to my disappointment, but wrote, "I should tell your readers that your public reading was terrific, the french kisses were amazing, and you seemed like a pretty cool guy. Best of all, you picked up the check at dinner afterwards. If I were gay, I'd totally date you." Neil is a really, really nice guy. And the only reason I picked up the check is because I was hoping to sleep with everyone at that table.

I also should mention that his latest post made me burst out laughing.

So, all in all, it was truly fun. Especially afterwards when I was lucky enough to visit with these fine people. They are all hilarious and intelligent and literally bursting with wit.

I really should mention a very bright, funny and charming woman, who didn't read, but I'm hoping that next time she will grace us with that, and that was Kelly from West Coast Grrlie Blather. I got to spend some time talking with her after the readings and at dinner, which has left me looking forward to the next time.

I had previously told Leah that I might show up in assless chaps, which might've helped with the whole "crack sweat" thing. But then again, I wouldn't have been able to pack my crack with paper towels, like what I'm planning on doing next time. That wouldn't have been very attractive, my asscrack with paper towels sticking out of it looking like a damp Kleenex box.

I wasn't thinking so much of these,


as practical and functional as they are.


But something more along the lines of these,


except she (I hope it's a "she") looks much better in them than I would. Although, I bet I'd get more laughs if I wore them. And of course, these are MUCH more practical and functional then the former pair.