CAUTION: Dramatic Curves Ahead
So, I'm nearing the end of a 6 week long Bitch-Slap-Fest here at work. It's been fun, let me tell you. Unfortunately, I was never slapped in just the right spot.
There were many ways that made it crystal clear to me, just how stressed I've been;
1. When I was shaving and simultaneously thinking about how I'd like to punch one of our neighbors square in her face and pull her hair, I gave myself a wonderfully deep gash. Then, almost began crying. I, of course, cursed my neighbor and her evil ways for this. She CUT ME, bitch.
2. I've been thinking about how I'd like to punch the same neighbor square in her face and pull her hair every time our dogs don't shit when they're SUPPOSE TO GOD DAMN IT!! When our dogs don't shit when I deem it time, I'm on the verge of bursting into tears. It is of course, all of her fault. Damn her and her evil ways.
3. When the air purifier that I sleep like a drunken sailor to somehow became stuck on "TURBO", rather than "Whisper", I wanted to punch this same neighbor SQUARE IN HER STUPID FUCKING FACE AND PULL HER NASTY, DRIED OUT, OVER-PERMED PIECE OF SHIT RAT'S NEST she calls hair. I even fantasized running over her and her evil spawn with my car. I'm not proud of it, but then again, I'M NOT THE ONE who made me cut myself, made my dogs fucking constipated, and fucking broke my air purifier that cleans the moldy air that we breathe out of our condo now, am I?
No. It's clearly all her fault. I wonder what it's like to be the bride of Satan?
I know that you probably think that I'm exaggerating a little...But, I did happen to snap a picture of her at the beach recently during one of her "episodes"...
See? You didn't believe me.
I tried spraying her with Raid, that was NOTHING! She grabbed the can with her dirt-impacted talons as she ate some more butterflies and sweet Hummingbirds and sucked the goodness out of the air with her putrid breath, while farting fire clouds and growled, "GREAT!! MORE HAIRSPRAY!!"
She's EVIL, I tell you... And what's worse? She's procreating...
Stumble It!
posted by Kevin Charnas | 11:55 AM
23 Comments:
Oh god, baby devil spawn. BABY DEVIL SPAWN.
Shall I wish her to perish in a fire of her own fart flames?
Procreating! Oh deary me. There again, the chances are that the child will be an angel - often turns out that way.
Cheers
Umm, exact reason why I am hesitant about condo living.
scared of you... don't get yourself into an AquaNet war ;)
I hope she's eating the Travolta Hairspray and the original.
No wonder she's cranky! Just look at her overbite. I'll bet she never eats corn on the cob.
LOL...I'm glad I lucked out in the neighbor department, even if the average age in my condo complex is somewhere near 150.
Thanks for the good laugh...after my hellacious (is that a word?) day at work, I needed it!!!!!
Good heavens she looks exactly like my ex! Does she by any chance go by the nickname PsychoMel?
Come on, Kevin, darling. Please. Tell us how you really feel about her. Don't be shy. Speak up.
I seriously need the sign for every room in my house. Every. Single. Room. Then I can slap my teenager daughter on a regular basis without fear of incarceration.
As I am a nosey blog lurker, I need more info on the nature of crimes inflicted on your pets and person by this evil neighbor.
Bossy likes the idea of Punching People Square In The Face. Bossy's old Triangular Punches have to go.
What a bitch. I need to come over there and help you bitch slap her don't I?
How dare she mess with you.
Doesn't she know you have backup? From New Yawk?
hmmm so does she have a voodoo doll of you or are her powers just that strong???
You know... I think she's responsible for me scratching myself on my rose bushes, for Rosie waking me up in the middle of the night, and for the energy company to randomly turn off our power as a way to "save black outs". Boy thank god it's not MY fault.
After the dogs get regular again, did you ever think of the old 'dog poop in a bag set on fire at the door' thing? It sometimes works wonders. And even if you don't do it, just thinking about it sometimes is good for a laugh.
ROFL, so what... you're saying you're not inviting her over for coffee later?
I think I work with her... Not only has she cut you, made your dogs constipated and broke your air purifier? She steals my stapler.
Bitch.
You gave yourslef a gash? You're a woman now?
Oh boy!
Leave her an anonymous gift of condoms on her door step. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
I'm quite sure you are talking about my mother in law. If it's her all you can do is toss a red win grenade in her direction and hope she drinks herself stupid. The odds are good.
Good God what is that a picture of? I can't help looking at it over and over again trying to figure it out... she sounds like a sweet old lady!! ROFL.
Julie
lmao... seriously!
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