"What's For Dinner??"

I can't even believe that I have to deal with this. Do any of you have to? Because it would make me feel a whole lot better if you did. I'm talking about the night-time janitor in my building at work who continually talks about anal sex, of course. This is a normal dilemma to have at work, right?

The other night, I was the last one in the building and was about to leave work. I then heard music coming from downstairs and knew that I was too late to avoid Captain Guate-anal and all his talk of trying to slip his burrito not into his wife's enchilada so much, but rather into her tostada. And the last time he stated anything that she thought on the matter, it was that she didn't want ANYTHING going into her tostada...just her enchilada.

So, I descended the stairs bracing myself, hoping, just hoping that the talk didn't head to the backdoor.

I said, "Hola". He always stares at me for an uncomfortable moment before saying anything. I'm not sure whether he's undressing me in his mind and bending me over, or rather that it takes that long for his crazy eye to stop rolling around in his head to focus on me. He then said, "Hola!" Then, I mentioned something about being in a hurry and I have to go. See ya later, amigo.

But, then he stops me, "What's your hurry, my friend?"

My hurry would be that I'm going to barf and start crying at any moment.

So, I made the mistake of telling him the truth, "I have to go take care of horses now. I have to feed and muck."

And his eyes got real big and he said, "Horses, huh? Ohhh...their 'YOU KNOWS' are REALLY BIG...AIYYY-IYY-IYYY..."

I felt the puke rising.

So, instead of just saying, "Adios!", I made a bigger mistake. I said, "Well, I can't take off my clothes around horses because they just get jealous, if you know what I mean...And besides, when I'm working, I don't like to have to wrap my penis around my neck and shoulders multiple times...It just gets to be too cumbersome."

He didn't know what cumbersome meant, so I had to explain it to him.

And why on earth would I say such a thing to HIM???

Then he said, "Mine is only 'this' big..." and he motioned with his index finger and thumb the equivalent of the size of a couple centimeters. And then as I grimaced, he continued, "BUT, IT'S THIS WIDE!!" and motioned with his hands the width of at least a foot. Which is rather funny, no?


I grimaced some more and said, "Ew. So, you mean it's more like a dinner plate?? What the hell can you do with THAT? Wait a minute. Don't answer that. I don't want to know. Bye." And I turned around and walked away, slightly throwing up in my mouth.

He hollered with his Guatemalan laughter and his one crazy eye swiveling all over the god-damn place and said, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! ADIOS, AMIGO!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! A DINNER PLATE!!!! I WILL SEE YOU TOMORROW!!!"

And I turned around and laughed while I was walking, "HAHAHAHAHA!!! HASTA MANANA!!" And I thought, damn it...I WILL see him tomorrow...and the next day...and the next day...and the next day...