And Her Cup Driveth Over...
A neighbor of ours has a bumper sticker that says:
"All of Life comes to me with ease and joy and glory."
I'll give you a minute...
I know. I just barfed too.
I'm a fairly happy and optimistic person. I like to joke quite a bit as you probably can gather by the posts that I usually write. But, I often deal with depression and am extremely angry with the way society is headed. Mainly because I'm paying attention.
I'm not bitter. Not that bitter. But, when I see a bumper sticker that says, "All of Life comes to me with ease and joy and glory.", I'd be lying if I said this didn't cross my mind,
and then asking, "Oh yeah? YEAH??? WHAT ABOUT NOW??? HUH, BITCH? WHERE'S THE EASE AND JOY AND GLORY NOW??? Yeah...that's what I thought."
A little evil of me?
Maybe.
A little bitter of me?
Probably.
But I'd like to cut the crap and would rather see a bumper sticker that says something like,
"MUCH of Life comes to me with joy and blah-blah. And I'm really grateful for it."
Or,
"I hope that I can always CONVEY joy, peace and blah-blah. Especially in the face of adversity."
Or,
"You know what? This sucks. Sometimes it's great, sometimes it's not. Sometimes there's joy, peace and blah-blah. And sometimes, I want to fuck people up so bad it's not even funny."
Or,
"Fucking eat my blah-blah, asshole, you're too close."
The whole, "ALL of life comes to me..." just seems less of a statement/mantra and more of a demand. And the "ease" part seems a little delusional, with a slight lack of humility and gratitude.
I'm not wishing for her or anyone to not be extremely happy. Quite the contrary. I would obviously love it if everyone on the planet were so damn happy that the only things we all had to worry about were crabs and scabies.
We'd be one happy, itchy species.
But, it's all about perspective. We know that we're happy because we've been sad. And we know what sorrow is like because we have joy and peace to compare it to. But, to just state the whole "ALL" thing pisses me off for some reason. And I'm still trying to figure out why.
And the "ease" thing pisses me off too. Life is pretty amazing, but not always. And it's certainly not easy.
And if she really does fart butterflies?
Then, I'll have what she's having.
And besides all that???
The other day, she demonstrated her joy and glory when it appeared that she was about to run me and the dogs over with ease.
Stumble It!
posted by Kevin Charnas | 8:08 AM
36 Comments:
Yeah. She's a total douchebag.
I'd like to plant a bumper sticker on her car that says, "I'm a douchebag, so sayeth the ease and grace of the world."
I wonder. Does it tickle to fart butterflies?
I don't know. I pretty much go through life with that same attitude. Unless my meds run out.
Farting butterflies is not always such a pleasant experience, especially when they come out sideways
OMG! Janet you are so freaking hilarious!
I was going to suggest that she may have received that bumper sticker complimentary with her frontal lobotomy.
But I like douchebag better.
Oh fer cryin' out loud. I think I actually did throw up in my mouth a little. Gross. And ITA...without sadness and adversity, it's impossible to appreciate the good things in out lives.
Gah! You should put a bumper sticker on your car that says "I Hate My Neighbor," and watch the ease and grace with which she deals with that.
Or TP her house...she deserves it.
Just curious: did she have a Jesus fish on her car too? Because that would explain a lot.
Sorry we weren't introduced at the blogger party. But people were murmering a lot about your presence there so I really wanted to say hi. But then, there was such a big food table...
I would love the SHIT out of that bumper sticker for my car because the irony would be mind blowing.
MIND BLOWING
it's like rain on your wedding day.
Aww, WWJD? Vote for Kerry Edwards in 2004, have a kid that was an honor student, flick a booger on her windshield and drive around with less than $20 in ammo.
Sorry, I had annoying bumper stickers on my brain.
Kevvie...KEVVVVVEEEEE...when shall we move over to Moobsie's place? I told him you would provide the slappage and I would provide red wine and a swing. ;)
I friggin hate dumb bumper stickers. My personal favorite? BUSH BIN LYIN'
How much prozac does it take to acquire that attitude. he he..
Lisa
Honey, you come sit by me and we'll throw eggs at your neighbor's car. That will make us both feel better.
It reminds me of this time i was driving through town and this gentleman comes barreling through an intersection without stopping at the stop sign, forcing me to slam on my brakes. I Honked at him, to express my irritation at having had to avoid killing him, and he in turn screamed out his window F**k YOU A$$H*le!!! and flipped me the bird.
His Bumper stickers? Visualize World Peace, A Peace sign and a number of anti-war slogans.
You want me to come down there and punch her in the throat for you? She sounds exactly like the kind of neighbor that makes you want to hurl.
;)
I'm a pretty happy person, but that bumper sticker even made ME gag. My secret? The Force is with me!
Hurl.
If I were you, I'd probably be thinking up ways to make her prove it. Ways involving things like flaming piles of dog poo.
Your neighbor should meet up with mine.... they both need to get laid!~!~
Um. You're arguing with a bumper sticker. You know that right?
That's like actually eating whirled peas or calling in dead or looking for the village in Texas that's missing it's idiot or registering the people who shoot people (instead of the guns who shoot people) or ....
People put crap on their bumpers to make it look like they are smart or have something to say or... fuck I don't know Kevin. Why do people put that moronic crap on their cars!?
The Pollyanna half of my brain thinks happy new age bumper stickers are the bees knees. But the other, real life half of my brain knows as soon as I slapped one on the Honda, I would end up like the guy in Steve's story, flipping someone off and screaming obscenities..."Here's your ease and grace, bitch!"
I think the whole "farting butterflies" thing needs to be a new bumper sticker.
Party with you guys? ABSOLUTELY! Sign me up.
Oh heck, she picks shit out of her teeth just like the rest of us. Those kind of people are the ones who usually have the husband who is boinking his secretary and their heads are in the clouds. IN DENIAL
Might I just offer a little bit of a verbiage change?
"All of [My Excrement] comes [out of me] with ease and joy and glory."
New Age affirmations, acting as if you already have what you want so you will attract it. The Secret and Co.
I think it's a form of auto-hypnosis combined with wishful thinking, arrogance, and of course, Close Encounters of the Lepidoptery Kind.
My fave bumper sticker, perhaps of all time? Lick Bush in 2004.
Unfortunately, not as many people came out in favor of cunnilingus, and hence another four years of President Dipshit.
My most recent favorite sticker?
"A Village in Texas is missing it's Idiot"
But I also like this...[ducking eggs and sarcasm]
"My religion is simple. My religion is Kindness."
Ain't no one said it would be easy.
"farting butterflies" is now added to my vocabulary and I will be using that as much as possible on a day when I am pissed off about someone who is having a good one. Heh.
Bumper stickers are hilarious. I saw one recently that was something like "my dog attacked your honor role student" or something like that.
Kevin. Don't you know? That's the bumper sticker that comes with every bottle of Paxil. Silly man. Take your medication and life will be easy! Step toward the light and you, too, can have that glassy-eyed look and faint smile that all the other patients in the mental ward have.
You can do it...
Don't worry - it's just the standard bumper sticker her psychiatrist hands out when she finally gets her patients' Wellbutrin dose just right.
My sentiments exactly! I am definitely not a butterfly farter.
Much of life comes to me with ease and joy and glory, and it's a shame how I manage to screw it up anyway.
The reason that bumper sticker annoys you is that in this world with all its wonders we also have cockroaches, mosquitoes, cholera and fascists. Denying that these are part of the world is willful ignorance.
Besides, a little adversity makes life more fun.
She sounds like she's bragging. I hate it when people feel the need to brag on their car. Like "my dog is smarter than your honor student" ...so mean. Or the personalized plates that make you want to gag. We have one around here that says "FOR A FOX" and she's soooo not a fox. If I were her, I feel like a bead reject with my shirt up on Bourbon Street.
There is a fine line between optimistic and naïve.
she sounds like an old biddy fucker.
ah man kevin you never fail to get me laughing.
i want me some of those bumper stickers.
m
oh well, i like reminders like this. guess im not the most popular gal in this crowd.
Jennifer - not at all, and thanks for commenting. My point isn't that we shouldn't try to be positive and express gratitude and expect good things to come to us, but rather if you're going to put it on your car, then it's a good idea not to speed in a driveway and try and run someone over.
I would expect that person to be more considerate and conscientious than someone not expressing something on their car.
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