What's That You're Wearing?

I'm at work right now and have been actually working quite a bit recently, which is why I haven't been dwelling in my preferred reality of blogland. I began writing a post thanking all of you for your well-wishes for my Birthday and I also wanted to share with you some of the messages that I received from some family and friends that were worth noting. And I promise that I will.

However, before I do that later, I only have a quick minute and wanted to tell you something.

This morning I took the dogs to the beach for a quick run (and no, thankfully I didn't see Santa blowing anyone or any advertisements). With the weather and my schedule recently, I haven't been able to take them as regularly as I'd like. So, I took them down there for an hour and they ran gleefully and sniffed passionately and pissed vigorously and pooped sporadically and as far as I know, the only nasty thing that they rolled on was a dead crab.

Well, I consistently live on the edge of being on time. Part of it, my family attributes to being on "Greek time" - always just a little bit late. In our family, being early or on-time is considered rude, because you're not allowing the host/hostess a little bit of extra time in the event that they were running late themselves (A somewhat delusional rationalization for being lazy and disorganized, don't you think?). The University of California, Santa Barbara (my employer) doesn't really go for this philosophy. Uptight bastards. Being on time is SO over-rated.

Anyway, once the dogs and I returned home, I was rushing around, feeding them, grabbing something to eat myself, brushing my teeth - NOT even washing my face, let alone shaving or taking a shower, NOT changing my clothes from the beach and running out the door.

My allergies were acting up this morning, so I was sniffling on top of my rushing. I was negotiating traffic and going over some things that have been on my mind lately and was rather clueless as to anything else.

Once I arrived at work, set up the camera (I'm a director/producer of Off-Campus Studies here...aka - cameraman), set up the sound equipment and put a mic on the professor, I realized that he was looking at me with a peculiar grimace. Then, he started looking around himself frowning and even checked the bottom of his shoes. I didn't think a whole lot of it. I sniffled a little bit, wiped my big honkin' nose and headed back to the camera set-up.

Then I noticed some other people looking around. They all had kind of a winced look on their faces as they were peering around curiously - even checking the bottoms of their own shoes! I thought, What the hell's going on?

Well, class began and everyone concerned themselves with the lecture. I sat down in the chair behind the camera and was busy filming. As I sat there, my allergies subsided and my nasal passages began to clear. It was then that I smelled something awful. I smelled shit.

I looked around, like everyone else had, seeing nothing. I checked the bottom of my shoes - nothing. Then...THEN...I caught a glimpse of something.

I had a big smear of SHIT ON MY PANTS!

Gomez had apparently WIPED HIS ASS ON MY PANTS!!! And I didn't even realize it.

And I'm at work.

With not a change of clothes in sight.

And I literally smell like shit, because I'm wearing it.