It doesn't matter who they think you are. It matters who you think you are.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye
So, we've been rather frantic lately. We leave for Taos, New Mexico at about 3 a.m. tomorrow. My parents are flying into Albuquerque, where we will pick them up (after 12 hours of driving), then continue on our way to Taos (another 2 hours of driving).
After relaxing and enjoying the area, we're headed to Williams, Arizona and the Grand Canyon on the way back to Santa Barbara. And once we return to California, with my folks in-tow, we'll be celebrating like pagans through the New Year.
We're bringing the dogs and I'm going to attempt to try to film and post (for your enjoyment) us training Gomez how to wear doggie's hiking boots (because of the snow). The last time we tried and just put the back ones on, he was doing hand-stands, which almost made me piss my pants. Now, before you think I'm completely retarded...or more retarded, this is the same poor little fella who was run over by a train. So, there's actually a reason why we would buy leather boots for him. Did they have to be Manolo Blahnik's? Probably not.
So anyway, we've been trying to get everything done for Christmas because we won't be returning until the 21st. And preparing for my parents' stay here. And preparing for the vacation.
The house that we rented doesn't have internet access. (WHAT? WHAT? WHAT THE HELL?) I didn't ask, I assumed and we all know what happens when we ASS-U-ME. Yes, I remember from boot camp, Petty Officer Pace, I remember... I'm going to attempt posting from an internet cafe to give you a low-down on the conversations and happenings that will take place. They should be dandy. If I can't post while we're away, I'll DEFINITELY be taking notes.
But, I don't know when I'm going to find time to tell you about how I've either pinched a nerve, or a tendon, or muscle in my left hip and have been limping for 3 days. It's actually quite painful and when I was telling my best bud Dor (from the "Suck it, Nick! Suck it!" fame) about it, she inquired; "What happened? Were you having some wild sex???"
And there was a pause...and then I heard Dor's slight intake of breath (the pause revealing the truth) and I confessed...reluctantly. "Yes, I was having wild sex." She was the only one I told, until right now. Even Will didn't know, because unfortunately, I was by myself at the time of the injury, thus the only one involved.
And...I don't know when I'm going to find time to tell you about how at our dinner party on Saturday night, much of the conversation revolved around personal grooming (thank you, Britney Spears). The topic continued inbetween out-bursts of singing, Paula Abdul's "Straight Up" - "Do-do you love me? Do-do you love me, Baaabbbyyy?"
I knew that the evening was going well when empty wine bottles started to out number people and while I was in the kitchen I could hear simultaneously coming from the dining room; "I know for a fact that labias do not get fatter as you gain weight...I KNOW THIS!" and
"I've been a fool before Wouldn't like to get my love caught In the slammin' door How about some information--please"
And then hearing "Yeah, so THEN, she waxed off MUCH more hair then I intended, I later broke out in a horrible rash! And after all of that, the triangle of hair that was left was LOPSIDED!"
And:
"Straight up now tell me Do you really want to love me forever oh oh oh Or am I caught in a hit and run Straight up now tell me Is it gonna be you and me together oh oh oh Are you just having fun?"
And: "I don't want it completely bald! Call me weird, I don't want to feel like I'm with a ten year old girl, OKAY?"
The rendition continued:
"You are so hard to read You play hide and seek With your true intentions"
And: "Once you go waxed, you never go back!"
And twinkling in the background were the Christmas lights from the tree and the mantle and the villages. And candles were flickering. And quietly colliding with our conversations about pubic hair sculpting and our rendition of "Straight Up" was Bing Crosby singing Christmas songs. And I looked around at Will and our dogs and our friends drinking, laughing and singing and discussing complete potty talk and my heart felt warm. And I felt deep gratitude.
Then I joined in:
"If you're only playing games I'll just have to say--bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye"
I was recently getting my car worked on before our trip to New Mexico (tomorrow) and a woman who works there that I usually sit and talk with for an hour everytime I'm there, showed me this video of a Christmas tree catching fire. It is completely frightening how quickly the entire room is engulfed in flames and smoke (under 45 SECONDS!).
For those of you who celebrate Christmas (and with a live tree), please don't forget to water it...
Lately, Will and I have seen a few old Fred Astaire movies on the Classics channel. I know that the movies were mainly to showcase his dancing, because frankly, the writing was shit as was his acting. He was a terrific dancer and a terrible actor. As a matter of fact, he usually played characters that I wanted to punch right in the fucking face. Most of them were such smuggers (that's a cross between smug and fucker - I just made it up now, I'm on a "cross" kick. Please feel free to spread its use widely).
Something that really struck me though, were the servant roles of the black characters in the movies. I was shocked. I'm not naive, I know our history, I just haven't "seen" it in a while and I was sitting there mouth agape, thinking this was just 60 years ago. That's not very long. And although we've come a long way, baby, we still have a long way to go. But, I do believe that we are getting somewhere. "Where?" You ask? I don't know, but it is somewhere.
In any case, there's two brothers that I'm certain never received the acknowledgment that they truly deserved. I've heard that Fred Astaire greatly admired them and he should have. I've also read where during that time (1930's & 40's), other black entertainers scenes would be cut to accommodate the racism of the day, but the studios demanded that no changes would be made to any of the material of the Nicholas Brothers. These two could dance ANYONE under the carpet (or is it table? I don't know...where do you dance someone under? The stage?), then AND now. You really have to watch the entire video to appreciate their talents...and their limberness.
This lovely contribution comes to us from our correspondent, my soul sister from another mister, where the joys are never-ending...That's right, the JOGOTASTIC (that's a cross between jolly good and fantastic) Jessica!!!
Thanks Jessica! Now yet another woman that I'm in love with...
And P.S. Jessica has a great set of knockers, I don't care what anybody says...she thinks that they're knocking somewhere around her knees, but I think that they're SWINTASTIC!!! (That's a cross between swinging and fantastic)
"Would You Care For Some Sand With Your Parasail?"
This poor, sweet looking woman...I saw this video awhile ago and had to search for it to share it with you all. She looks like such a sweet thing, which makes it all the worse. You can tell that someone really stressed to her to keep her arms out at her sides, which she does. But then, either they didn't tell her that she might have to run a little bit, or she didn't quite catch that part. And then note, after she has a bite of her SANDwich (get it?...sandwich?? Okay, bad joke.), a swig of some water and she becomes airborne, a quick wipe of the face to remove the crumbs and out the arms go again.
If you're in an office and worried about sound with it, no need to...it doesn't have sound, nor does it need it.
I'm beginning to get a complex. I'm starting to wonder what the hell I'm saying or doing to make people not only ignore me, but now they just walk away while I'm talking to them.
Yesterday, I was out walking the dogs around the complex. Another incredible day in Santa Barbara. It's been getting down into the 30's at night here, but in the low 70's during the day. I'm sure that many of you don't want to hear this right now, if you're getting hit with snow storms. But at least, we're getting some gorgeous weather to accompany our extraordinary housing costs, fuel costs, crowded freeways and high property taxes.
So, a really gorgeous day and I'm walking the dogs around in a very warm, lazy way. I see a neighbor that I'm getting to know. I really like what I know of him and his wife. They seem extremely mellow and quite zen. He walks slowly and he talks slowly and soothingly with his long gray hair (think of a cross between Gandalf and Marsha Brady) reclining down his back and with his pelvis slightly leading the rest of his body as though he may drop and practice yoga at any minute...or rub his penis on the nearest passing object. Either one. He looks as though he could fart lotus blossoms and tell you the meaning of life at the same time. So, I like him, right? I mean, who wouldn't? Except for maybe Carrot Top, because you know...he's a freak.
So, I see Master (the zen neighbor) and say, "Good Morning, Master, another incredible day, isn't it?" And he responded with his pelvis tilted forward, slowly walking and his hair lying in reverence on his back and said something like, "Yes, it truly is, Grasshopper."
And I continued, "I heard that back East, they were actually warmer than we were last week (because he's originally from back East)."
And he replied, "Yes, Grasshopper, but that won't last."
And as I attempted to say, "Oh, I know...I grew up in Ohio and we have the same...(he turned his back to me) weather that... (he started walking away) much... (he's still walking away) of...the...east (he's gone) fucking coast has. That's real fucking nice. Thanks for that.
I wanted to scream; "YOU STUPID ZEN FUCKHEAD! YOUR HAIR IS STUPID!!! YOUR PELVIS IS STUPID!!! YOUR WALK IS STUPID!!! YOU STUPID HEAD!!!"
I didn't.
But, what the hell? First that one neighbor insists on talking to the dogs while I'm talking. But now, they just turn and walk away. Stop, drop and roll.
I began wondering what he was thinking about that he just turned and wandered away while I was talking. I thought, maybe it was an important insight that he'll later bestow upon the world. Maybe he was just enlightened with the remedy for world peace and global warming...because you know, these are the things that I'm usually contemplating. So, maybe he just had a revelation. Or maybe he just remembered he left something on the stove. Or maybe he just thought, "Good god man, get me out of here!"
Then, my mind began to wonder some more about the force of enlightenment upon the human psyche in our evolutionary path and the force of the universe speaking through us. And at what point does humanity as a whole reach a new level of love and compassion that leaves no one excluded. And then I saw Britney Spears's shaved vagina. And Lindsay Lohan's shaved vagina. I've been seeing their bald pies for the last 5 days in my mind's eye. I think that the images are seared onto my brain...not unlike a branding. And in a way that I'm not really sure how to take yet, I know that Britney and Lindsay just fucked with me. Then I wondered if maybe HE was thinking about Britney's shaved burger. And then I walked the dogs back home and did the dishes and thought about Britney's pussy and the exposition of it. And it kind of pissed me off.
Let There Be Light! And...No Wisecracking Of Pubic Hair Length.
More pillow talk...
The other night, I walked into the bathroom to take a shower and Will was doing something disgusting with a hanger and the sink. So, I asked; "Will, what are you doing?"
And he replied; "The sink is clogged, I'm trying to unclog it."
Me: "Well, if your pubics weren't so long, maybe it wouldn't be all clogged."
Will: "Bubba! It's because my hair is longer now."
Me: "Yeah, that's what I'm saying..."
Will: "NO! The hair on my head!"
Me: "Um...yeah, whatever, it's because your pubics are so long."
Will: "BUBBA!"
Me: "Hey, I'm just saying..."
***Then I burst into a coughing fit, unable to stop for a few moments.***
Will: "See? Jesus is getting you."
Me: "Will, I don't think that Jesus really cares if I'm making fun of your pubic hair."
Will: "Yes he does. Jesus works in mysterious ways."
That would be mysterious, wouldn't it?
*************************
I asked Will if he thought that the above interaction was funny (twisted) enough to post on the blog. Here's his response:
"Sure, I think it's funny enough. I think it's funny that Jesus got you."
And so, my beloved remains convinced that the divine intervenes in wise cracks regarding pubic hair length.
So, I freely admit that I've had many dumb ideas over the years, but the next time I think that because we don't have a yard for the dogs to frolic in, that it's okay for them to bring sticks in the house to chew on, will one of you please remind me that this is not wise?
The other day while I was at Trader Joe's, I was putting the groceries into the trunk of my car from the shopping cart when I was momentarily shocked to see the cart begin moving toward me until it PINNED me up against my car! There was a bumper of another car pushing it. I looked up horrified because I was literally pinned against my car only to see a little old woman apologizing from behind the wheel of the guilty car, yet...she kept going.
I was shocked. And pinned. And rather helpless. I stood there with my mouth agape and my eyes opened wide and my mind was screaming, "Bitch! What in the fuck are you doing??? Those are my legs you're about to cut off! And if you think that those dentures are uncomfortable in your mouth, wait until you see where I put them!!" The bumper of her car pushed against my shopping cart driving it into my legs even further until her bumper cleared the cart and she continued to drive away...waving to me. She WAVED to me.
The cart didn't sever my limbs, which was fortunate and appreciated. However, I felt like I was witness to a whole new level of gall. I looked up to see another couple in their car staring in disbelief at me, asking with their crinkled brows and widened eyes if I was okay. And I answered with shaking my head incredulously until we all burst out laughing. It was rather a nervous laugh. I'm glad that someone else saw it though, because I almost didn't believe it.
I drove home still in a bit of a stupor, yet feeling a new appreciation for my legs and their mobility. But, I can't believe that she thought that that was okay to do.
My Mother-out-law sent the below clip to me, which is hysterical and many times, awfully tempting. And I thought that during this stress-filled holiday season that many of you may want to attempt this at one time or another. Be rest assured that it certainly is always an option, just please wear your seatbelt...and maybe a helmet...and maybe a cup to protect your woo-haa.
Stumble It!
