Wondering Away...To The Land Of Bald Pies

I'm beginning to get a complex. I'm starting to wonder what the hell I'm saying or doing to make people not only ignore me, but now they just walk away while I'm talking to them.

Yesterday, I was out walking the dogs around the complex. Another incredible day in Santa Barbara. It's been getting down into the 30's at night here, but in the low 70's during the day. I'm sure that many of you don't want to hear this right now, if you're getting hit with snow storms. But at least, we're getting some gorgeous weather to accompany our extraordinary housing costs, fuel costs, crowded freeways and high property taxes.

So, a really gorgeous day and I'm walking the dogs around in a very warm, lazy way. I see a neighbor that I'm getting to know. I really like what I know of him and his wife. They seem extremely mellow and quite zen. He walks slowly and he talks slowly and soothingly with his long gray hair (think of a cross between Gandalf and Marsha Brady) reclining down his back and with his pelvis slightly leading the rest of his body as though he may drop and practice yoga at any minute...or rub his penis on the nearest passing object. Either one. He looks as though he could fart lotus blossoms and tell you the meaning of life at the same time. So, I like him, right? I mean, who wouldn't? Except for maybe Carrot Top, because you know...he's a freak.

So, I see Master (the zen neighbor) and say, "Good Morning, Master, another incredible day, isn't it?" And he responded with his pelvis tilted forward, slowly walking and his hair lying in reverence on his back and said something like, "Yes, it truly is, Grasshopper."

And I continued, "I heard that back East, they were actually warmer than we were last week (because he's originally from back East)."

And he replied, "Yes, Grasshopper, but that won't last."

And as I attempted to say, "Oh, I know...I grew up in Ohio and we have the same...(he turned his back to me) weather that... (he started walking away) much... (he's still walking away) of...the...east (he's gone) fucking coast has. That's real fucking nice. Thanks for that.

I wanted to scream; "YOU STUPID ZEN FUCKHEAD! YOUR HAIR IS STUPID!!! YOUR PELVIS IS STUPID!!! YOUR WALK IS STUPID!!! YOU STUPID HEAD!!!"

I didn't.

But, what the hell? First that one neighbor insists on talking to the dogs while I'm talking. But now, they just turn and walk away. Stop, drop and roll.

I began wondering what he was thinking about that he just turned and wandered away while I was talking. I thought, maybe it was an important insight that he'll later bestow upon the world. Maybe he was just enlightened with the remedy for world peace and global warming...because you know, these are the things that I'm usually contemplating. So, maybe he just had a revelation. Or maybe he just remembered he left something on the stove. Or maybe he just thought, "Good god man, get me out of here!"

Then, my mind began to wonder some more about the force of enlightenment upon the human psyche in our evolutionary path and the force of the universe speaking through us. And at what point does humanity as a whole reach a new level of love and compassion that leaves no one excluded. And then I saw Britney Spears's shaved vagina. And Lindsay Lohan's shaved vagina. I've been seeing their bald pies for the last 5 days in my mind's eye. I think that the images are seared onto my brain...not unlike a branding. And in a way that I'm not really sure how to take yet, I know that Britney and Lindsay just fucked with me. Then I wondered if maybe HE was thinking about Britney's shaved burger. And then I walked the dogs back home and did the dishes and thought about Britney's pussy and the exposition of it. And it kind of pissed me off.