Camel Toes and Steer Dung

The other day I was walking the dogs around our condo compound. It was a beautiful day with a clear blue sky framing the mountains and a crispness in the Fall air that left me feeling content. Unfortunately, the gardeners have scattered steer dung all over the place, so it smells like a farm. The dogs however, LOVE IT! They're in heaven.

As if that's not bad enough, there's a few people in the complex that are just relentless with the dryer sheets. I swear that they use 5 per load. As if detergent in the laundry, underarm deodorant, cologne/perfume, scented lotions and hair products aren't enough, we have to add perfumed dryer sheets into the over-sterile mix. More chemicals to put into the air, more in the water, more products into the land fill, can we just relax a little bit with all the scents? Why not scented toilet paper? Huh? Make my ass smell like a fresh mountain spring?

Anyway, between the manure and the dryer sheets, outside smells like this little asshole's asshole.


It's like, "Who farted?" "Oh, that would be Snuggles. Snuggles farted. And actually, he keeps farting."

So, I'm trying to breathe through my mouth and not my big nose so I don't have to smell it. Then I see this dude that I've been seeing lately that is always dressed in really tight pegged jeans from the 80's. He has this bizarre little shirt and some odd 80's hair going on as well. I've been hearing that the 80's are on their way back "IN". Please don't. Please. The music was great. The clothes and the hair was not. Please don't come back. I'm sorry 80's, but your fashion should be buried with Ronald Reagan and his politics. Okay? Great. Glad that we got that settled.

Well, like the combination of the smells that are swirling in the air, the guy in the 80's garb walks like you'd expect Richard Simmons to walk. Plus, he has a dooger. A camel toe. A severe camel toe.


Were you guys aware that there's a whole site devoted to the camel toe? Yeah, it's actually a report: The Camel Toe Report

And if that isn't disturbing enough, here's this:


I don't think that those are jelly donuts in his pants.

So, Don Johnson-wannabe walks by and periodically keeps looking over his shoulder. I was standing there with the dogs while they were basking in the glow of the sun and wafting steer manure. THEN, I see even more of an odd ball (some pun intended) running. But he was running as though he was weighted down on his left side. An over-sized left testicle, you ask? I doubt it. He looked rather disheveled. As he ran by, he gave me a couple of glances and kept on his sideways trot. Then I looked ahead to see Mr. Tightpants turn around to see Mr. Sideways running towards him...kind of towards him, in his direction, yet sideways. He was basically having to do a starboard tack (sorry for the sailing lingo, it's the only way I can really describe it). THEN, Mr. Camel Toe BROKE INTO A RUN! And Mr. Sideways ran after Mr. Tightpants and they disappeared around the corner.

I stood there and thought, "What the hell was that all about?". And unfortunately for all of us, I'll probably never know. Although, I don't think that I want to.