Santa Was NOT Kissing Mommy...

It was another wonderful morning as I was walking the dogs on the beach. There was the usual morning fog that was rolling all over the place, being thrown off of the Pacific. The waves were crashing upon the shore, while squadrons of pelicans were flying in formation overhead. The sandpipers scurried here and there and all around.

It’s heaven for me to be there. I feel as though I’m communing with a consciousness that is far greater than I, something that I long to understand, yet something that is gentle with me, never intentionally reminding me of my small physical reality, but embracing my essence as a limb on its enormity. It’s a feeling like I’m home. Maybe it’s god. Maybe it’s just the genetic memory of cells that make up my physical being recalling their journey out of the primordial stew that makes it feel so familiar to me. Maybe it’s both. I don’t know. All I know is how serene and holy the beach is to me.

So, the dogs and I were walking and I was communing with heaven. The dogs per usual, were attempting to eat every piece of shit and garbage possible. And if they weren’t consuming it, they were trying to roll in it. Suddenly, I looked up from my revere and there was an older guy standing off to the side by some bushes, but still clearly visible and he was naked. He was caressing his own chest and tweaking his own nipples and slowly gyrating his hips. And bobbing up and down in front of his crotch was someone who appeared to be... Santa.

I know, I know...it probably wasn’t Santa; maybe it was his bad-boy brother. The one whom would have a beer named after him if anyone knew of him. Well, if the paparazzi is reading this and looking for any shit on Santa and his family, Santa or his wild brother is hanging out on a Santa Barbara beach giving out blowjobs and making pedestrians passing by nauseous.

There was no mistletoe anywhere that I could see, unless an old gray out-of-control pubic bush was serving as a disgusting thicket of mistletoe and Santa’s brother was going crazy on this guy’s candy cane and chestnuts. And...neither of them cared that I was walking by. Actually, I’m sure that against my wishes, I became an unwilling participant in their public display...or pubic display. They probably enjoyed that they had a spectator, although, they were also probably disappointed because when I realized what was going “down”, so to speak, I grimaced my face, no longer looked and kept walking.

I wanted to start throwing rocks at them, but I kept calling the dogs as I was briskly walking by, so that they wouldn’t witness such filth – my poor babies, their poor little virgin eyes. It’s a good thing that I hadn’t eaten breakfast yet, because I would’ve tossed it. Maybe I should’ve referred them over to Oscar. And he could've given them some "coffee".

This was the first time that I’ve seen any gay display of public sex. I’ve seen 3 different straight couples going at it over the last few years on different beaches and hiking trails here. They literally didn’t even break their momentum as they continued their public fornicating as I walked by. I should’ve ran up and started whooping and hollering, clapping my hands together and exclaiming how much acne one of them had on their bared ass. Or maybe I could’ve started giving them a play-by-play account from my angle; yelling out my suggestions and motivational support; "YOU'RE DOING GREAT! NOW, JUST KEEP DOING THAT AND LEAN TO THE LEFT A LITTLE AND SMACK THAT ASS A BIT MORE! THERE YA GO! NOW, TRY SCREAMING SOMETHING LIKE, "OH GOD! OH YEAH! DO IT, DADDY! YOU'RE MY DADDY! PLAY ME LIKE IT AIN'T NO THANG!!!" AND TRY NOT MAKING THAT FACE LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO SNEEZE AT ANY MOMENT... 'CAUSE IT LOOKS KIND OF STUPID...THERE YOU GO, MUCH BETTER. OPPS, ONE OF YOU JUST FARTED, THAT WASN'T COOL. TRY HOLDING IT NEXT TIME, OKAY?" Alas, I did no such thing. I’m always caught off-guard and am usually in shock.

But tell me, how much fun would it be to run up to such idiots and while they’re boinking the hell out of one another, start cheering: “U – G – L – Y, YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALLIBI, YOU UGLY!!! HEY!!! M – A – M – A, HOW YOU THINK YOU GOT THAT WAY? YOUR MAMA, YO-YO-YOUR MAMA, WWOOOO!!!”

Or maybe I should’ve ran up to Santa while he was getting busy on that dork’s dork and started cheering: “GO SANTA! GO SANTA! GO-GO, GO SANTA!!” Yeah...maybe I should’ve done that.

No matter what I would’ve done, I still would be disgusted. Couldn’t they have just kept it indoors, or at least behind some bushes? I feel as if my holy morning communion was a bit tainted by Santa and his friend’s public display. Now granted, if I take full responsibility for how people affect me, then yes, I’ve allowed them to taint it. However, I would’ve preferred Santa to keep his gifts in the sac...as opposed to all over the sac. Yuk.