Snot Nose Brat

When did I become the kid who doesn’t know that his nose is running? It’s happened to me a few times recently and besides blowing a big fart in public, it’s pretty damn humbling. My allergies are terrible here in Santa Barbara. There are things that bloom all year long, with no winter to kill them, so the pollen count is brutal. That combined with the mold from the fog – well, it’s a double whammy. I honestly don’t think that I’ve breathed clearly since 1998.

Now, as Jessica will attest to, (she plans on retiring in my nostrils) my nostrils have continued to expand. Actually, I may be sniffing up pollen from other states, by the size of these bad boys, maybe all states this side of the Mississippi. And if that wasn’t bad enough, someone up in my head at Central Command has turned on the nose hair growth switch and it’s in super over drive. Yeah. It’s like a fucking wig factory…at least for Barbie Dolls. My nose hair is pretty dark though, so it would have to be for Latina Barbie Dolls or African Barbies or Skipper (Is that ho’s name Skipper? I know, I know, the "Skipper" I found is Portuguese).

Well, you’d think that all this hair (which I do try to trim, otherwise I’ll be chewing it) would give a warning when something is on the way out. It used to. So, what’s the problem? Like it’s not bad enough that I have hair trying to reach out of my nose and brush my teeth. And it’s not bad enough that I have hair attempting to grow from my ears (in the form of hamsters) and perform the job of curb-feelers or wall-feelers, but now I’m cursed with snot running out of my mutha flowing nose without knowing it??? It’s as if I’m slowly turning into a Chia Pet with secretion problems. Maybe this is karma, maybe this is what I get for saying things like I did in the post below about that bitch giving so many blowjobs her tongue looks like a multi-colored, multi-cultural Chia pet.

Is this what happens to older people and then by the time they reach retirement they’re tired of battling it all and then they’re just like, “Fuck it, I might as well just start pissing myself too. I have hair growing from everywhere except my eyeballs and I’ve already been farting uncontrollably for 10 years, I might as well add piss to the agenda.” And then they just start whizzing away???

I remember when my Dad would come in from either chopping wood or shoveling the driveway in the winter. He used to have a big Greek mustache and there would be a collection of frozen snotsicles imbedded and rappelling from it. And though it was disgusting, especially when he went to French kiss us, it was rather pretty amazing.

But I’m not out shoveling snow in freezing weather not aware of what’s collecting on my moustache. I’ll be just sitting there and all of a sudden; snot is running over my MOUTH. And let me tell you, (as if you didn’t know) it’s not very attractive. It wasn’t attractive in 2nd grade and it’s not attractive now. Although, it is humbling. And on the bright side, being humbled is always good, or usually good. But the overgrowth of hair in these undesired regions is pretty much covering the humble factor. I don’t really need the run-away snot on top of it. Although, I guess for the time being, it is better than pissing myself.