NO SKIN PLEASE, NO SKIN!

I have a Howdy Doody face with very large nostrils that somehow gives people a sense of security and they usually feel WAY too comfortable telling me things. I would think that they would be frightened of the dark, sinister caverns that are my nostrils and would thus be leery of approaching me. After all, they have NO idea what I’m hiding up there; a gun, a baseball bat, a cantaloupe – it really could be any of these. But they take their chances anyway.

Will and I look forward to the day when we have a house. I’m very thankful that we have a home just a few minutes from the beach (although, we have an incessant problem with mold from the fog) and feel fortunate to have a nice one. And for two of us with two dogs, we have enough room. But, both of us do quite a bit of our work at home and we would also like to adopt some children. So, we would like a little bit more room (Will is in desperate need of a larger studio – he’s an artist) and also some privacy. We do, however, have some very colorful characters living in our condo complex, which certainly give me a LOT of material and keep me well entertained. But WHY? WHY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO THEY HAVE TO SHOW ME SKIN???

The other day, I was out at the pool. A very friendly, yet slightly bizarre fellow ALWAYS stops to talk with me. He’s extremely nice, but just a little odd (I’m one to talk), the kind of odd that I’m thinking he may have body parts stored in his freezer. And if not that, then he snorts glue on a regular basis. Maybe he does both. So, he’s having some hip issues (no Carl, I’m not referring to you) and he hiked up his shorts to literally show me the exact spot where it’s bothering him. It’s the area where the leg joins the human torso, VERY close to his peep, TOO close to his peep to be showing me.

I don’t know about you guys, but I know what that looks like. If you’re having a problem and you point to the area through your clothes, I have a really good idea where that is on the human body. Because the funny thing is, I HAVE ONE TOO! I FUCKING KNOW WHERE IT IS, DAMN IT! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SHOW ME???

You’re probably thinking that he was trying to show me his peep, but I honestly don’t think so. I think that he was just clueless (unless it’s me, that’s clueless) and didn’t care one way or the other that he was showing me a portion of his loins.

Another neighbor showed me where her elderly boyfriend had his abdominal surgery. She hiked up her bathrobe (I am not kidding) and pointed to her bellybutton and then traced a line down to her wee-wee. WHY? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SHOW ME THAT?? I KNOW WHAT THAT AREA LOOKS LIKE! JESUS, MAN!!

It would be different if the person showing me the area where they were having some difficulties were a giraffe, or a praying mantis or something like that. I’m not real familiar with the surface area or body parts of those particular beings, so it would be understandable that they would move their clothes aside in order to show me the scar from their spot-removal-surgery, or their mandible reconstructive surgery after dislocating it from eating their mate after sex. This would be acceptable, but something tells me that this isn’t going to happen.

I remember seeing some guy’s butthole at the beach one time. We were vacationing on Maui with my family. Will and I were spending the afternoon at a well-known nude beach there. There were all kinds of people, from all walks of life. And it was really pretty cool. Skinny people, fat people, young, old, in shape, out of shape, tall, short, stout, all of it. There was nothing perverted about it. And everyone was there with pretense left in their cars parked back in the lot. It was unbelievably liberating.

Well, there was this little dude who was nearby and he didn’t have much cushion near his tushion, so when he went to get up, I saw his hole. Now, I kind of asked for it. (I mean, I didn’t yell, “HEY BUDDY! LET’S TAKE A PEEK-A-BOO AT YOUR CORN-HOLE!”) We were at a nude beach after all. And he didn’t show me on purpose. But the hot tub and the pool here at our complex is NOT DESIGNATED NUDE. I’M NOT ASKING TO SEE ANYONE NUDE HERE.

When people that I really don’t know very well, show me their battle-wounds, or those of their loved ones, well…it catches me off-guard, I’m not prepared for it. And it usually just embarrasses me.

Maybe I should feel fortunate that they're showing me, instead of asking me whether or not I want to see it. Because then, it would be MY fault. At least it's still their fault for being inappropriate. I'm usually too nice, so if someone asked, "Hey, would you like to see where I got my labias re-aligned?" I'd end up saying, "Why sure I would! I mean, are you kidding me? Who wouldn't want to see that? Wow...they really did a nice job!"

Please, I like people. I like most of our neighbors; we’re lucky to have some really good ones. I enjoy talking with people and even trying to help them with their problems when I’m able (mistake #246). But please, no skin, because I have some…in fact, thankfully, I’m covered in it.