Ma Kettle And The 20 Gauge

I had a rather disturbing conversation earlier today with my parents. My father casually informed me that:

* his 6 month check-up (from his by-pass and valve surgery in January) went fine on Friday and the doctors were quite pleased.
* that they went to a cousin's graduation party for his son on Saturday and had a nice time.
* and that he (Dad) was trying to show my Mother how to hold and use a 20-gauge, double barrel, SHOT GUN...to SHOOT people with...but she found it kind of heavy, of which she herself chimed in ('cause they always have me on speaker phone 24/7) and said, "Yeah, it was kind of heavy, honey..."

Let me also tell you that my mother is turning 75 years old on the 15th of this month. And my father just recently turned 79.

So, unfortunately, I repeated what I did yesterday and ate a bunch more butter cookies and another large piece of cherry pie with ice cream and am close to having an anxiety attack.

Let me start by saying that I'm not a pacifist. I really wish that I could say that I was. I long to be and maybe one day I will be. I'm not that evolved yet. I do think that it takes incredible strength to be a committed pacifist (certainly more so than the knuckle-dragging mentality of being a fighter) and a higher spiritual level than where I'm currently at.

I was trained in the military with 9 mm pistols, M-16's, M-60's (both machine guns), a 12-gauge shotgun and a powerhouse 50-caliber. I was a marksman with all of them (hard not to be with a 12-gauge and a 50-caliber). We were comfortable with our weapons, we had to be. Safety was stressed and caution respected. Knowledge of our weapon and the responsibility that went with it were DRILLED into our heads. None of it was EVER taken lightly. I'm not so sure that the average population has the same understanding.

Anyway, my parents are not hillbillies. At least they didn't used to be. Even though I was raised in Warren, Ohio - a small city in the northeast corner of the state. It's an economically depressed area that was hit hard by the Reaganomics of the 80's that left the area a dying steel valley with no re-investment into it. I was raised in an educated middle class household by parents who had travelled the world and lived in Naples, Italy and Rio De Janeiro, Brazil - each 3 year tours respectively. My parents met out here in California, both of them living here at the time. My parents raised me with a conscientious attitude that the U.S. is not the only country on the face of the earth and though I should feel lucky to have been born an American and not take for granted the freedoms that come with being one, that I shouldn't be ego-centric about it. They informed me what the "ugly American" looks like. Unfortunately, they voted for one, twice.

With all of this being said, I just don't know what the fuck has happened.
My parents live in a neighborhood that is slowly on the decline. Their garage attic has been broken into now a few times, with remnants that the people actually lingered in the space for some time. So, I asked my parents if maybe it was time to move. Maybe out to a lake nearby where they could sail (we're a big sailing family) and life could be a little more peaceful. Their responses? Said with a bit of a fervor, I might add -

"WHAT? SHOULD WE BE AFRAID??? SHOULD THEY WIN??? SHOULD WE LIVE IN FEAR??? THESE PEOPLE ARE EVERYWHERE!"

I said that I wasn't suggesting that they live in fear, but rather take precautions and asked if they were leaving outside lights on.

"THAT'S NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING!!!"

Did you guys report this to the police just so they know what's going on in the area, maybe they can start cruising the neighborhood more often?

"THAT'S NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING!!! WHEN THEY CAUGHT THAT JACKASS WHO STOLE THE MOTORCYCLE LAST YEAR, THEY JUST TURNED HIM LOOSE BACK TO THE BITCH THAT BORE HIM!!!"

I think it's time for you guys to move, that house is way too big anyway.

*Silence*

"WHAT?? AND LET THEM WIN??? LOOK...WE JUST TOLD YOU THIS BECAUSE IT WAS SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT." (What? Like the weather? You just brought up trying to train my mother in urban combat with a 20-gauge double barrel shot-gun that would blast her into the next room onto her ass because it was as simple as the humidity??? Didn't we used to go to the orchestra and museums and stage plays together? What happened to the books, PBS and documentaries? Where the fuck am I? Hell?)

I said as calmly as I could, "It is NOT unreasonable for me to be concerned with my parents' safety."

My mother, "Oh...and we love you for it honey."

Dad, "Yeah son...we were just bringing this up to make conversation."

Me, "How would you feel if this were your own parents we were talking about?"

Mom, "Don't worry sweety, we're just fine. That gun is too heavy for me to use anyhow."

Dad, "Yeah, the extra barrel just makes it too much for her to hold."

Me, "Well, if something happens to you two, I'm going to come back there and kick serious ass and Dad? You're going to be the first one to get spanked."

Them, "HAHAHAHAHA! OKAY! WE LOVE YOU, BYE!"

*Click*

damn it.