Combination One-Two-Punch-Roundhouse Kick To The Blasted Tag!

Okay, I'm giving in and trying to catch up a bit on these dreaded tags. However, my apologies, they will be condensed for your reading pleasure. In reverse order of tagging:

Compliments of Attila; Things That I'm Going To Beat Attila With.

Things In My Refrigerator

* Flax Seed
* Aloe Vera Juice
(together equals 3000 bowls of Total - I've got one clean hole)

Things In My Closet

* A Tuxedo
* A Wetsuit
* A Leotard
* Red Cowboy boots

Things In My Car

* A map of Wine Country
* A radio tuned to a Latin station
* A dog bed
* A pair of pink underwear

Things In My Man Purse (specifically requested by Attila)

* Eye shadow
* Tampons
* 2 revised copies of my play
* A daily planner that's empty
* Various other yellow legal pads FILLED with writing in no particular order.
* Maxi-pads and scrotum spray

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Compliments of Holly; Things I'm Going To Beat Holly With.

Things I'd Like To Experience Before I Die

* To learn to play the mandolin
* To be a father
* To have a small house on a Greek Island
* Saving the world by making everyone laugh 'til they barf
* Saving the world by making everyone think, for themselves
* To not be so muscular and fit and gorgeous
* To have a penis reduction

Things I Can't Do

* Give birth
* Sneeze softly
* Take a shit that smells bad

Things I Can Do

* Juggle
* Greek dance like a crazy fucker
* Waterski barefoot
* Fart rose petals

Things That Attracted Me To Will

* His kindness
* His sense of humor
* His independence
* His honesty
* He's beautiful (and I mean that in every sense of the word)
* His gigantic balls

Things That I Say Most Often

* Nice
* Actually
* That fucking asshole
* Damn it
* Why are people afraid to question things?
* Do you know who does good penis reductions?

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Compliments of Jennster and Superstar; Things I'm Going To Beat Them With.

Things I Hate

* When someone is eating an apple, or something crunchy and I'm not and I'm trying to concentrate and watch porn. It makes it VERY difficult to follow the story line.

* The flashing lights of a casino, I just about pass out.

* Crooked window blinds.

* That I have to have a car.

* That I like my car.

* When toilet paper tears.

* That ANYONE thinks that they have a monopoly on god.

* That ANYONE thinks that if I don't capitalize the creator's name, that whatever created or is the entire fucking universe, is going to be upset with me.

* When a splash of water gets my hole after I've dropped one.

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Compliments of Becky and very long overdue: The Yesteryear Tag.

30 Years Ago

* A year had already passed since the traumatic moment that I laid my frightened eyes upon my 1st grade teacher, The Evil Mrs. Guthrie. Her diabolical reputation preceded her and when my little brain comprehended that it was she that I would be subject to for the next year, I immediately broke into tears and promptly shit my pants.

Now was the year of healing. I was under the care of my beloved 2nd grade teacher Mrs. Albanese. She adored me and subsequently, I had a crush on her. However, I also had a crush on her husband.

20 Years Ago

* I was lucky enough to not have been paralyzed in a diving accident. I was sporting the latest in neck brace attire with a severely sprained neck and concussion. I was diving in the pool at the time hoping the water would cure me of an under-aged hangover, when Melanie Humenik launched an inner tube at me. Wanting to avoid the soft rubber bouncing off of my skin, I jackknifed to enter the water as quickly as possible. Because we ALL know that the cement bottom of the pool will feel much better when meeting my skull, than some mean ole soft rubber thing hitting my body. I heard the collision before I felt it.

My father later yelled at me on the phone while I was in the Emergency Room. He and my mother were out of town at the time. So, he yelled at me... Yeah, thanks Dad...I remember that one.

10 Years Ago

* I was nursing the wounds of breaking off my engagement to a wonderful woman. We were best friends and had dated off and on for 8 years. I was heart broken and simultaneously venturing out of the closet. It was a scary, uncertain world and I cried almost every night. Especially because my penis is HUGE and I was still feeling so insecure about not being able to get my hands all the way around it. I didn't know WHAT I was going to do...