Dumbville

A few hours after the incident with the neighbor on early Sunday morning (please see below), the husband came over to apologize for the feline alarm clock of their's. I was outside with the dogs and he came hobbling over. And the thought crossed my mind to let Wednesday (our Jack Russel-mix) attack him and take his cane. By this time, I had my morning coffee and was feeling less like Ghengis Khan and more like Carol Channing. So, I decided not to. We really don't need a cane anyway.

He's definitely bizarre, but actually quite nice. He was very sincere in his apology and wanted to convey how badly his socially awkward wife felt about it. And how she would probably try to apologize by running me over with her car. I wondered if he was going to ask why I didn't try to lick her boobs, but he didn't. I didn't want to have to explain that his wife's boobs were of no interest to me. Especially because it looked like she was having trouble not tripping over them.

I apologized for startling her though. And we talked in a familiar, civil manner. However, I would just like to list for you some of the things that came out of his pie-hole during our conversation. I know that they'll seem out of context if I leave out the surrounding dialogue, but trust me - I was just as confused with the dialogue, as you're going to be without it. Okay, here it goes:

1. "I can point at a guy and laugh at him (he demonstrates this), POINT right at him! LAUGHING! And he's not going to get upset. Men can do that to each other. But, if a woman did that to another woman???" (How about, if you point at me, we forget the "assertiveness" crap and I show you up-close what a round-house kick is? What do you think about that? Huh, Mister Weirdo? I fucking hate when someone points at me...I don't think the yoga's working).

2. "ROTC in Junior High School was the best thing to ever happen to me." (I was in the military and it really was a great experience, but ROTC IN JUNIOR HIGH??? It made me kind of sad for him, but also kind of made me want to go round-house on his mug. See? I don't think the yoga's working!!).

3. "My wife's never been a man." (Well...okay...'cause I was wondering. He said this to me as though it were something I may have considered.)

4. "I've never been a woman." (Again...glad that we got that all cleared up, like this was something he knew I was contemplating.)

5. "Can you imagine Al Gore comforting the nation like W. did after 9-11? He was great. Al Gore couldn't have done that." (WHAT??? Shall I stop, raise, twirl and KICK??...Now let's hear you say it with a busted lip... Yoga? What yoga?)

At this point, I said, "George W should've have been a motivational speaker." And instead of continuing to say, "for people who have approximately 7 brain cells working", I wanted to stop, raise, twirl and KICK! But, I stopped. Dropped. And rolled...and got the hell out of dumbville.