If Only I Were Allowed To Tell You...

If only I were allowed to tell you that not 3 hours ago, some members of my immediate family called and left a lively message (as opposed to a deadly one) telling me that they thought of me all day long. I know, this sounds truly nice, doesn't it? Comforting and loving and encouraging and just down-right sweet. I know...it should.

Now if only I were allowed to tell you that the reason that they thought of me all day long, is because they were farting all day long. Nice. That's reaaalllllyyyy nice. See? See why I'm so jacked? Nothing says love like farts... What the hell?

Now if only I were allowed to tell you the whole story, I would begin by telling you that I recently recommended to them that they begin incorporating flax seed into their diet. Flax seed and oat meal do a lot to combat cholesterol. So, today was the first day that they began taking it. They put double the amount that I normally use and covered their oatmeal with it. Colon-blow, pure colon-blow. I'm surprised that they didn't shit their pants, or shit someone else's pants. One bowl of that probably equals 300 bowls of Total.

Anyway, I'm not allowed to tell you that they actually called and left a message singing that they had been consumed by flatus all day long and kept thinking of me. I think that they were delirious. They wondered if I had an antidote. Where I then suggested duct tape. They said that they just about blew themselves out of the stores that they were in and "we just kept laughing because it was like we didn't have control of it, it just kept blowing out of there! And of course, everytime we flattulated, we thought of you!" Of course.

Now this is providing that I were allowed to tell you, because they specifically instructed me that under NO circumstances was I to post this on my blog. So remember, it is easier to ask for forgiveness, then to ask for permission.