California Dreamin'...

So, Will just came in the room and I asked him how he slept last night. He said, with a brand new disheveled hair style, "Okay, but I had a lot of bad dreams..." And then I said, "Well, like what?"

And he said, "I was with Oprah last night and we were going to all these places together and then we had to stop and bail a friend of her's out of jail. The friend was a bank teller and was sitting outside her teller-window on a stool without pants or underwear. So, a cop stopped her and asked her what she was doing, where she then protested because of the heat. She said that she was too hot with pants or panties on. So, he arrested her, which we just thought was total bullshit...it was really hot outside. So anyway, Oprah was nice enough to go bail her out."

And he continued, "But the really awful part was that everywhere we went, people would put turtles underneath Oprah's tires and when we'd pull out of a parking space, she'd run over a turtle, crunch and kill it. And then she'd get out of the car and I wouldn't be able to find her. So, I put on my tuxedo and began flying around looking for her and there she'd be...she would have fallen down in the street and started crying, hugging the poor dead turtles. At first I thought that they were decapitated heads, but it turned out they were turtles."

I had a dream about Oprah recently as well. I dreamt that my mother and I were at her home for a party. While we were mingling, a housekeeper told me that she had a special drink for me and that I should follow her into the kitchen. So, I did...I like special drinks and am not going to turn them down, especially at Oprah's crib. So, when we got to the kitchen, she made a real powdery drink - too powdery. And then, dumped it in my lap...on purpose. So, I was pissed, right? So, I took some of the residue powder and wiped it on her forehead.

I excused myself from the kitchen and walked back to where the party was taking place. I was nervous, because I thought, once Oprah finds out I just wiped some crap on one of her housekeepers foreheads, she's going to beat the shit out of me. Well, when I returned to the party, my mother was drunk and was berating Oprah for not having enough fiction in her personal library. Mom's not afraid of anyone.

I also had a dream where I was running through a meadow with some actress from a television show that I don't watch. We don't watch much TV, but apparently, it didn't stop me from running through this meadow with her. So, we're running and the sun is shining and we're holding hands and staring at each other like we know one another and like I'm straight or maybe she's my new bestfriend or something completely retarded - I don't fucking know. All I know is that I was in jeans and a tee shirt and hiking shoes and she was in pumps and a mini-skirt. Well, as we were running, her heels began sinking down in the mud and she found it difficult to run. So, I picked her up and put her over my shoulder and kept running.

This sounds fine, no? No. The action of picking her up and tossing her up on my shoulder triggered a reaction that wreaked havoc upon the tranquil scene of the meadow. All of a sudden, BOOM! I was in a mini-skirt and pumps (which is just crap because I don't wear mini-skirts and pumps and I'm not a crossdresser), with this woman up on my shoulder and I was still trying to run. Now, my heels kept sinking in the mud making it extremely difficult to keep up the pace, which was completely ruining the moment AND to top it all off the actress's mini-skirt kept riding up in back showing off her ass. So, I kept trying to pull it down for her...'cause I'm nice like that.